Deep thoughts for a Monday

The last few months I have been feeling rather lost, like I was searching and searching for myself and I could not find her anywhere. I remembered the glimmer of who I was and what I wanted to be but could not seem to find her anywhere. Where the hell did she go? The more I searched, the more lost I felt. I could not seem to grasp why I was so unhappy and why I felt so lost. It seemed to sudden and was so confusing. I fell into that trap…the ‘once (fill in the blank) happens then I’ll be happy’ trap and it’s a bitch to get out of. Mine was… ‘Once I graduate’ ‘Find a job’ ‘Move away’ ‘Hit my goal weight’…just to name a few. I wasn’t focused on the here, the now. I wasn’t focused on what made me happy with my life as it was. I was always looking to the future and when I got to a certain place and then I’d finally be happy. After graduation, I found myself severely let down and here I was waiting for my life to start. Waiting for (fill in the blank) to happen. And I was beyond annoyed with myself. I suppose that is what happens when you’re purposeful in your life. When you take the time to figure out where you are going, where you want to be and when you want your life to go fantastic places. At least I had figured out a long time ago that waiting on someone else to make you happy was the quickest way to be miserable. I knew that I had to be happy with myself to be happy with anyone else and I’m thankful I learned that lesson because I don’t think I could be as happy as I am now in my current relationship. That and he is totally awesome…that sure helps :) Anyway, I digress. I think you also have to realize that you have to be happy where you are right now in your life and when the other stuff finally happens you can be happy there too. It makes sense now that I realized it. At the time though it was a downward spiral I had no way out of. Its part of appreciating what you have and not always looking to the things you want. I mean it’s good to have goals and to work toward something but that can’t be the only key to your happiness either. One other important part I’m starting to realize is you can’t compare your journey with anyone else’s. You have to be willing to love your life how it is, not how you think it should be. On the outside maybe people would not define my life as a success up until this point because I’m 31, just graduated from school, looking to start over in a career, being divorce, renting an apartment and still finding my way. It starts to mess with your head when you see your peers at different points in their lives. But the truth is I’m just as happy in my life and maybe even more then some of my friends are that own their houses, have careers and are married with babies. Those are not the only markers to success. A lot of times you are made to believe that but it is not true. I’m brave enough to start over when I found my life miserable. I love myself enough to want to be happy and grow in a positive direction. I have a life that I am proud of and I will continue to be proud with whatever steps I take to make my life all I know it can be. I won’t be afraid because of what others think or be discouraged by what they say. This is my life and I decide what makes me happy. So the moral of this story is this is YOUR life and your story. Not anyone else's. You have to live your life for you and do what you know will make you happy. You have to appreciate what you have while you have it. Grow and change and become the person you want to be but don’t lose sight of what is in your life right now and the parts of you that will always remain. You are not a failure if you keep trying. And it’s never too late to start over again. Don’t be afraid to do what it takes to reach your goals and dreams. You can’t be too afraid to try because you’ll always regret it. Be a person the child version of you would be proud of. We are all works in progress but that is the most important, that you are progressing. No one wants to stand still. If in 10 years you are at the same point in your life you’d be so pissed. I know I would. Don’t compare your life to someone else's. So go do all those things you were too afraid to do. You only have today, this moment, so make it count.

More randomness, inspired by another random blog

I just wrote on my other blog on Sparkpeople a blog with a title "Randomness, because I'm feeling random".
Which got me thinking about something entirely different.
I do feel random lately.
Like my mind is always going a million miles a minute, trying to make sure I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing and being all the places I need to be. I feel like I'm pulled into all kinds of directions and that sometimes I don't know which end it up. All my roles in life have me in so many different directions...but I love it. I may not be a wife or even a girlfriend but I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a Godmother, a student, and a friend (just to name a few). I'm doing the things I love, like spending time with my nieces and nephews, run, Zumba, or hang out with my friends. I do the things I'm supposed to do like homework and my service learning project. I don't have much free time to watch TV or relax much but I'm doing all the important things in life and enjoying it. Even when I'm stressed and wanna pull my hair out :)
I guess my point to all this is my life is full. I'm lucky to have the things I do and the people in my life I do. I have chosen to spend my precious time with people who are amazing and have my best interest at heart. I do the things I love and even the stuff I don't love (homework!) I get an enjoyment out of doing a good job and being the best person I can be. Just because I'm quickly approaching 30 and am divorced with no new boyfriend, that doesn't mean that my life is less than or not full or that my life is sad. I have moments and some emotions to deal with but over all my life is amazing. I focus on the good and positive and let the rest heal in the time it needs to heal in. One day I will be all healed up and maybe even in a relationship again but for now I'm completely content being me and all my other randomness.

I'm not gonna look back

So now that I’m officially divorced I have to say it feels amazing! I cannot wait until my name is changed back everywhere so I don’t even have to acknowledge that I was ever married at all and can forget that any of that even happened. Some people might disagree with my stance on that but I will take my lessons and move the f on. And not that I need to defend why I feel this way but I don’t want the divorce or his cheating defining who I am. And while I will keep the lessons, I would rather not hash and rehash over feelings I have already processed. I would rather not go into it for the millionth time and I’m going to try really hard to just move on from it and leave it in the past where it belongs. I would rather not be reminded of the failure of the marriage and the feelings I have over being a ‘failure’. And I guess most of all I don’t want to be tied to him in any capacity. I don’t want him to be my anything, even my ex-husband. What he did to me, he doesn’t deserve to be tied to me in any way ever again. There is no room in my life for someone who is so intentionally cruel to someone he used to care about. He doesn’t deserve any part of my life and I guess this is me taking back the last 10 years of my life I wasted with him. Maybe it is the anger talking and maybe some day I will be above wishing nothing but horrible awful things, but that day isn’t today. And until that day comes I will work on letting go of that anger so it doesn’t eat me alive. I think I have said this before but I don’t know that I will ever forgive him for what he did because he doesn’t deserve that. But I hope some day I can let go all of the pain and anger he caused me. I want it out of me and I know that I have already come so far in this process that it is really only a matter of time until I make it past this hurdle too.

Now that it is officially over there is nothing left tying me to him. I’m free and happy and so much better off. And damn it I’m gonna celebrate that! I love the life I have now. It is so much better then the life I had with him and if only I had known I would have left a long time ago. I will never settle for someone who treats me like he did. But now I know and as GI Joe would say…knowing is half the battle.