I have been reminded multiple times in the last few days that things could always be worse. I mean I know no body is telling me to suck it up and get over it and it isn’t that bad. I’m telling myself that but everyone around me has been so supportive and great. And while I have felt at times it was far too much for one small girl to handle at one time somehow you make it through it. You keep putting on foot in front of the other and you keep on going. No matter if the world is telling you otherwise. There were times that I truly took it second by second and I made it through. Keep breathing and keep going.
It’s been brought to my attention people I know and don’t know, that are dealing with far more and worse then I am. It makes me feel sad for them because I get a portion of how they feel and what they are going through but theirs’ is multiplied so much. It makes me feel bad for how I complained because if the face of their personal tragedies mine seem so much smaller. Big to me, but in the grand scheme of things so small. And as emotionally devastating the divorce has been and as hard as it has been to see my dad struggle, I am still alive, my dad is still alive, I have a roof over my head, school to keep me busy, a job to pay my bills and people still around that love me. No matter how much I struggle inside those things are still true. It doesn’t matter the people who don’t love me or the friends I have lost because of it. It doesn’t matter that I am no longer in a marriage that was always one sided. That my life hasn’t turned out like I thought it would. None of that isn’t important and doesn’t matter.
It’s all about perspective. I could give up and I doubt anyone would blame me. I could become a shell of a person, certain no one will ever love me again. I could completely shut down and shut everyone out. I can play this pity party and woe is me forever if I want to but that isn’t me. I’ve had shit happen to me, but we all have. What matters is how you deal with it and how you move on with your life in the wake of those personal tragedies. I will not let what has happened around me determine my worth. I decide that, not anyone else.
I really have realized that I do not want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me and in spite of the heartache that I really am better off this way. I don’t want to make someone want to be with me, I don’t want to be the only one fighting for a life together. If he can’t see how great and special I am, that isn’t something I want to live with for the rest of my life. I have learned so much of what I don’t want and if there is someone in the future for me, what I do want. I have hope for the future but I would be lying if I weren’t a bit hesitant at the same time. I know there are good guys out there (by brother and brother-in-law prove that) but I don’t know that there is one out there for me. I am sure the longer away from this mess I get and the more people I meet, this will change but for now I am a bit skeptical on all that.
For the next year I am going to focus on me and making my life as full, happy and healthy as I can. I have so much to be thankful for and so many things I have done this past year, I can’t look back on it with all sadness. I ran a half marathon for heaven’s sake, it wasn’t all bad. My niece was born. I saw so many of my friends get married and start their (hopefully) happily ever after’s. I started back at school. The lows may have been really low, but the highs have been really great too.
I guess what I took from it all was how do you look at the situation you are in? Do you look and dwell on the negative? Do you try and find the positive, even when there isn’t much to be found? Do you see your future as bright and cheery or is it all doom and gloom? I know that the next year will be hard too. The divorce will be finalized and I will be able to move on with my life and put it all behind me. I know there will no doubt be other heartaches and pains as well. But the one thing I know for sure is I will be ok. I am far too strong to let things like that destroy me. Nope, not gonna happen.
