Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Rebuilding your life is an interesting process. When it is in pieces around you, you have no idea how or what you can piece it back together to be. I think for me it was more about leaving those pieces alone and starting new. While for a while I wanted to pretend none of it even happened, I realize soon enough the need to deal with it and accept what happened but not let it define who I was or my future. I know there are times I still struggle, especially with the anger but I know I’m really far ahead of where I could be in the grand scheme of things. In one of my classes we learned about divorce and the impact on children, how it was best to handle it, that kind of thing and they said it takes two years to get used to all the changes divorce causes. My two years will be in September and I have to tell you every day, every month I love where my life is and where it is going. It’s really not that long ago but I feel like a totally different person. I have rebuilt myself and my life into something so different from who I was. It’s an amazing accomplishment if you think about it. From the rubble you come through and thrive. Not everyone can do that and get stuck in that really dark place. I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little nervous about this summer. Since the divorce started I’ve been in school. I did drop down to one class one semester but other then that I’ve been plugging away. It’s a little unnerving to think about all the time I’m going to have on my hands and all the things I can do. I’m hoping that I have dealt enough with all the stuff that I can just enjoy my summer with the new bf and everything will super great. I guess I shouldn’t really hope because I know I have done what I can and if anything comes up I will be able to deal with it. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t cross my mind though. One of the big things that has become glaringly clear to me is how much control I have in my life, even in uncontrollable situations. You have to be able to take what parts you can control and focus there. While I had no control over what was done to me, I had control over what part I played in it and what I did with the pieces after. I can be the victim or I can be my own hero. I prefer to be my own hero and make my story what I want it to be. I’m embarrassed that I spent so long in a place where I didn’t realize that, where I didn’t realize my own worth, where I stayed with someone like him and let him treat me the way he did. I’m embarrassed that he is my ex-husband as opposed to some dude I dated and when I figured out what a tool he was I let him go. But that is all in my past and I can’t change that. So you deal with the emotions as they arise and move on. The one emotion I have a hard time with is the anger. I’m so much happier without him and so much happier then I thought was possible with the new bf. But I’m angry about what he did to me. I’m angry at him for not seeing how amazing I was and all that I did do for him and not giving me enough respect to end things the way they deserved. I’m angry with myself for not seeing where this was going and ending it so much sooner. I’m angry that I made it ok for him to treat me the way he did and that I clung on to something that was so long gone or maybe that I never really had with him. I’m angry that he has done so many awful things to me and yet somehow karma has not kicked him in the nuts yet. I’m angry that I feel so angry toward him. I don’t want him to take up residence in my life or my mind at all. Having the anger seems like its keeping him in my life and I hate that. I wish awful things on him and the girl he cheated on me with and that really isn’t me. I’m a nice person, I try to be nice to everyone, I’m compassionate and kind. It’s not in my nature to hate or wish terrible things on someone. But I do on them. And I know how much of a waste of time it is. Can’t I just hope something terrible happens to them and I can never think of them again? How do I resolve the anger without forgiving or without saying it was ok? How do you get over the anger when they haven’t been punished for what they did? How do they get to destroy someone’s life and they get to be happy and ok? That just doesn’t seem fair. And maybe that is where it all lies. Life isn’t fair. I know that so well but yet we expect it to be. I guess we just have to do the best we can with what we have and hope that things turn out as we deserve. Sometimes it doesn’t but then sometimes it does. I think about the crazy amount of love I feel for the bf and I question why am I so lucky to have found that. But when I really think about the crap I’ve been through it seems almost more that maybe that is the universe throwing me a bone. Like “you have been so good for so long and got crapped on all along the way. We see how hard you are trying and here is something absolutely beautiful for your life”. Maybe it’s a reward for always trying to do the right thing, for always trying to be a good person. Finally things are going your way because you earned it, you deserve it. And maybe I need to stop questioning it. So this summer I have a lot of things I want to do and one of things I need to work through is my anger. I have to let it go and release all the ugliness that comes with it. I know that but when you have every right to feel that angry it’s hard to let it go. After all the suffering, it’s hard to just let it go. But I will. I’m determined and you see what happens when I set my mind to things. Beautiful things happen.