Trust

I don’t trust myself. I’ve known this for a while but I don’t think I realized how far it reached and how many aspects of my life it affected. I mean it’s hard to trust yourself when you lead yourself willingly into a life that you should have realized much sooner was a mistake. That you can make yourself believe that a bad relationship is good enough, that you at some point didn’t care enough for yourself to make yourself happy. That you could wake each morning exhausted from the fight and still keep your self believing that this whole deal is ok. So it all makes sense to me that I wouldn’t trust myself when it comes to picking out another dude. But why it is so far reaching in so many aspects of my life? I’m understandably a little gun shy. When you’ve made a devastating mistake before, it makes you really scared to make another mistake and makes you really cautious in other aspects of your life. I mean yes you have survived something like that but you also know how terrible and debilitating that feels. It’s a place you don’t want to go back to, you want to avoid it at all costs and you do whatever you can to ensure your safety. It all makes sense to me. But when it comes to myself not trusting myself in other parts of my life I’m confused. Romantic relationships can be messy and emotional and to an extent I was ok with cutting that part of my emotional life off because I didn’t trust myself to make a good decision. I know I was needy and I need someone to prove to me that there was nothing wrong with me. That I wasn’t the one at fault for the cheating. That I was desirable and lovable and wanted. But I knew that I couldn’t put that on some other dude. That was never going to make that part of me ok. I had to heal that. And now I feel so grateful that I took that time because now I’m with an amazing guy who loves me more than I ever thought was possible. I gave him a chance because I was healed and I didn’t need him to love me or want me or make me happy. He just does and it is such an added perk to my life. But I digress. I need to learn to trust my gut and do what is best for me. I need to know that I have the intellect and abilities that I will be fine with the decisions I make. I have to be able to trust myself enough to know that I can make a decision and that I won’t always fail. And if I do happen to ‘fail’, if in my mind I made a mistake, I know that I have what it takes to make changes to pick myself back up and start over. I’m good at starting over. I know I can create the most beautiful life out of ashes. I have done it before and I can do it again. I’m strong like that. I can’t always believe I’m going to fail, that the worst will happen, that everything will fall apart. You know what? Sometimes it doesn’t. Actually most of the time it doesn’t, so why not embrace what could go right instead of what could go wrong? I need to be able to trust that I have done the right thing in my life and sometimes things will go my way. Sometimes you have to have faith in the universe that it will put you where you need to be and that things will work out. I forgot all about that. I was relying solely on myself and it was daunting. Sometimes timing, luck, karma, the universe, God, my guardian angel, will align and things will work out just like they should. After all the bad that has happened it makes it hard for me to believe that the good can also happen for me. It’s silly really. Life is all about that balance. Maybe it is time for that balance to be good for a while.

Finding my place in the world

I’ve been so afraid of the changes that are coming up in my life that it has stopped me from doing anything. I was paralyzed in fear and the worst part is I didn’t even fully realize it. I was hiding behind the comfort of my life and I didn’t want to move forward. It will be good but scary at the same time. I mean I’m looking at changing so much of my life and that is scary. Especially for someone who feels she needs to be in control of every aspect of her life. The thing is I really like my life as it is now. I mean yes I will really enjoy not working and doing my internship and actually having free time. But I like things as they are now and I just wonder how all these changes will affect things. I really like living where I live (while it has very apparent draw backs…like running into people I really would rather never see again). I’m comfortable here, I know where things are, I know what I like to do, I like the routine of it all. I’m so scared what these changes mean for the BF and me. I love him to pieces and the way our relationship is now. What happens when we move? Will he really move where ever I go? What about his dog and my poor kitty? What is going to happen with them? Are they going to get along when we live together? What if he doesn’t like the town where I get a job? What if I don’t like the job I get? Or the place we live? What if it drives us apart? What if he can’t find a job he likes there? What if it is really far from my family and how will I juggle that? What if, what if, what if… Those are some of the thoughts roaming around in my head. They had me so scared to even start applying for jobs; I didn’t even know where to start. So in my attempts to stop the worrying and anxiety this week, I set a goal of applying for 5 jobs this week. I have done that so that has definitely helped relieve some of the pressure. I decided I was just going to have to start applying where there was a job that sounded interesting to me, that I seemed to meet the qualifications for and to widen what I was looking for. I’m hopeful today and that is good. It’s a nice feeling. I feel more motivated than I have in while and it feels so nice. I guess I decided to not let all that stuff hold me back anymore. Life is all about the unknown. You have to be able to move forward and not just be stuck in the place you are. Each day brings you closer to where you want to be and closer to death, so you can’t waste it. I don’t want to waste my time here. If the BF and I don’t work out, sure I’ll be crushed but I’ll survive. I have picked up my pieces before and I can do that again. Of course nothing about how he is or how we are makes me feel like that is a real option but there is that self doubt in me that says he is a boy and he will leave. Sigh. If I don’t like my job at least I’ll have the experience and I can keep looking for something I will like. I have to start somewhere and I made that tiny step in the right direction. The point is all those things that I worry about may or may not happen. I can’t let the ‘what ifs’ hold me in a place that keeps me from moving my life forward. I only got the one and damn it I’m not wasting it. So I’m trying the best I can for the type A, control wanting heart of mine to embrace the unknown. To calm down and let life happen. To guide it in a way I can be proud of but also in a way that I can watch it unfold. Just another part of my anxiety ridding puzzle.

New revelation

I have been researching how to get my worrying under control which led me to a word that kept coming up and I never thought as a description for me…Anxiety. I mean it makes sense but I never thought of it that way and now a lot of my feelings and how I deal with them makes so much more sense. I found an article that is supposed to help you deal with the anxiety and constant worry and I think it might help. One of the things I have been focusing on is writing down my worries that way they aren’t just floating around in my head and popping up over and over again. If I had a concrete list that would make it visible what I’m so worried about and help me to figure out where that worry is coming from. You know, the real root cause of it. Also this helps me to figure out how to deal with it. Is there an actual solution to stop the worry or am I just worrying about something that may or may not ever happen. Like worrying about finding a job…easy start applying for jobs Rather than worrying about the BF leaving me because I’m not good enough…that kind of crap just can’t fly. He’s given me no reason to think this and is actually rather amazing and really in love with me. Note to self – don’t mess that up! You see there is the worry that I can do something about and the worry that is just not constructive. The worry I can find solutions for and the worry I have to challenge myself on. It’s been good to start that list. It’s been cleansing and I feel a weight start to lift. Even if that is temporary, it feels good. The thing is I have been running from the things that make me feel better, the things that make everything clear. I hadn’t been working out because of an injury and that is when I sort so many things out. I hadn’t been writing because I was scared to unearth the whys of what I was going through. I’ve been scared of facing the music and I stayed hidden behind the excuses and the rationalizations. Maybe I needed that break from myself. I’m not going to beat myself up over it but I’m back now. I’m ready to deal. I’m ready to move on and be a happier person. I know that so much of me is a bundle of nervous energy. Worrying about others, worrying about how I impact the people around me, trying to be the best person I can be and not allowing for mistakes, being everything I think I should be and at the same time not really knowing who that is. I want to embrace my work in progress, I want to embrace the fact that not everything is in my control and in the end it will all be ok. I want to slow down, I want to enjoy this time in my life. I know I’m scared, that is a part of who I have been most of my life. But you can be scared and still make changes in your life. Change can be good, pushing out of your comfort zone is good. It can all be good. And sometimes it can be bad but you know what, I survived bad before and I’ll do it again. I have a survivor in me and if anything she has grown stronger. She will carry me through the rough times that will happen, that’s life and inevitable. But my worry will not keep it from coming. My worry will only make myself miserable and I’m tried of being my own worst enemy. So worry, know your days are limited. Your residency in my brain is going to be short lived. I will not worry my life away any more. I will get my shit together and focus my energy constructively. You only have this one life to live, why not live it the way you want. The way that makes you happy. The way that you will be proud of in the end. Part of that for me is stopping the anxiety and breathing deeply. It’s on my radar now, and when you get on my radar I go after you. Hard. Be prepared.

Worry, worry, worry

I’ve been thinking lately about how high strung I am. I worry about everything and while I know I could be worse, I could be a lot better about it. I’ve really tried to be more laid back but it’s hard to change the core of who you are. I mean I didn’t used to be so high strung but I’ve always been cautious and responsible and the voice of reason. I mean I’ve done things I shouldn’t in my life but I’m usually a responsible person. Not that that is all bad but worrying and over thinking for the sake of worrying and over thinking is craziness and I’m going to give myself an ulcer. It helps that the boyfriend is laid back and can remind me when I start on my tailspin. We were going to visit my brother this Saturday and he invited us to go out with him and his girlfriend which is great but I had made other plans. Trying to be everything to everyone (which is another of my flaws) I start trying to figure it all out, getting frustrated because I don’t have all the information (like where, when, what exactly he had in mind) and my mind starts to spin. I try and voice my tail spin but it only comes out in short, cut off sentences. “But what are we suppose…” I trail off “What am I supposed to tell…” “Why doesn’t he…” My mind is racing. The BF then says “I don’t see why you are getting all upset about this”. I’ve heard this before. From my best friend (who is by all accounts my therapist) and I stop what I’m saying. It’s still going on in my mind but obviously verbalizing it is only making him uncomfortable and why do that. I continue to drive, I hear the thoughts in my head, I try to breath and focus and I drive. After a while he notices my silence (probably because of my crazy non-sentences that had been rattled off before) and grabs my hand. “What’s wrong” he asks. “Nothing”. “What’s wrong, tell me” “Nothing, I love you” "I love you too, what is wrong?" He looks at me and I remember what is really important and that this unnecessary worry will sort itself out. I hear how silly I am being and how I don't even want to explain how the crazy train (my brain) is going. He has a way with me like that though. He calms me, centers me, makes me see what is important and what isn’t. He’s great like that. So I have been thinking a lot about that. How wound up I get, how silly it is to waste my energy that way, and how I can stop. I know it is going to be difficult but I know I can do whatever I put my mind to. Plus I have this wonderful reminder constantly telling me to calm down and breath. He is a beautiful reminder. So any suggestions on how to stop a tailspin? Go to my happy place and think of puppies and kittens? I need help because I’ve felt so crazy overwhelmed with all the things going on in my life and over thinking them to death. I’m finishing my internship in the next month and a half, I’m looking for jobs, I have a sick kitty, I’m trying to spread my time with people that matter most and I feel pulled in a million directions (welcome to the real world, right?). So any suggestions would be great. Maybe I should take up meditation or try to get back into yoga (as my wrist allows). Or maybe take up Tae Bo again and get some of that energy out that way. This is my life and I don’t want to worry it away...