What do you want from me?

It’s kind of a funny question, what are you looking for in another person? Now that I’m actively trying to date it is something I have thought a lot about. I try to stay positive and look for the qualities I want verses the ones I don’t want. But it is so much easier for me to come up with things I don’t want from the lessons I learned when I was married. Things I know that are important and things I’m just not willing to settle for. It’s an interesting position to be in really. The last time I dated was in high school, and you seemed to stumble upon your next person, there wasn’t much thought behind it. Now that I have lived a little and have seen so much more, I can make a knowledgeable decision in the guy I choose to spend my time with. Instead of stumbling into love, I can have more of an active part in this whole process and pick a better person to give my love to.

So what do I want?

Some sweet, caring, adorable guy to spend some of my awesome life with. A guy that is genuinely interested in spending time with me because I’m fun and funny and interesting to talk to. A guy that has some of the same interests as me and makes me laugh. A guy that I can share things with and will show me new and interesting things that he likes to do. Someone who has his own life that I’m just adding to. Someone who is honest and faithful and treats me like I matter. I want to find that guy that somehow we were made for each other because we compliment each other so well. Doesn’t seem to me that I’m asking for something impossible.
And in the end it boils down to…all I want is someone who is nothing like the ex.

But how to do you say all that without bringing up the a-hole and pretending like all your baggage is gone. How do you say that and still sound like an emotionally healthy person who wants someone as emotionally healthy as you are? I’m not interested in showing someone else that there are good people left in the world. I’m not interested in fixing what someone else broke or making up for something the person before me did. I’m not going to be the girl that can make it all better. I cannot take on that responsibility and I refuse to. I have done too much hard work on myself to now have to pick up someone else’s pieces. I know that no one else is perfect (and I’m not either) and I also know that the past leaves scars that will always be there. But there is a big difference in learning from your past hurts and moving on then living with them and dwelling in them. Call me picky but there are just things I’m not interested in wasting my time with. I’m well aware that you can’t change someone else and I don’t want someone I feel like I would have to. That means they aren’t your person and I want my person. And for the first time I feel like I’m really ready to see if I can find him.

So as I step into the dating world and try on different guys to see which one will fit me and my life, I’m staying a step behind and evaluating the people and situations as objectively as I can. Maybe the perfect guy for me won’t require that and it will be all over as soon as we meet but until then I’m going to keep going. All I know is my life is too amazing to settle from crap ever again.

Single, eh?

Just because you're single and I'm single, that does not mean we should date. I wish my well meaning friends figured this out.
I had this conversation with a friend of mine that ran a race with me this weekend. Being single for the first time since I was in high school, there is a lot I'm figuring out along the way and this is one. People tend to view single people as less than, that they are missing out, some of them feel it is their duty to fix up their single friends with other single friends. Just because they are single, no other criteria needed.

For me after spending 10 years of my life in the relationship that I was in, there is no way I will ever be with someone just so I'm not alone. That thought never crossed my mind while I was married but I wonder if that had something to do with why I stuck in there so long. But future me, I want to be with someone I have something in common with, who is awesome and I like spending time with. Who is the best person I know, who has my back and I can be myself with. I have my certain likes and dislikes and those aren't taken into account. And if they are, they are very baseline (like oh you are a guy and like to run but we have nothing else in common).

I just feel like if people are going to try and do their match making on me that they actually consider who I am and what kind of guy would fit into my life. Here's an idea, maybe ask me what I want? I appreciate the sentiment but seriously. And it isn't like I asked either so I don't know why all of a sudden it has been a thing. I had this conversation not too long ago with my mom when she had the perfect guy for me. I asked her why he was perfect for me? She said well he's single and I stopped her. I said that is great and definitely the baseline for what I want (I got rid of one cheater, who needs another one?) but if that is all we have in common then I'm not going for that. Sorry if that makes me picky and makes me apt to be single forever, but I suppose that is the risk I'm willing to take.

I think for me I'm not willing to waste my time in a bad unfulfilling relationship ever again. It is a tricky thing because you have to be open but still have standards. You have to know what you want but be flexible. You have to get to know someone but still be able to see any red flags and proceed with caution. Or know when to call a red flag a fire and run the other way (which is sometimes easier but sometimes it can be hard). I suppose a lot of it comes down to going with your gut and hoping it doesn't guide you wrong. I hope I'm smart enough to truly listen to it and not let myself get distracted enough not to see it. I'll be cautious but hopeful. I hope I can do the relationship thing again but I suppose only time will tell. And I guess maybe all this comes down to my fear of not being able to trust myself still. That was a big one after the divorce, how could I not see that coming, how could I have picked someone who could do that, how could I have stuck it out for so long? How could I trust myself to pick someone better? I'm still scared that I can't trust myself but I hope that I have learned enough to choose different. But I have to try to see if I did...

More randomness, inspired by another random blog

I just wrote on my other blog on Sparkpeople a blog with a title "Randomness, because I'm feeling random".
Which got me thinking about something entirely different.
I do feel random lately.
Like my mind is always going a million miles a minute, trying to make sure I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing and being all the places I need to be. I feel like I'm pulled into all kinds of directions and that sometimes I don't know which end it up. All my roles in life have me in so many different directions...but I love it. I may not be a wife or even a girlfriend but I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a Godmother, a student, and a friend (just to name a few). I'm doing the things I love, like spending time with my nieces and nephews, run, Zumba, or hang out with my friends. I do the things I'm supposed to do like homework and my service learning project. I don't have much free time to watch TV or relax much but I'm doing all the important things in life and enjoying it. Even when I'm stressed and wanna pull my hair out :)
I guess my point to all this is my life is full. I'm lucky to have the things I do and the people in my life I do. I have chosen to spend my precious time with people who are amazing and have my best interest at heart. I do the things I love and even the stuff I don't love (homework!) I get an enjoyment out of doing a good job and being the best person I can be. Just because I'm quickly approaching 30 and am divorced with no new boyfriend, that doesn't mean that my life is less than or not full or that my life is sad. I have moments and some emotions to deal with but over all my life is amazing. I focus on the good and positive and let the rest heal in the time it needs to heal in. One day I will be all healed up and maybe even in a relationship again but for now I'm completely content being me and all my other randomness.

Quiet Reflections

I’ve felt rather quite lately.
I have had so much homework and work and feeling like I’m constantly doings something I *have* to do and I feel like my mind is slightly lost in it all. It definitely can be a wonderful thing to not think about the current state of your life and just go with the extremely busy flow. But usually by Saturday night it catches up with me and I feel this uneasy sadness that I wish I could make go away. I have friends, probably a bit too many pulling me in all kinds of directions. I have a family that has been more involved in my life the last year then in my life ever. I have lots of new nieces and nephews to ooo and ahh over and I love them to pieces. But then I ride the bus home and walk the four blocks home, and I can’t help but feel alone. As I go into my apartment and crawl into bed with my cat, I can’t help but feel alone.

The truth is this loneliness used to consume me. I hate to admit it but it did. I was absolutely boy crazy and wanting to prove some point that I was desirable and worthy of someone else’s’ affection. I suppose that is something cheating will do to you. You feel like something that is easily thrown away. Something that even after 10 years could be discarded so easily. It messes with your self worth and everything you thought you were. Well it can if you let it and I did for a while. I let that fear of being someone who wasn’t special enough or beautiful enough or good enough to want to be with, I let that fear or thought consume me. I had to prove it wrong. I finally figured out that somehow I had to let my self know that I wasn’t the problem, that the problem was him. I mean it was my fault for choosing a selfish little boy who could never care about me enough to not treat me like shit. But he’s decision to cheat and lie to me, that was all on him. There was nothing about me and who I am that made him do that; that is just who he is. I’m just the fool that didn’t see what he was capable of. But that is a story for another day.

Slowly that urge started to fade as time went by. I learned that I was ok on my own, that I didn’t need a guy in my life to make my life fun and complete. I realized that was truly in my own hands and I can choose to focus on that one tiny fact of not having that special someone in my life (that society/biology/everyone else in my life tells me that I should have and should strive for). Or I can focus on who I am becoming, how I want to live my life and who I want to surround me. I can choose to focus on what the aspects that are going awesome and let the rest fall away. I can’t control someone else being interested in me and lord knows I will never be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be there. But I can control how I see my life and how I decide to live the life I have. It’s not easy sometimes and sometimes that loneliness tries to creep back in but I do my best to shut it down. I remind myself of how terrible my life was when I was married and how lonely I was when I was with someone. I remind myself of all the ways it can be horribly wrong and how awesome my current life is. Being with someone else doesn’t make it any less awesome.

So I have been quietly reassessing my life. Seeing where I want it to go, who I want to be beside me on my adventures and how I want to spend my free time. That is the nice thing about divorce, you get to make this new life anything you want it to be. This change is forced on you but you get to decide the end result. You can wallow in it and sulking in the shittyness that has happened or you can eventually pick up the pieces and piece together something great. It’s all a process and the great thing of being a year out is that I can clearly see some of those pieces and how I can fit them together.

A new kind of blog...

This blog has taken a lot of different directions since I started it. But a year ago it became something to help me find my way out of a painful divorce I chose not to see coming. It became something to help me find out who Buffy was again and figure it all out. To rebuild me into something better then when I started. But I think I was too scared to put it all out there and it was a shallow at best. I suppose I was too afraid I would hurt or offend someone else. But this is my blog and this is my truth as I see it. I know there are always two sides to every story and this is my side. This is my processing and I will not make any apologizes about that.

Over the last year I have made a lot of head way through a lot of feelings and I know that a lot of that is because of some awesome friends that would listen to me and to my wonderful Sparkpeople family that have been the most loving and supportive people I know. But that platform is a smaller and more restrictive platform and I want to spread my wings. So I’m working on my bravery and posting them here instead.

Divorce is a hard and devastating process. It messes with the very core of who you are or maybe rather who you thought you were. You have to start all over again and it sucks. I can only imagine how much more it sucks with kids. I was lucky to be conscious of the fact that I never wanted to have kids with the ex. To be fair I don’t think I ever want to have kids still (I feel a lot different about it now that he isn’t a part of the equation) but I knew I was never going to have kids with him. I knew he could never be mature enough to be a dad that I would be in that situation all by myself, so how did I ever think he could be a husband? That is why I said I CHOSE not to see it coming. I made up a lot of excuses to make his behavior and actions toward me somehow acceptable. Now I can see how truly miserable I was then and how much his actions affected me, even when I tried so hard to not let them.

One thing I have always tried to do with my life is to take responsibility for my life. Shit happens, I know that. But at some point you have to take your life into your own hands. You life, your happiness, that is all on you. I can rehash why the ex was a shitty husband but I would rather focus on why I let myself stay in such a lonely, unfulfilling relationship for so long. Why did I have such little love and respect for myself to make that kind of relationship to stay in ok? I feel like I started that relationship so young, with such low self esteem, that I never thought I deserved better. The problems started to become much more obvious when I was trying to improve my life and learn to love myself. It was that love that ended up carrying me through the process of the last year and I’m not sure what I would have done without it.

I think it is so important after a break up to take a step back, heal and find the parts in the demise that are your fault. A lot people are quick to blame others for what they did wrong and it is hard to turn the finger around at yourself but I feel like to truly heal and truly grow and to not make the same mistakes over and over again, it is so necessary. I wasn’t perfect and I had my faults too. Lots of them, I know that. But because I choose to see my fault in the relationship I can only hope that if I ever find myself in another relationship again that I will be a better girlfriend because I learned my lessons. Those major, tragic mistakes are often times the best teachers. Those lessons will stay with you forever if you take the time to learn from them.

Half-marathon!

I got a fancy new phone where I can actually blog from. Not sure how often I would but kinda cool to be able to :) So here I am quickly to update on my 2nd half-marathon on Sunday. I ran the entire 13:1 miles and came in at 2:22:29! I'm thrilled with how well I did.

My running partner asked if this was going to become an every year kind of thing....I think it just might be :)

Week 9...3 more to go?!?

Hey! Happy Wednesday :)
So last week’s workouts were right on target. I ran the miles I needed to, I ran them in the time frames that were listed, I got in my strength training workout (Bob Harper’s DVD) and everything. Course for the last one I hurt for three days so I can tell I was rather rusty. Ok honest, I hadn’t done a real strength training workout since the end of April when my wrist started bothering me so I was REALLY rusty. So I’m hoping this week I can have my second week like that.

I had a shorter long run last Saturday (7 miles) but I have my longest one to date this Saturday. 11 miles. Yikes! It is the longest one before the half-marathon (which is October 16th). I’m nervous but I know I can do it. I refuse to doubt myself. What’s the point in that? It will be good to have all that time to think. I have a big anniversary next week and I have had a lot of painful emotions floating around that I need to sort out. What better time to do that then when you are running 11 miles? Seriously over the last year I don’t know what I would have done without running. It’s been my savior and therapy. Stay tuned for an emotional post next week. You have been warned…

Sorry it's been so long...

Ok I’m well aware I have been slacking off on this blog. The last month has been crazy busy and between a trip to Florida (which was amazing :)) and back to school full-time I have been a bit stretched thin. Oh and that whole training for the half-marathon hasn’t helped. But things are starting to get into a groove so I plan on updating here more.

So the half-marathon training is going a lot better lately. I have gotten most of my training runs in (maybe skipping one or two of the short runs during the week) and the last run (9 miles!) on Sunday went really well. I was so excited that I was able to run the entire 9 miles without stopping. It’s a sense of accomplishment that is hard to describe and I cannot wait to do it for the full 13.1 miles. It’s nice to know that I have the dedication even when my life is so crazy to stick with it and accomplish my goals. It shows myself that I matter and that I won’t give up on myself even when life gets hard. Course I proved myself that last year, didn’t I? I guess then it is nice to remind myself of my strength :)

On a side note I have to say a big old congrats to my school Iowa State University on their big win against the University of Iowa (big old rivalry here in Iowa). I was there in the stands and it was such an awesome day! The cheers and energy from that crowd was amazing!

HM Wk 1 and 2 Review

Ok so last week wasn’t great. Actually the last two weeks of training haven’t been great. I’m keeping up slightly but had some allergy/lung illness that caused the running to be hard. Coupled with the extreme heat and humidity it was just hard. I’m looking forward to this week not having so many interruptions, cooler weather and being able to get what stuff done.

One thing I’m going to work on this week is breaking in my new running shoes. I haven’t been wearing them and my knees can tell. I always have a hard time breaking in shoes but I need to. The ones I’m running in now are the ones I trained and ran the half in last year in and have worn ever since (regular runs, two 5k races and a 10k race). I get frustrated because I want to run the whole time but with these that I have to break in I can’t do that. My feet/body just aren’t used to them. But I need to break them in, get it over with early and get on with it.

Also I’m going to work on ST. My wrist finally feels better so I’ll be able to lift weights and be much more consistent with it. Also I’m going to work on my abs when I get back from my runs. I had started and kinda slacked off last week so I want to keep that up.

Hmmm I guess that is it for now. Hopefully for next week I will have better week to report.

Wk 1, day 2 - Running half asleep

With day one of training under my belt, this morning I was on to day two. Day one was easy, 30-40 minutes cross training, which for me is my one-hour Monday night Zumba class. It always leaves me sweaty, happy and ends the day in a way that makes whatever happened before not seem so bad. This morning was the first scheduled training run. As my alarm went off at 5:45am I almost went into automatic “change the alarm to 6:45am instead” mode as so often happens when I try and get up early to workout. It’s funny because I always used to workout in the morning when I was with the ex. Working out at night just didn’t happen because of worries of getting in the way in the living room or him convincing me I didn’t really need to or last minute plans that I would let get in the way. I always worked out in the mornings, always. Now that my time is all mine, I workout mostly at night. It makes the nights after work not feel so lonely. I’m more conscious of why I’m working out and can tend to get out any aggression I may need working out from my day or my life. I have more time for longer workouts if I do it at night. I have come to sleep more and more and trying to get up earlier then I really have to, seems to be a real chore. Anyways I knew I had stuff I had to do tonight after work and this was going to have to be a morning run.

I sleepily turned the alarm off and made way to get ready to run. I was half asleep the whole time, walking back and forth trying to find what I needed.
Long hair pulled back into a pony tail, bondiband on holding bangs back.
Clothes on, chest strap for my Garmin…wait where is the cloth adjustable part?
I could find the hard piece with the actual thing that detects your heart rate but not the stretchy adjustable part that fits around your torso. At this point I’m walking back and forth in my apartment, trying to find something I haven’t used in weeks. Finally in my half asleep brain it dawns on me that I don’t need it to use the Garmin to track how long I’m running in minutes and the distance I’ve gone.
Good enough.
Socks, shoes and mp3 player on. Then on to my new hand held water bottle. Where’s the dang lid?
I then rummage through my dish strainer to find it. Fill up the water bottle and spill a bunch on the floor trying to get the top screwed on. Get my keys into the pouch on the water bottle and I’m ready to run.

The getting ready process was much more complicated then it needed to be. I will get my stuff ready the night before so my half-asleep brain doesn’t have to think so hard next time. The run itself was good. It was warm and muggy already but I kept a slow pace and it was really good. 3 slow miles in 37 minutes. I walked a bit to cool down and then back home to stretch, shower and get on with my day. During the run I realized I really need to make a playlist. My mp3 player selects from all the songs on there and I have it so it randomizes it. It's nice to be surprised but when its a bunch of slow songs, it takes more effort then I care to give to skip until I find a suitable running song. So next task, make a running play list.

Anywho...2 days down, 82 more to go :)

Half-Marathon training...WK 1 Day 1

This week marks the start of the half-marathon for me and like I said last week I’m uber excited. Right now with all the stuff going on in my life I feel like I need this large goal to keep me going on a path that I know I should be on anyways and that will lead me to an accomplishment that will leave me prouder then I can imagine I could be. I think doing it this time on my own I really will be pushing myself, motivating myself, and proving to myself that I can do this too. I think I have proved to myself that I can withstand a lot more then I ever gave myself credit for but sometimes I doubt I have the drive to do things by choice. I know I can do it when pushed but what about when I’m the one doing the pushing?

I like to find quotes that speak to me. I love poetry and if I can find someone else’s words that say just what I’m feeling, I love reading and rereading finding my own meaning in it. Last week I was having a particularly rough start to the week. I was looking for something to lift my spirits and kind of get me mentally prepared to start training. I found this one…“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.” -Charles Darwin

I learned in the last year that I can adapt to change rather well. Going back to school at 28 was a challenge on its own, but once my life fell down around me and I had to deal with my school work, my divorce and then my dad’s accident I learned rather quickly that I do what I have to to get things done. I know that life goes on without you and you have a choice. You can let it drag you behind it or you can get up, walk beside it and keep going. Sometimes life sucks but you have to find the power and strength inside you to keep going. And sometimes that is all you can do, just keep going. Eventually, if you let yourself, you can even thrive in the new life you helped create around you. It’s been a terribly long journey and I have had days that I can’t be so sure about that but I know deep inside if I just keep going, it will get better. I also know that in my life there will be more times that will suck, that will challenge the strength I have, and make me want to crumble under the pressure. But I know as long as I just have to keep going, keep learning the lessons that are there to learn, deal with what I have to deal with, I will come out the other side. You just take it. Day by day, minute by minute, second by second. Whatever it takes, you just keep going. And I can’t help but use those lessons for the half-marathon. I know that some days it will suck. Some days I won’t want to run. Sometimes I won’t want to go that extra mile. Some days my legs will hurt, my knees may ache, my heart just not in it. Hell I ran the entire race last year with my heart not in it. But I’m so much stronger then any circumstance in my life. I will succeed because I will keep going.

I found this other quote “Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.” I choose to grow. I don’t see any other way of living. I want a happy, full life. I will not be a victim of my circumstance. I will grow and thrive and be the best version of myself I can be. Things in your life will always change. Sometimes good, sometimes bad and devastating but we always have the choice. Grow or stay stagnant and angry and blame everyone else around you. This short girl is deciding to grow tall and beautiful in spite of those changes life throws at me. How about you?

Half Marathon, you say?

Next Monday officially starts my half marathon training. I’m pretty excited about it actually. To be back on a dedicated schedule working toward something so big, I think it will help take my mind off some of the other things that have been bothering me. Besides I can sort out some serious baggage on those long runs! It will be nice to see those miles add up toward something, to feel my body getting stronger and faster and better, to have all that time to myself. It just amazes me to have this huge goal in mind and know that I have the capability to achieve it, know that I have done it before. And this time all by myself; just me, my feet, and my forerunner leading the way. I feel lucky and fortunate to have set such a lofty goal and know I have the physical ability to do it. There are so many people out there that just live their stagnant lives and never dream to do something so much more then themselves. They are content with each day passing by, just to get to the next and never really living their lives. Not that you have to run a half marathon to live but you get what I’m saying. I feel so lucky to be a dreamer and know that I can and will do whatever it is my heart desires.

I feel like this is all another way to show myself how much I love myself. I’m showing myself that I can do anything I want. All I have to do is want it and work hard for it. I’m doing this one not because my friend wants me to run it with her (although I love you Sara for getting me in it last time and sparking a love affair that will out last any others) but because I love myself enough to show it in such a tangible way. Because I can take care of myself and dedicate myself to this. Because I want to see if I’m the only one pushing me, just how far I can go. Because I’m worth the hard work and dedication. If I didn’t want more for my life and better for myself, I wouldn’t push myself to go farther. This time I’m doing it because the last one was such an emotional blur that I want to really feel this one. The pride, the pain, the sweat, the joy…all of it. I want to run that race because I’m proud, happy and thriving. Not because my broken heart just won’t give up. It was a beautiful testament to myself then and I’m glad I fought through and finished. But this time will be different because I am such a different person.

I learned so much about myself training for this last year and I have no doubts I will learn so much more. It’s going to be long and hard and awesome all at the same time. And I’m so ready to start!

Wedding Season

I guess I still believe in love. I believe in happily ever after and that sometimes you can be lucky enough to find that person that was just made for you. But I don't know that I buy that there is going to be a happily ever after for me. I know regardless I will be happy in my life and what I do but I don't know that I will ever find someone who is going to love me like I deserve to be loved. Whatever that is just something I will have to workout within myself.

Tomorrow I get to watch one of my very best friends get married to a man she loves more then anything. I have told her that she is one of the only reasons I believe there is true love out there. And her finding hers after all the crap she's gone through does give me hope that maybe...just maybe I could find it too. It's funny because you would think that I would be against marriage now, but I'm not. There are people that belong together and I'm more then happy for them that they have that happiness. Maybe a little jealous but so happy for them. I just don't think it will ever be for me, ever again. I suppose once you had your chance and couldn't get it to work that is all I get. And I'm alright with that.

Anyways hope that if you find yourself in wedding season and newly divorced, you can find happiness for the new couple. Not everyone's story has to end the same way yours did. God I hope not anyways :) To all those happy couples that are starting their forevers...work hard and love that person with everything you got.

I'm not gonna look back

So now that I’m officially divorced I have to say it feels amazing! I cannot wait until my name is changed back everywhere so I don’t even have to acknowledge that I was ever married at all and can forget that any of that even happened. Some people might disagree with my stance on that but I will take my lessons and move the f on. And not that I need to defend why I feel this way but I don’t want the divorce or his cheating defining who I am. And while I will keep the lessons, I would rather not hash and rehash over feelings I have already processed. I would rather not go into it for the millionth time and I’m going to try really hard to just move on from it and leave it in the past where it belongs. I would rather not be reminded of the failure of the marriage and the feelings I have over being a ‘failure’. And I guess most of all I don’t want to be tied to him in any capacity. I don’t want him to be my anything, even my ex-husband. What he did to me, he doesn’t deserve to be tied to me in any way ever again. There is no room in my life for someone who is so intentionally cruel to someone he used to care about. He doesn’t deserve any part of my life and I guess this is me taking back the last 10 years of my life I wasted with him. Maybe it is the anger talking and maybe some day I will be above wishing nothing but horrible awful things, but that day isn’t today. And until that day comes I will work on letting go of that anger so it doesn’t eat me alive. I think I have said this before but I don’t know that I will ever forgive him for what he did because he doesn’t deserve that. But I hope some day I can let go all of the pain and anger he caused me. I want it out of me and I know that I have already come so far in this process that it is really only a matter of time until I make it past this hurdle too.

Now that it is officially over there is nothing left tying me to him. I’m free and happy and so much better off. And damn it I’m gonna celebrate that! I love the life I have now. It is so much better then the life I had with him and if only I had known I would have left a long time ago. I will never settle for someone who treats me like he did. But now I know and as GI Joe would say…knowing is half the battle.

Stronger, better, smarter

Sometimes you feel like crap and there is no getting around it. Sometimes you don’t feel cheery and full of freaking sunshine. Sometimes life gives you rotten sour ass lemons that just make rotten sour ass lemonade. It happens and feeling it is ok. People can’t feel 100% positive and sunny all the time. You can try and make yourself (and trust me some days I know I have to) but even the eternal optimist has problems finding that inner happiness ALL the time. Sometimes you have to feel the bad stuff and process the feeling, validate that you feel that way and get it out of you. Sometimes there isn’t a way around it. BUT then you move on.

Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes the feelings you have about said sucky life…well sucks. You can choose to dwell on the suckyness or you can choose to feel it, process it and then move on. You can continue to focus on the suck, let it rule your life and your mood or you can move on and focus on the not so sucky stuff. There is always not so sucky stuff you can find. It may be small and you may have to hunt for it, but trust me its there. Even if it is just waking up and being alive, that is something to be thankful for.

I was thinking about this on the walk to work this morning. I was thinking about how sometimes life just sucks and I have had many a moment in the last few months that I felt that way. I thought about how during the last few months especially, I have made a real effort to allow myself to feel whatever it is I’m feeling. Happy, sad, lonely, excited, whatever. I don’t try and not feel the bad because it is there for a reason. If you push it away and not acknowledge the feeling, it’s going to come back. And when it comes back it is usually stronger and suckier then it would have been if you dealt with it before. And I think it has helped me feel as good as I do now. And the big difference is you have to then move on. I can sit here and go on and on how getting divorced sucks and how little I think of my ex because of what he did and wah wah wah. I can go on and on about a less then perfect childhood and how much it messed me up. I can go on and on about losing people I loved more then anything and how much I hate that they are gone and I have to go on without them. But what good is that going to do me? Why would I want to be miserable my whole life and just think about the ugliness? Why focus on things I no longer have any control over, instead of the things I do. Like my attitude, the people I surround myself with, the activities I do instead of moping, or ways to deal with the stress I don’t have control over.

I guess I was thinking about it in respect to all the crap that has happened and how I can possibly be hopeful and happy for my future. I was thinking about someone I know that only focuses on the bad and negative and how sad I am for them. How I wish I could tell them life doesn’t have to be that way and instead of focusing on the people who did you wrong, why not focus on the ones that are still around and love you. But I suppose that is another blog for another day. Sorry back to the original point…isn’t that how we learn, from our past experiences though? Unfortunately my past experiences say people suck and will screw you over and let you down. But how lonely of a life would that be if I just assume everyone is like that. Aren’t I doing a better service to my future and my happiness by learning what fault I had in the situation, learning the lessons there to learn and moving on smarter and stronger then before? Isn’t it better to acknowledge that I picked to marry a guy that was very immature and selfish and that is was so wrong thinking he would grow up into an adult? I guess some would say that expecting someone to become an adult isn’t asking a lot (and I didn’t think so either) but isn’t it more important to learn the lesson that you cannot change people and you should be ok with them for who they are NOW not what they could/should/promised to be later? Isn’t it better to learn that what you see is what you get and to be more honest with myself in any future relationship? Isn’t it better to see what the relationship really was and to accept the responsibility I had for what it was? Not just push all the blame and not learn anything?

I guess some might call me foolish but I still believe the best in people. Ok yeah there are certain people that I know are just bad but why would I want to assume that of everyone. Isn’t it better to believe that people are good until they prove you wrong? Aren’t there more people that are really good inside then bad? I have to believe that is true. I still believe that there is a guy out there that is going to love and cherish me and not break my heart. I know now what it is like to be in a crummy relationship and what I want in the future. I know what I contributed and the bad I brought and I hope in the future I will be a better girlfriend because of it. I still believe that no matter what life throws at me I am strong enough to withstand it, I know that now.

Ok to recap…life sucks sometimes but it is also really good at other times. You have to accept the suck for what it is, feel it and move on. You will be stronger and smarter if you learn your lessons and move on. This is me moving on

Dang you Murphy!

I’m having a bad day. Last week wasn’t great either. This weekend was so so but not great either. I have a lot on my mind and I suppose today it has come to a head. The phrase ‘whatever can go wrong will go wrong’ is so appropriate today.

But I don’t want to be in a bad mood because of things that are beyond my control. The things that are making my week, weekend, day bad are not things I have any control over whatsoever. The control lays in how I choose to react to it. Sure there was a moment today I was on the verge of tears because after the millionth thing I just didn’t think I could take anymore. But it was at that moment I thought, I cannot let all this crap upset me so much. I sat at my desk, took some deep breaths and told myself to calm down. After a bit I told myself to think about something positive. I know I need to sort out something in response of all the bad crap that has come up but other things I’m just gonna worry about incessantly. That isn’t helpful and isn’t going to get me anywhere except an upset stomach.

One thing that has become crystal clear to me is you have control over so much in your life and that is where you should focus your attention. Not on the things you don’t. Sometimes is seems like a fine line and sometimes things you think you have control over you really don’t and vice versa. But needlessly worrying about those that you don’t is really pointless. Sometimes unavoidable but pointless nonetheless. So I took a few moments and felt the worry and anger. I went through the thoughts and feelings and then let them go. Or as best I can. I changed my focus onto the little bits of positive I can find in my life and it has really helped minimize the negative emotions. It’s not easy but I suppose nothing that is worth it ever is. It takes practice and time and I have had a lot of that in the past 7 months. Life is definitely chucking lemons at me and damn it I’m gonna make lemonade!

Who you calling broken?

I read a quote today that said “you are not broken and do not need fixed” -Joshua Estrin
It got me thinking about the implications of viewing yourself as broken and how it would impact how you would go about living your life. I have always thought of myself as damaged, having a lot of emotional baggage and broken. And that notion implies that there is something wrong with you that needs fixed. That you aren’t whole, you are missing a part of you and you need to find/fix that missing piece. It implies that you are a victim of your circumstance and past and that inherently because of that you are no longer a complete, whole, healthy individual. Like you can’t live a happy healthy life because of something that happened in your past that you have to make better. But the truth is the past is unfixable. It is what it is. You can’t go back and change it. Instead you have to come to terms with what happened and be able to move on in a forward direction. You have to be able to accept it as a part of who you were and decide if you want it to affect who you are now. You can hold on to the past grievances and use them as justification for your brokenness and behavior or you can let them go.

And if you think about it isn’t everyone damaged/broken/maimed by things that have happened to them over the course of their life? There is no such thing as a perfect life. Hasn’t everyone had their hard times and scuffles? How is one persons’ ‘damage’ any less or more so then the next? So why do we feel damaged or broken or less than instead of just human? Human beings all go through strife and struggle. Human beings have lessons learned and become stronger from those lessons. Human beings give out their hearts and sometimes it doesn’t work out. Isn’t that all a part of being human? But can’t we thrive in spite of all that? Just because someone had a bad childhood or divorce or a loved one die or whatever hardship they suffered through, why does that somehow imply that there is no good to be found in their life after? Why does that have to mean that there is now something ‘wrong’ with them and that they are now somehow less than they were before? Doesn’t that just make you smarter, stronger, more adaptable to change, more appreciative of the good that is in your life? And if it doesn’t isn’t that the real cause for the brokenness? That you somehow couldn’t find a way to rise above the struggle and instead made it part of who you are. You can go through a trauma and it doesn’t have to break you, you can instead become stronger and better because of it. And the beauty of it all is YOU get to decide. You have the control over that part of the equation.

Everyone has a past and I think it is more what you chose to do with that past rather then what it contains, that makes all the difference. Bad things happen to people but it is how they handle those bad things that determines what kind of person they are. You cannot control what life throws at you but you can control how you react and handle what is thrown. It seems so simple to just change your mind about how you think of things but it makes all the difference in the world and it is a lot harder then it sounds. You have to start going against all that you thought was so. You have to fight against what feels like a natural instinct and change the way you see a given situation. So I decided today on my quest of getting through my emotional baggage I will no longer refer to myself as broken/damaged/not whole. I’m the same person I was before the divorce just smarter, stronger, and much much tougher. It does not define me and it will not make me a victim of that circumstance. I accept the situation for what it is and I will learn my lesson and move on. It has not damaged or broken me. I have to let something do that and I refuse.

Who are you?

I was told today by my doctor that she didn’t recognize me. I’m not sure how different I look from last September but apparently enough for her to comment. I had a regular listener from the radio station to drop something off and she asked me if I was someone else. I said no I’m Buffy and she said “oh my goodness I didn’t recognize you, you look so different.” I can’t really remember the last time she was in but maybe late last summer, early fall. It wasn’t until my doctor commented too that I really thought about it. Did I look that different? I was pretty tan then with all the running and outdoor bootcamp. My hair was lighter. But I can’t imagine that my hair being a bit darker and my skin more pale would make me unrecognizable. I have lost 10 lbs and I know on a short girl like me that can make a difference.

The more I think about it I wonder how much it has to do with how much happier and at ease I feel. I’m sure that how good I feel emotionally has to translate on the outside. I supposed with you lose a toxic person in your life you are bound to feel and look different. Sure I have to deal with my share of the drama now but my life over all is so much more at peace and happy. I look forward to my future and all the things I can accomplish. I no longer dread the days and just pass them like they don’t matter. Like me and my life don’t matter. I used to think because I didn’t matter to him, that I didn’t matter. I’ve learned a lot in the last 7 months and I have to tell you I never imagined I could be this happy 7 months out. I suppose it has so much to do with your outlook and perspective.

So look around you today. Are you living the life you want? What is holding you back? Are you radiating happiness because you feel it inside? How could you make changes so that you do? Maybe it’s not that I’m happier. Maybe it is because I’m paler, darker hair, less 10 lbs. But I’d like to think that my life and happiness has something to do with it :)

Food Journal day 4

Yay it’s Friday! A lot of my food eaten today is the same as yesterday but if anything new pops up don’t worry I’ll post more pictures.
Thursday breakfast was a hard boiled egg, 1 tbs of brummel and brown yogurt spread, and a whole grain English muffin…213 calories


Lunch was leftoves of the cheesy crockpot chicken, ½ cup brown rice, and ½ cup canned green beans…421 calories
On a side note I did a little research and apparently by draining and rinsing canned vegetables for 2-3 min cuts down the sodium by 40%. I always did but didn’t know how much so I thought I’d share.

Dinner was tuna mixed with 2 tbs of the left over dip from the shower to make a sort of tuna salad, with a serving (counted them out and everything) reduced fat wheat thins and carrots…320 calories

My snacks were the same as they have been this week. Banana and string cheese, and two cups of coffee. Grand total for yesterday was 1297.

It will be interesting to see how this food journaling will go this weekend. I'm really excited about it and committed to keeping it up so hopefully it will keep me on track. Have a great Friday!

Food Journal Day 3

I think this picture taking is really working! I am through three days of keeping my food on point and I peeked at the scale today and it was down 2 lbs. We'll see what it really is on official weigh in day Saturday but I was pretty excited with that.

I had a bit of a rough morning yesterday. I went to reset my alarm and set it completely wrong and woke up late. Anyways I had some Lean Pocket's Egg, Bacon and Cheese in the freezer at work so that was my breakfast. They are pretty good but definitely don't keep me full through the entire morning...Calories 280


Lunch was a salad again, and the only added to the previous salads was some cauliflower. I was a little low on lettuce then I'd like so I added a bit for some extra volume to the salad. Again this was left overs from the baby shower and I've decided I don't *love* cauliflower. I don't hate it like I thought (like I still really don't like celery. I can eat it with peanut butter but otherwise, yuck!) so I guess that is good. On the other hand with these veggies I found out I really really like raw broccoli. The salad...456 calories


Dinner was the Cheesy Crockpot Chicken and oh man was it tasty! I added a half cup of brown rice and half a cup of canned green beans. If I had corn I probably would have added that too. My recipe made 4 servings (I didn't have as much chicken as the recipe called for)...421 calories


My snack between breakfast and lunch was a banana, string cheese and coffee (251 calories) and between lunch and dinner was carrots, broccoli and dip (114 calories). Mmmmmm.




Grand total for the day 1523 calories

Food journal day 2

Had another great eating day yesterday. I was feeling kinda emotional last night and really wanted to snack but I thought about having to portion it out and taking a picture and going over my calories and if I was really hungry and all that. Basically I thought the heck out of it and then got busy doing something else and the urge passed.

Breakfast was the same as yesterday…315 calories
Oh and a cup of coffee between breakfast and lunch….93 calories

Lunch was a salad like dinner the night before…456 calories
Since breakfast and lunch were the same as yesterday I don't have a picture posted.

Dinner was veggies, pita chips and hummus and dip (left overs still from the baby shower)…443 calories. Thankfully I portioned it all out so that even when I wanted to keep eating I had finished what was on my plate and I was done. Otherwise it would have been such a disaster!


Snacks I did not get a picture of because I didn’t have my camera with me to take a picture of it. But I had a small can of pineapple, string cheese, and coffee…292 calories

Total calories...1600

This is what is for dinner tonight. I had to adjust the recipe a bit for what I have on hand but I have made it before and it is tasty! I’m going to have brown rice and some veggies with it as well.

Food journal Day 1

I’ve been struggling with food lately. Big time. I have always done really well with working out consistently and the food thing is really hit and miss. Mostly miss, especially these days. I know that is where I fail 90% of the time and I just end up in this vicious cycle. Now that I live alone and am dealing with all the emotions from the last 6 months, my eating has gotten so bad. Lots of eating out, lots of emotional binge eating especially at night, not measuring and just guessing at portions, those sorts of things. So I had an idea that I have seen other people do before and thought it might just work for me. I’ve decided to take pictures of everything I eat in a day and post it. If I have to show everyone I have to be honest about it, will feel compelled to measure everything and in essence hold myself accountable that way. Right now I’m just focusing on keeping the calories in my calorie range. Next I will focus on making sure I’m getting all the other nutrients right. So here is my day in eating yesterday…

Most of the time this is my breakfast. Whole grain English muffin, 1 tbs brummel and brown yogurt spread, 1 oz of 2% cheddar cheese, scrambled egg (1 whole egg and one egg white). Total 315 calories.


Between breakfast and lunch I just had my cup of coffee, with 2 creamers, and 2 cubes of sugar for 93 calories.

Lunch was a left over slice of pepperoni pizza from my take out this weekend from Little Ceaser’s and left over veggies and dip from what I took to a baby shower this weekend. Sorry I took a bite of the pizza before I remembered I was going to take a picture of it :) 330 calories


My snack between lunch and dinner was another cup of coffee (I was so tired and it was one of those days) and a medium banana and reduced fat string cheese. I did not get a chance to take a picture of this though. 251 calories

Dinner was one of my favorite salads I like to make. Lettuce, ¼ cup of sunflower seeds, 1 oz of 2% cheddar cheese, 1 cup of croutons, and 1.5 tbs of light ranch dressing. 489 calories


For a grand total of 1477 calories for the day. And I burned 526 at Zumba and the run home so it was a good day over all for all totals involved. Hoping today will be just as good :)

6 months later and never losing hope

I just re-read some blogs I wrote on sparkpeople.com from around the time my ex left me and it really made me appreciate how far I have come. I went back to the one I wrote two days after and the comments that my sparkfriends had written in response and I could feel the pain I felt and the love they shared with me. The pain and shock scream out in those words and I can feel it again. The heaviness in my chest. The feeling that I couldn’t breath because of the weight of my life falling down around me. How I skipped around in thoughts because I couldn’t get my mind to process them in an orderly fashion. The confusion of how to reconcile the world I knew before he dropped his bomb to the aftermath my life became after. In those memories I can feel it all again.

But this time with distance. This time with pride on how far I came out of that hole he knocked me down into. This time I can look and see what I was then and how completely different I am now. That was a broken version of who I used to be. That girl was a mess and now I see how much less of a mess I am. I think I forgot the extent of the pain until I re-read in my own words how bad I felt. I think I forgot how much better I feel now until I read in my own words soaked with the pain he left behind. I can see it all so clearly now, who that broken girl was and who I am now. I can see the strength it took to keep going in spite of it all. I can see how much courage it took to keep my life going in any direction besides just staying in bed. I dealt with the things I needed to. I moved my life forward and I went on.

I was reading how I couldn’t tell my family about what happened yet because my sister was getting ready to have her baby. She and her husband had tried for so long to get pregnant and finally were. The baby was overdue and she was growing more and more impatient. I did my best to stay interested, sending texts to see how she was feeling, trying to distract her so she didn’t think about being overdue, being as supportive as I could with my world in pieces and them having no idea. Finally a few days after the bomb she was induced. I remember driving down to Des Moines to go visit her after she had the baby and I bawled and bawled on the phone to my friend Joni. I didn’t know how in the world I was going to keep it together enough for them to think I was ok. As Joni always does, she was able to snap me back into what I needed to do and keep my shit together. I look back on the pictures and I can see the pain in my face though. But somehow I plastered on a fake smile and they didn’t seem to notice. I think more then anything they were distracted enough by the happiness of the baby and how much love they had for her and all that. Thank goodness because I didn’t have a lot in me to be real convincing. I guess to me that is the epitome of doing what you have to do when life is crumbling around you. Your life might be over but the rest of the world keeps going. And you can either be dragged behind it or you can get up and go along with it. At some point you decide that you can’t let the pain kill you and you have to get your head above water. And that is just what I did. I can’t tell you how or when but at some point my life wasn’t such a struggle anymore. At some point I was more ok then destroyed. At some point I was optimistic about the future. I didn’t doubt that I would survive anymore. I knew I could do it, it was just going to take time. And here I am 6 months later and doing far better then I ever could imagine. It makes me so hopeful for the future.

It is so fitting that my niece that was born in the days following my life falling apart is named Hope. I tried hard to not lose hope in that time but it was hard not to. I even got a tattoo reminding me that “when the world says give up, hope whispers try it one more time”. I heard a really good one by Dave Ramsey today on his show “No one can take your hope, you have to surrender it voluntarily. The only one who can take your hope is you.” It reminds me of that time and how no matter how close to losing hope I was, I still believed that my life would get better. I questioned it a lot but I knew somehow I would find a way to survive it. And now that I’m not just surviving but actually living my life I can appreciate that time for what it taught me. I can appreciate going through hell because I now know what type of person I will never settle for again. I will never allow a person to treat me the way I allowed him to treat me for so long. I will never be that girl again and I only have great things to look forward to. And that feels really good :)

My thoughts on "Comes the Dawn"

I think for far too long I expected someone else to be my everything and be able to fix me. I thought that if I could just get someone to love me, they could heal my broken heart and make me worth something. It’s hard not to revert back to that mindset for me. It’s hard not to think that if someone loves me that makes me somehow more valuable of a person. It’s hard not to think that if someone pays attention to me that he isn’t going to be my knight in shining armor. He is going to make this nightmare go away and make me whole again. That somehow someone else has that power and I do not. I hear it now and realize how unfair and unrealistic that is to put on to someone else. It’s like that love could somehow make me something other then what I am. But the truth is I’m broken. I had my life shatter down around me. I picked up the pieces and its going to take time to put them all back together. And no boy holding my hand or kissing my lips is going to make it any easier. This is something I have to do alone and learn my lessons from. I have to become happy and content with myself before I can bring anything good to a relationship. Otherwise I’m just setting it up for failure.

There are times when the loneliness really gets me and I convince myself that I’m ready for someone to come into my life. And I’m truly convinced at the time. I’m tired of feeling so many negative feelings and trying to sort it out. I guess maybe it’s an escape to an extent. Maybe with someone else I can pretend to not be so broken. Maybe I can become someone else that isn’t so damaged. Someone better. Someone more worthy of loving. It doesn’t take long for me to realize how not ready I am for it though. It’s not easy to process all the feelings I have but in the end it will be worth it. I will be a happier person and maybe someday that will translate into being a happy person with someone else that is happy too. Maybe not but at least I will have a happy me and I’m ok with that.

The truth is I don’t know why I’m in such a rush. I am really enjoying being single. I like being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I like being able to make my own plans and not have to consider anyone else in what I’m doing. I like being able to spend time with all my friends and feeling their unconditional love. I like reconnecting with my family and spending time with them. I like making my lists of all the things I want to do and being able to do them. I like that all the energy I spend on myself is not wasted, like it was when I spent that energy on my ex. Now all my love and attention is on me and it feels good.

All we have is today and tomorrow is not guaranteed. In life, in relationships, in so many things. I love the quote “plan as if you will live forever, live as if you will die tomorrow”. You never know when the world as you know it will be gone or when your last day at all will be. I have lots of plans for my life and I know that it will take some time to accomplish it all. But the great thing is I’m working toward it and moving in a forward direction. If I die tomorrow I might not get all my stuff done on my list but I won’t have any regrets. I did what I could, with the time that I had. And when I die and if I never find that special someone I’m ok with that too. I know that I have so many people who love me and the love of some unknown boy isn’t going to make that love or me mean any less. I will know that I loved myself and that I lived the best I could. I will know the people that I do love will know and what I leave behind will be worth far more then I could ever imagine. And that is something that no one can take away from me

"Comes the Dawn"

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...
Author Unknown

A friend of mine shared this with me today. I have a lot of feelings about it and want to nail them down but am having a hard time articulating them right now. Much like a lot of my feelings lately. But I wanted to share, see what kind of feelings it brought up for how. How it spoke to you? Maybe see how that is different from mine.

Recipe to try this week...

I usually set goals for myself to accomplish for the week. It helps keep me focused and helps me refocus on the new week ahead. One of my goals this week is to cook at least one meal at home. I have been eating out a lot and am finding it hard to cook for one now. It's just one of those things I need to get back into the habit of. So here is what is on tap for this week...

Garlic Chicken and Spinach with Orzo

Ingredients

Chicken Breast, 12 oz
Orzo, Barilla, uncooked, 8 oz
Olive Oil, 2 tsp
Garlic, 1 tbs
Spinach, fresh, 3 cup
Campbell's low sodium chicken broth, 2 cup
Water, tap, 1 cup (8 fl oz)
Parmesan Cheese, grated, 4 tbsp

Seasonings...
Pinch of red pepper flakes
dried basil
Paprika
Original recipe called for fresh parsley and since I didn't have I used some dried

Directions
1. Add chicken broth and one cup of water to a pot, bring to a boil. Add orzo pasta, cook for 8 to 10 minutes, until al dente, or until orzo absorbs most of the liquid. (leave some liquid in pot. Mine was mostly soaked up and made the orzo stick to the pot. I just added a bit of water to it)

2. Heat the oil in a skillet over medium-high heat, and cook the garlic and red pepper 1 minute, until garlic is golden brown. Stir in chicken, season with remaining seasoning and cook 5 minutes, until lightly browned and juices run clear. Reduce heat to medium and mix in cooked orzo. Place spinach in the skillet. Continue cooking 5 minutes, stirring occasionally, until spinach is wilted. Serve topped with Parmesan cheese.(I served out one portion and added 1 tbs of the cheese to it)

Nutritional Info
Servings Per Recipe: 4
Amount Per Serving
Calories: 400.5
Total Fat: 8.0 g
Cholesterol: 77.0 mg
Sodium: 481.5 mg
Total Carbs: 44.2 g
Dietary Fiber: 2.6 g
Protein: 37.9 g

Happy and Cheerful? Me? Really?

Someone made a comment to me yesterday that after all that has happened to me that they were surprised that I’m really a happy cheerful person. It was surprising to them because I should be a depressed, upset, negative person. I took this as a great compliment. I used to be a very negative, self abusive, angry person. I held on to my past hurts like I could not survive without them. They defined me and that was the life I lived. Always the victim, always sad about something, always seeing the bad in things, always at the whim of others whether it was going to be a good day or bad day. I was raised that way and really didn’t know life could be any other way then miserable. I hated myself, my life, everything really.
I have fought so hard against that person and somehow found the optimist in me. I came to love myself and care what happened to me. My life was suddenly all in my control and I had the choice of being happy and content or being sad and miserable. I finally saw my life as my own and was determined to make it great. I was no longer defined by what had been done to me or my past.
I was so afraid I was going to lose that girl when all this happened. I was so scared of reverting back to the old me and becoming a bitter shell of a person. And who could blame me? There definitely was a part of me that wanted nothing more to fall apart (and there were moments I did) and just stay in bed and shut down. But there was a stronger part of me that knew that life goes on with or without me and I had a choice. I could lay there and let myself die, become a shell and just live my life going through the motions. Which to be honest is the easiest way to go. But that isn’t who I have become. I’m not that girl anymore and no divorce or accident or whatever is going to change that. I’m that girl who fights for herself and her happiness and I’m so glad I didn’t lose her.

So many people look at me with pity in their eyes. I can see it and I can feel it. Hell I feel it for myself sometimes. I look in the mirror and question how in the world I’m still standing. And I know that my life is kinda sad now and I get that. It’s been a rough 6 months. I’m not made that they pity me. I would probably pity them too. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, it’s just what it is.
This comment made me realize that I’m also looked at as a positive and happy person too. People have told me how well I’m doing and while I hate hearing it, I also appreciate it. Inside I don’t feel like I’m doing well because I compare it to how I want to feel and be great and fine with everything and I’m not there yet. But that is when I have to shift how I think about it. When I think about how I could be handling things and how bad I could be right now because all that has happened, I realize that I am doing well. I’m doing the best I can and my best is better then others may have handled it or better then old me would have handled it. And maybe the part of me that hates hearing it is the part of me that was the negative woe-is-me girl that wants to feel awful and weak.

I was reading an article about how if you experience a close tragic death it helps you to deal with other traumatic events down the road, losing a job, divorce, another death, etc. And it makes sense because you have been through the stress and trauma before so you know what to expect and you know that you make it out of it ok. Maybe a little battered and broken but still ok. You see that life goes on and you will eventually smile again. You will one day be able to laugh and be happy. You will never be the same but you will come out the other side. It’s hard to see in the middle of it though. I remember thinking in the very beginning of this that I really wasn’t convinced I was going to come out the other side. But I guess there was always a little voice in there that told me I was going to be ok. And the more the days past the more I knew it was going to be a really long and bumpy road but eventually I was going to be ok. I had survived the death of my best friend, I could survive a divorce. The more I progressed through it I was more worried what the end product was going to be coming out the other side though. But by the sounds of it I’m on my way to being better then ok so I’ll take it.

It’s really an amazing thing to be able to define yourself not as your past experience or what others have done to you and to define yourself by your own terms. When you decide who you are and how you will live your life no one can take that from you. You own your life and the sooner you realize that you have control how you live it the sooner you can be on the road to doing great things with your life. I maybe a work in progress but I’m working toward something better and happier and that makes things a little easier to handle. I might fall and trip but I’m gonna keep going because I’m worth not giving up on.

Letting go

Divorce is a tricky thing. Not just the separation of a relationship you thought you’d be in the rest of your life, but it really messes with your self esteem.

I not only lost the part of me that was a wife, sister/daughter-in-law, partner, all of that, but I lost so much of the progress I had made with my self esteem. I always said when I was younger that I had no self esteem and it was something I fought hard to change. I banned all that negative self talk and spoke to myself as if I were my best friend. I focused on my positive qualities and didn’t pick myself apart. It’s funny too because I didn’t think my self esteem was tied to him at all. I was the one rebuilding it and he did little to help me feel better about myself. But that kind of rejection is bound to rock you to your core.

How could I tell myself I was amazing when the person that was supposed to love me forever didn’t feel that way? How was I supposed to not feel like a failure when I couldn’t hold together our relationship? If I couldn’t mean more to him how could I possibly love myself? If he could just throw me away like that, how could I convince myself that I was worth anything at all? I couldn’t see past what he did to me and what that meant I was. But the truth is I’m so much more then his actions and what he did. It will only define me if I let it. I don’t want to be a bitter divorced girl the rest of my life. I refuse to let that win.

Now 5 months later I still have a hard time not letting those negative thoughts get me. I have a hard time thinking anyone could possibly want me if he didn’t. I don’t know that I will ever be able to be in a healthy relationship and be able to trust anyone again but that isn’t something I have to worry about now. Right now I focus on the positive things I do have in my life and not the things I lost. I’m honest with myself and try to see the life I want, not the life I don’t have anymore. The truth is that life sucked. I was miserable. I was lying to myself, trying to make it work.
Now I have the world at my feet and can truly do whatever I want with my life. The self esteem will come back. I know that I’m worth more then he gave me. I built it up once before and I can do it again. It might take some time and it might be hard but I know I’m worth it. And that makes all the difference in the world.

New Year, New Me

Total emotional upheaval is probably the phrase that best sums up the last three months. With the divorce, my dad’s accident, the holidays and school, I didn’t have much left in me. I was so emotionally exhausted and I guess that is to be expected with all that has gone on. So here I am a new year and trying to make my life what I want it to be. Happy and healthy and moving forward. At least now the chaos in my life is much more manageable and seems to be moving toward a good place. Slowly but surely…gotta take baby steps.

One of my big goals of the year is to make sure I process and deal with the emotional aftermath of the divorce. I don’t want to be a bitter betrayed girl the rest of my life. If I ever got into another relationship I don’t want to drag in a bunch of unresolved issues with me. I want to be able to go on with my life and have my past not define me. I will not let this be my undoing. I know now that my life will is better off now and I know that the path to being 100% ok will be a long one. But I know that I have the strength in me to make my life whatever I want it. I can keep myself in a miserable place or I can thrive in a beautiful environment that I create. I choose to be happy or sad. I chose to get stuck in this awful lonely place or I can reach out and be with people who love me. I may have lost some friends in this whole thing but the people who are still in my life are amazing and their support has meant so much to me.

I also want to take this opportunity to do the things I want to do. I have nothing holding me back so why not live the life I always dreamed of? I have spent enough time sulking and feeling sorry for myself and I am ready to make this amazing life that I will look back and be proud of all the things I’ve done. I want to live my life and be happy and do things. I don’t want to waste my life in front of the TV feeling sorry for myself. I think a lot of my life I have tried to live and waste but I have more freedom then ever before to do all the things I want and become the person I always dreamed of.

I think we all owe it to ourselves to not let our circumstances stand in our way. We can chose to let things destroy us or we can decide to come out on top. I don’t know about you but I know which option I’m taking.