Someone made a comment to me yesterday that after all that has happened to me that they were surprised that I’m really a happy cheerful person. It was surprising to them because I should be a depressed, upset, negative person. I took this as a great compliment. I used to be a very negative, self abusive, angry person. I held on to my past hurts like I could not survive without them. They defined me and that was the life I lived. Always the victim, always sad about something, always seeing the bad in things, always at the whim of others whether it was going to be a good day or bad day. I was raised that way and really didn’t know life could be any other way then miserable. I hated myself, my life, everything really.
I have fought so hard against that person and somehow found the optimist in me. I came to love myself and care what happened to me. My life was suddenly all in my control and I had the choice of being happy and content or being sad and miserable. I finally saw my life as my own and was determined to make it great. I was no longer defined by what had been done to me or my past.
I was so afraid I was going to lose that girl when all this happened. I was so scared of reverting back to the old me and becoming a bitter shell of a person. And who could blame me? There definitely was a part of me that wanted nothing more to fall apart (and there were moments I did) and just stay in bed and shut down. But there was a stronger part of me that knew that life goes on with or without me and I had a choice. I could lay there and let myself die, become a shell and just live my life going through the motions. Which to be honest is the easiest way to go. But that isn’t who I have become. I’m not that girl anymore and no divorce or accident or whatever is going to change that. I’m that girl who fights for herself and her happiness and I’m so glad I didn’t lose her.
So many people look at me with pity in their eyes. I can see it and I can feel it. Hell I feel it for myself sometimes. I look in the mirror and question how in the world I’m still standing. And I know that my life is kinda sad now and I get that. It’s been a rough 6 months. I’m not made that they pity me. I would probably pity them too. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, it’s just what it is.
This comment made me realize that I’m also looked at as a positive and happy person too. People have told me how well I’m doing and while I hate hearing it, I also appreciate it. Inside I don’t feel like I’m doing well because I compare it to how I want to feel and be great and fine with everything and I’m not there yet. But that is when I have to shift how I think about it. When I think about how I could be handling things and how bad I could be right now because all that has happened, I realize that I am doing well. I’m doing the best I can and my best is better then others may have handled it or better then old me would have handled it. And maybe the part of me that hates hearing it is the part of me that was the negative woe-is-me girl that wants to feel awful and weak.
I was reading an article about how if you experience a close tragic death it helps you to deal with other traumatic events down the road, losing a job, divorce, another death, etc. And it makes sense because you have been through the stress and trauma before so you know what to expect and you know that you make it out of it ok. Maybe a little battered and broken but still ok. You see that life goes on and you will eventually smile again. You will one day be able to laugh and be happy. You will never be the same but you will come out the other side. It’s hard to see in the middle of it though. I remember thinking in the very beginning of this that I really wasn’t convinced I was going to come out the other side. But I guess there was always a little voice in there that told me I was going to be ok. And the more the days past the more I knew it was going to be a really long and bumpy road but eventually I was going to be ok. I had survived the death of my best friend, I could survive a divorce. The more I progressed through it I was more worried what the end product was going to be coming out the other side though. But by the sounds of it I’m on my way to being better then ok so I’ll take it.
It’s really an amazing thing to be able to define yourself not as your past experience or what others have done to you and to define yourself by your own terms. When you decide who you are and how you will live your life no one can take that from you. You own your life and the sooner you realize that you have control how you live it the sooner you can be on the road to doing great things with your life. I maybe a work in progress but I’m working toward something better and happier and that makes things a little easier to handle. I might fall and trip but I’m gonna keep going because I’m worth not giving up on.
No comments:
Post a Comment