I'm not gonna look back

So now that I’m officially divorced I have to say it feels amazing! I cannot wait until my name is changed back everywhere so I don’t even have to acknowledge that I was ever married at all and can forget that any of that even happened. Some people might disagree with my stance on that but I will take my lessons and move the f on. And not that I need to defend why I feel this way but I don’t want the divorce or his cheating defining who I am. And while I will keep the lessons, I would rather not hash and rehash over feelings I have already processed. I would rather not go into it for the millionth time and I’m going to try really hard to just move on from it and leave it in the past where it belongs. I would rather not be reminded of the failure of the marriage and the feelings I have over being a ‘failure’. And I guess most of all I don’t want to be tied to him in any capacity. I don’t want him to be my anything, even my ex-husband. What he did to me, he doesn’t deserve to be tied to me in any way ever again. There is no room in my life for someone who is so intentionally cruel to someone he used to care about. He doesn’t deserve any part of my life and I guess this is me taking back the last 10 years of my life I wasted with him. Maybe it is the anger talking and maybe some day I will be above wishing nothing but horrible awful things, but that day isn’t today. And until that day comes I will work on letting go of that anger so it doesn’t eat me alive. I think I have said this before but I don’t know that I will ever forgive him for what he did because he doesn’t deserve that. But I hope some day I can let go all of the pain and anger he caused me. I want it out of me and I know that I have already come so far in this process that it is really only a matter of time until I make it past this hurdle too.

Now that it is officially over there is nothing left tying me to him. I’m free and happy and so much better off. And damn it I’m gonna celebrate that! I love the life I have now. It is so much better then the life I had with him and if only I had known I would have left a long time ago. I will never settle for someone who treats me like he did. But now I know and as GI Joe would say…knowing is half the battle.