Welcome to my blog!

I am Buffy, I live in Iowa with my kitty cat Meowshine and stay rather busy trying to be healthy, eating right, working out, working my full-time job and running my own custom jewelry business on the side. Thanks for coming along for the ride :)

Wednesday, December 12, 2012


Ok this underlying yuckiness has got to get the hell out. I have so much to be happy about yet I have this little voice in my head making me feel down and it has to stop. Today, I’m telling that bitch to GTFO I’m sorry but I can’t have her constantly telling me that I shouldn’t be proud, that I suck, that I’m gonna mess everything up, that I’m not good enough. Just because she is afraid of succeeding, doesn’t mean I am. Just because she hates taking risks and tries to tell me I shouldn’t risk anything either, that doesn’t mean I’m gonna listen. Doesn’t she know I stopped listening to her a long time ago? Doesn’t she know how strong I am and I do what I want? Doesn’t she know that she has no power over me? Stupid bitch. The thing is she doesn’t care about any of that. She is a relentless whore who just keeps trying to chip away at my confidence. I used to let her get the best of me but I don’t any more. She just caught me at a weak moment so she almost slipped back in but I’m too tough for that crap. See what I’m saying, she’s dumb. Like I said, I have so much to be happy about. I’m graduating with my bachelor’s degree, I’m interviewing for jobs (had an interview with a job I really REALLY want yesterday), my one year anniversary in Friday with the best boyfriend in the entire world, I’m getting ready to go on a super fun trip, and I just have the best people in my life. I can’t let her negative voice get my feeling anything but excited and happy about all of that. I guess it is all about rebuilding me and some times I slide back into a person I wasn’t proud to be. It’s all an ongoing process. So this is what I’m doing to shut her up… I’m going to focus on all the great things in my life, remind myself of what I have to be thankful for. I’m going to focus on the things I do have control over and fix the things I can. I’m going to do what I can with what I have and that’s it. I’m going to let myself feel happy and proud of what I have accomplished over these last two and a half years. I can’t focus on the bad that has happened and I won’t let that take away from what I did. What I did, all on my own, in spite of that crap. So here is to celebrating an awesome year. One that I can be proud of and that I got to see so many of my dreams come true. Hopefully in 2013 all kinds of good things will come!

Friday, November 2, 2012

Am I enough?

Things have been going well for me. Moving forward, getting things done, trying to put everything in their place. I’m trying to change things I have control over and let things go I don’t. Life is all about what you make of it, I’m trying to make it great. Maybe that is the perfectionist in me talking… So as I struggle with the anxiety and trying to come to peace with myself and where I am, I have thought a lot about how my past is still influencing my present. I mean it is a given to a certain extent. We are who we are because the past has led us here. All the parts that make up who we are, it was made from all the places, the people, the memories from our past. The past brings us to where we are now. But it doesn’t have to dictate the direction we go. It doesn’t have to tell us that if we failed in the past, we will fail again. We get to direct our sails in any direction we can and really it is up to us to decide. Humans are capable of change, believe it or not. I have hope in my heart that I can make things different for myself. Not so long ago I found myself in a dead marriage that I didn’t even realize had died. I was so consumed in my own stuff that I didn’t see what was going on around me. Truth is I didn’t care. I had been hurt by him so much and so often and I just didn’t care anymore. Not like I should have. I didn’t look at him the way a wife should look at her husband, I know that now. I didn’t think he was the best thing ever, the person I was meant to be with forever, my best friend. I didn’t think I deserved that so it didn’t faze me that he was none of those things. It’s so sad to me that I put myself in that situation and that it ended so badly. I realize how much of the fault is mine and how badly I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. At the very core of who I am, I’m terrified that A. is going to leave me. Not because of what he is or how he treats me or a gut feeling because of him. It is based solely on my past and my self esteem issues. I know that, I’m conscious of it but that doesn’t make me self sabotage any less. I can see myself doing it, I can see myself shutting down, it’s ugly and I don’t want to watch but I do it. It’s like I can’t stop myself. Like this hurt inner child runs this show and she’s gonna do whatever it takes to protect us. To protect my heart and make sure it doesn’t get blown up again. She’s kind of a drama queen like that. I love that little girl in me, I do but she has got to stop this. I don’t want to lose him because I can’t get out of my own way. The truth is I am crazy madly in love with A. He is everything I never knew I wanted in someone else. Every time I look at him I think he is the best thing ever. He is my favorite person in the whole world and I cannot get enough of him. He treats me better than I have ever been treated before. He makes me so incredibly happy. I catch myself smiling for no reason at all besides the fact that he loves me too. I know this kind of love doesn’t happen all the time and to get that person to feel the same about you really doesn’t happen often. I know I’m lucky, I know what I have is special, I know that I want to be with him forever and I love him with my whole heart. But there is this fear that in spite of all that, in spite of my best efforts, that it won’t be enough. Because I’m not enough. As the title on my blog tells you, I have always struggled with not feeling like I’m enough. It is one of those core values, core beliefs that I have carried with me since the beginning of time. It’s something I have the hardest time shaking. Even when I love myself and want an awesome life for myself. There is this small, nagging voice reminding me of that fact. It’s not a fact, I know that, I know what I am capable of. I know that I can do great things with my life and I know A. is just as lucky to have me as I am to have him. Sure I mess up but I also am giving this all I have. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe I don’t have it all to give to him. Maybe my heart was more critically broken then I thought. Maybe I don’t have it in me to truly love him with my whole heart. Maybe I just love him with all that is left of it. Maybe with his help, his love, his tenderness we can find the other pieces or fix it or transfuse some other pieces to make it whole again. Maybe we can do something together to make me whole again. Because for the first time in my life I have someone who I know backs me up 100%, who will always be there (as long as I let him) and will help me pick up whatever pieces are left. Because he believes in me and loves me that much. Trust me, I know how lucky I am. So here I am. Putting that negative sentiment out of me in hopes that if I give it a voice and hear how crazy I sound that I will be able to overcome the nagging voice I can’t seem to shut up. I’m hoping by saying what I’m afraid of that I can get it out of me and move on. I read somewhere that if a relationship does fail it’s going to hurt either way. If you put 100% in, if you trust them completely, if you love them like crazy at least then it stands a chance. If you half ass it, if you don’t give your partner the best of you, if you cut them down, there is no way it could last. I mean seriously, how could it? Me pushing A. away, not giving him a fair chance, not being open and myself, me shutting down and not communicating with him is not going to help us. If he leaves me because something I did it’s not going to hurt any less than if he left even when I gave him everything I had, when I gave my best effort, my everything. One just leaves me with way more regrets. So why not have no regrets. The hurt is still going to hurt. I have no control over what he is going to do all I know is I will never give up on what we have. And that has to be enough. I have to be enough. As I let my worrying and anxiety go, I have to know I don’t have control over what is going to happen in the future. All I can do is try my best, learn from my mistakes and hope for the best. I have found the one that my soul loves and I can’t give that anything less than all I’ve got. I don’t want to live with that kind of regret. I owe it to that little girl inside me to prove that voice wrong. I need to show her that we are loved and enough for someone to stay for a very long time. I won’t give up on us

Friday, October 26, 2012


I don’t trust myself. I’ve known this for a while but I don’t think I realized how far it reached and how many aspects of my life it affected. I mean it’s hard to trust yourself when you lead yourself willingly into a life that you should have realized much sooner was a mistake. That you can make yourself believe that a bad relationship is good enough, that you at some point didn’t care enough for yourself to make yourself happy. That you could wake each morning exhausted from the fight and still keep your self believing that this whole deal is ok. So it all makes sense to me that I wouldn’t trust myself when it comes to picking out another dude. But why it is so far reaching in so many aspects of my life? I’m understandably a little gun shy. When you’ve made a devastating mistake before, it makes you really scared to make another mistake and makes you really cautious in other aspects of your life. I mean yes you have survived something like that but you also know how terrible and debilitating that feels. It’s a place you don’t want to go back to, you want to avoid it at all costs and you do whatever you can to ensure your safety. It all makes sense to me. But when it comes to myself not trusting myself in other parts of my life I’m confused. Romantic relationships can be messy and emotional and to an extent I was ok with cutting that part of my emotional life off because I didn’t trust myself to make a good decision. I know I was needy and I need someone to prove to me that there was nothing wrong with me. That I wasn’t the one at fault for the cheating. That I was desirable and lovable and wanted. But I knew that I couldn’t put that on some other dude. That was never going to make that part of me ok. I had to heal that. And now I feel so grateful that I took that time because now I’m with an amazing guy who loves me more than I ever thought was possible. I gave him a chance because I was healed and I didn’t need him to love me or want me or make me happy. He just does and it is such an added perk to my life. But I digress. I need to learn to trust my gut and do what is best for me. I need to know that I have the intellect and abilities that I will be fine with the decisions I make. I have to be able to trust myself enough to know that I can make a decision and that I won’t always fail. And if I do happen to ‘fail’, if in my mind I made a mistake, I know that I have what it takes to make changes to pick myself back up and start over. I’m good at starting over. I know I can create the most beautiful life out of ashes. I have done it before and I can do it again. I’m strong like that. I can’t always believe I’m going to fail, that the worst will happen, that everything will fall apart. You know what? Sometimes it doesn’t. Actually most of the time it doesn’t, so why not embrace what could go right instead of what could go wrong? I need to be able to trust that I have done the right thing in my life and sometimes things will go my way. Sometimes you have to have faith in the universe that it will put you where you need to be and that things will work out. I forgot all about that. I was relying solely on myself and it was daunting. Sometimes timing, luck, karma, the universe, God, my guardian angel, will align and things will work out just like they should. After all the bad that has happened it makes it hard for me to believe that the good can also happen for me. It’s silly really. Life is all about that balance. Maybe it is time for that balance to be good for a while.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Finding my place in the world

I’ve been so afraid of the changes that are coming up in my life that it has stopped me from doing anything. I was paralyzed in fear and the worst part is I didn’t even fully realize it. I was hiding behind the comfort of my life and I didn’t want to move forward. It will be good but scary at the same time. I mean I’m looking at changing so much of my life and that is scary. Especially for someone who feels she needs to be in control of every aspect of her life. The thing is I really like my life as it is now. I mean yes I will really enjoy not working and doing my internship and actually having free time. But I like things as they are now and I just wonder how all these changes will affect things. I really like living where I live (while it has very apparent draw backs…like running into people I really would rather never see again). I’m comfortable here, I know where things are, I know what I like to do, I like the routine of it all. I’m so scared what these changes mean for the BF and me. I love him to pieces and the way our relationship is now. What happens when we move? Will he really move where ever I go? What about his dog and my poor kitty? What is going to happen with them? Are they going to get along when we live together? What if he doesn’t like the town where I get a job? What if I don’t like the job I get? Or the place we live? What if it drives us apart? What if he can’t find a job he likes there? What if it is really far from my family and how will I juggle that? What if, what if, what if… Those are some of the thoughts roaming around in my head. They had me so scared to even start applying for jobs; I didn’t even know where to start. So in my attempts to stop the worrying and anxiety this week, I set a goal of applying for 5 jobs this week. I have done that so that has definitely helped relieve some of the pressure. I decided I was just going to have to start applying where there was a job that sounded interesting to me, that I seemed to meet the qualifications for and to widen what I was looking for. I’m hopeful today and that is good. It’s a nice feeling. I feel more motivated than I have in while and it feels so nice. I guess I decided to not let all that stuff hold me back anymore. Life is all about the unknown. You have to be able to move forward and not just be stuck in the place you are. Each day brings you closer to where you want to be and closer to death, so you can’t waste it. I don’t want to waste my time here. If the BF and I don’t work out, sure I’ll be crushed but I’ll survive. I have picked up my pieces before and I can do that again. Of course nothing about how he is or how we are makes me feel like that is a real option but there is that self doubt in me that says he is a boy and he will leave. Sigh. If I don’t like my job at least I’ll have the experience and I can keep looking for something I will like. I have to start somewhere and I made that tiny step in the right direction. The point is all those things that I worry about may or may not happen. I can’t let the ‘what ifs’ hold me in a place that keeps me from moving my life forward. I only got the one and damn it I’m not wasting it. So I’m trying the best I can for the type A, control wanting heart of mine to embrace the unknown. To calm down and let life happen. To guide it in a way I can be proud of but also in a way that I can watch it unfold. Just another part of my anxiety ridding puzzle.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

New revelation

I have been researching how to get my worrying under control which led me to a word that kept coming up and I never thought as a description for me…Anxiety. I mean it makes sense but I never thought of it that way and now a lot of my feelings and how I deal with them makes so much more sense. I found an article that is supposed to help you deal with the anxiety and constant worry and I think it might help. One of the things I have been focusing on is writing down my worries that way they aren’t just floating around in my head and popping up over and over again. If I had a concrete list that would make it visible what I’m so worried about and help me to figure out where that worry is coming from. You know, the real root cause of it. Also this helps me to figure out how to deal with it. Is there an actual solution to stop the worry or am I just worrying about something that may or may not ever happen. Like worrying about finding a job…easy start applying for jobs Rather than worrying about the BF leaving me because I’m not good enough…that kind of crap just can’t fly. He’s given me no reason to think this and is actually rather amazing and really in love with me. Note to self – don’t mess that up! You see there is the worry that I can do something about and the worry that is just not constructive. The worry I can find solutions for and the worry I have to challenge myself on. It’s been good to start that list. It’s been cleansing and I feel a weight start to lift. Even if that is temporary, it feels good. The thing is I have been running from the things that make me feel better, the things that make everything clear. I hadn’t been working out because of an injury and that is when I sort so many things out. I hadn’t been writing because I was scared to unearth the whys of what I was going through. I’ve been scared of facing the music and I stayed hidden behind the excuses and the rationalizations. Maybe I needed that break from myself. I’m not going to beat myself up over it but I’m back now. I’m ready to deal. I’m ready to move on and be a happier person. I know that so much of me is a bundle of nervous energy. Worrying about others, worrying about how I impact the people around me, trying to be the best person I can be and not allowing for mistakes, being everything I think I should be and at the same time not really knowing who that is. I want to embrace my work in progress, I want to embrace the fact that not everything is in my control and in the end it will all be ok. I want to slow down, I want to enjoy this time in my life. I know I’m scared, that is a part of who I have been most of my life. But you can be scared and still make changes in your life. Change can be good, pushing out of your comfort zone is good. It can all be good. And sometimes it can be bad but you know what, I survived bad before and I’ll do it again. I have a survivor in me and if anything she has grown stronger. She will carry me through the rough times that will happen, that’s life and inevitable. But my worry will not keep it from coming. My worry will only make myself miserable and I’m tried of being my own worst enemy. So worry, know your days are limited. Your residency in my brain is going to be short lived. I will not worry my life away any more. I will get my shit together and focus my energy constructively. You only have this one life to live, why not live it the way you want. The way that makes you happy. The way that you will be proud of in the end. Part of that for me is stopping the anxiety and breathing deeply. It’s on my radar now, and when you get on my radar I go after you. Hard. Be prepared.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Worry, worry, worry

I’ve been thinking lately about how high strung I am. I worry about everything and while I know I could be worse, I could be a lot better about it. I’ve really tried to be more laid back but it’s hard to change the core of who you are. I mean I didn’t used to be so high strung but I’ve always been cautious and responsible and the voice of reason. I mean I’ve done things I shouldn’t in my life but I’m usually a responsible person. Not that that is all bad but worrying and over thinking for the sake of worrying and over thinking is craziness and I’m going to give myself an ulcer. It helps that the boyfriend is laid back and can remind me when I start on my tailspin. We were going to visit my brother this Saturday and he invited us to go out with him and his girlfriend which is great but I had made other plans. Trying to be everything to everyone (which is another of my flaws) I start trying to figure it all out, getting frustrated because I don’t have all the information (like where, when, what exactly he had in mind) and my mind starts to spin. I try and voice my tail spin but it only comes out in short, cut off sentences. “But what are we suppose…” I trail off “What am I supposed to tell…” “Why doesn’t he…” My mind is racing. The BF then says “I don’t see why you are getting all upset about this”. I’ve heard this before. From my best friend (who is by all accounts my therapist) and I stop what I’m saying. It’s still going on in my mind but obviously verbalizing it is only making him uncomfortable and why do that. I continue to drive, I hear the thoughts in my head, I try to breath and focus and I drive. After a while he notices my silence (probably because of my crazy non-sentences that had been rattled off before) and grabs my hand. “What’s wrong” he asks. “Nothing”. “What’s wrong, tell me” “Nothing, I love you” "I love you too, what is wrong?" He looks at me and I remember what is really important and that this unnecessary worry will sort itself out. I hear how silly I am being and how I don't even want to explain how the crazy train (my brain) is going. He has a way with me like that though. He calms me, centers me, makes me see what is important and what isn’t. He’s great like that. So I have been thinking a lot about that. How wound up I get, how silly it is to waste my energy that way, and how I can stop. I know it is going to be difficult but I know I can do whatever I put my mind to. Plus I have this wonderful reminder constantly telling me to calm down and breath. He is a beautiful reminder. So any suggestions on how to stop a tailspin? Go to my happy place and think of puppies and kittens? I need help because I’ve felt so crazy overwhelmed with all the things going on in my life and over thinking them to death. I’m finishing my internship in the next month and a half, I’m looking for jobs, I have a sick kitty, I’m trying to spread my time with people that matter most and I feel pulled in a million directions (welcome to the real world, right?). So any suggestions would be great. Maybe I should take up meditation or try to get back into yoga (as my wrist allows). Or maybe take up Tae Bo again and get some of that energy out that way. This is my life and I don’t want to worry it away...

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Thoughts on remarriage

I try not to double blog but this one really applies for this blog but I also posted to my SP blog... I have to tell you when I see or hear about a fellow divorcee being happy, I’m extra thrilled for them. Especially when it comes to having a successful subsequent relationship after a divorce. I can only speak to my own experience but I have to think they have had to face similar obstacles which makes their happiness extra special to me. You’re made to feel like you are a failure, you messed up, you got your chance at happily ever after and you blew it. You obviously can’t be married otherwise you still would be. You’re made to feel like you are less than, flawed in some way because you were part of a marriage that failed. I guess it’s something about making that promise of forever, the signing of that legal contract and having it fail despite your best efforts, that makes it worse than if a long term relationship breaks up. Often times you feel like there isn’t life after divorce, divorce is rock bottom, you rarely think of the life you might have afterward. It’s certainly not something you look forward to. For me it was never something I wanted or ever thought I would go through. It was never an option I really ever considered and it was forced upon me regardless of how I felt on the matter. He cheated and he didn’t want me anymore. Decision made, apparently that easily. And regardless of the how’s or why’s, you are still judged for that one fact. People hear you’re divorced and all kinds of negative things swarm through their minds. It is negative and I’m not necessarily an advocate for it but sometimes it happens in spite of what you wanted or how hard you tried. But the aftermath does not have to devastate you forever. You can be happy after a divorce and thrive in spite of it. Divorce doesn’t have to be something that defines you or defines who you are in any relationship that happens in the future. You messed up but that isn’t the end of the story. Unless you make it so, it doesn’t rule out a happily ever after in your future. When I see the divorcee happy and living life and doing what they always wanted to do, it makes me proud of them for taking something that is such an isolating and lonely experience and learning from it, finding a beautiful life after all that. Instead of dwelling on the ugliness they come out the other side maybe a little scarred but better than before. I found out the other day that one of my friends (that was finalizing her divorce as I was starting mine) is engaged. I knew she had a serious boyfriend that she lived with and was really happy with him. We had conversations about it, how she wanted the same for me, that I too would find someone who would make my whole world change and I could be happy in a relationship too. Back then I was perfectly content being alone and happy but then I thought about it and what if there was someone out there that I could be happy in a relationship too. I wondered what that could be like for me. She gave me hope for something I never really could acknowledge that I wanted. And now that I find myself 8 months into a relationship with someone who seems so oddly perfect for me and makes me happier than I ever imagined someone else could make me, I realize that I was defining relationships on what I had before, not what I deserved or what was possible. I see now that not all guys are the same, that there are ones out there that will show you how much you mean to them, make your life better, make you happy and maybe, just maybe, won’t break your heart. I was just beyond excited for her that she found her happily ever after and I know part of that has to do with the fact that she’s been through hell too. I know the heartache divorce imparts on the individual. And how at the time that pain feels so permanent. You wonder how you can ever come back and feel normal again. And to be happy? It seems almost out of the question. No matter how amicable the divorce may be there still are scars and feelings of inadequacy left behind. And if the divorce isn’t amicable (like mine) the wounds can be so much deeper and so much more debilitating. So for me to have that person who endured so much, who came out the other side of something so life-changing, and is happy and smiling. It just makes me really happy for them finally getting what they deserve. They took their life in their hands and they found a path that led them to where they belong. I still don’t know where my life will take me and if I’ll end up marrying the boyfriend but I’m hopeful that I can have a successful relationship, that maybe I have found someone who thinks I’m worth fighting for and wants this as much as I do. Which is completely crazy to even think of. I know it’s fairly new, I know a lot could happen, but I’m so happy with him, where I’m at, and it’s become easy for me to think of forever with him. And I’ve come really far to be able to say that. My divorce was not a good experience. It’s not something you ever hope for as a married person and it’s not something you want for your marriage. But I know that the fact that I was divorced does not doom me forever. It doesn’t mean I can’t be happily married some day. It doesn’t make me less than and to have someone who sees me as something so wonderful and so beautiful is beyond words. It’s sad to me that I wasted so much of my life with someone who thought so little of me when someone this amazing was out there waiting for me. It almost makes the struggle worth it.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

I'm just winging it

Has it really been since May that I have checked in here? I suppose it has been a busy summer between work, my internship and spending time with friends and family. So please forgive me. One of my goals was to blog more and that just has not happened. Obviously. I have spent the better part of the summer in a weird emotional funk and have slowly been coming out of it. I think a lot of my emotions have been involved in this new relationship and trying to figure out where my life is going and how the new BF will fit into that. It’s been a lot of figuring out who is really there for me and making places in my life for people who actually have my best interest at heart. At 30, I thought I’d have these lessons learned by now but I suppose learning is a life long endeavor. I’m crazy in love with the new BF and have never felt this way before about anyone in my life and that is wonderful. It’s so amazing to feel so head over heels with such an awesome person and to have those feelings reciprocated. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. But even though I was in a long term relationship and married, I struggle with the fact I have no idea what it means to be a partner in a good, healthy relationship. I find myself feeling so insecure in what I’m doing and falling back on old patterns that I know are nothing but destructive and hurtful. I’m conscious of it so that has got to help but it’s annoying. The new BF is amazingly patient and sweet with me so I know things will turn out well but it doesn’t help that I’m always second guessing myself. Always questioning myself and not trusting myself to make the right/healthy decision. I’ve started to focus more on the positives I bring into a relationship, focus on what is going on between us (not on how I read into things based on my past) and just hope for the best. I suppose there is a lot in life like that. Things you actually don’t have any idea of what you are doing but stumbling your way through. We are all doing that to one extent or the other in a lot of areas of our lives. Trying different things out and hoping for the best outcome. In December I’ll graduate from school and then who knows where my life will take me. I hope where ever it is, he will be along with the ride. But regardless of how any of this turns out I know that I’m strong, lovable, and will make it through what ever life has to throw at me. Hopefully with a cute boy at my side :)

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Rebuilding and summer plans

Rebuilding your life is an interesting process. When it is in pieces around you, you have no idea how or what you can piece it back together to be. I think for me it was more about leaving those pieces alone and starting new. While for a while I wanted to pretend none of it even happened, I realize soon enough the need to deal with it and accept what happened but not let it define who I was or my future. I know there are times I still struggle, especially with the anger but I know I’m really far ahead of where I could be in the grand scheme of things. In one of my classes we learned about divorce and the impact on children, how it was best to handle it, that kind of thing and they said it takes two years to get used to all the changes divorce causes. My two years will be in September and I have to tell you every day, every month I love where my life is and where it is going. It’s really not that long ago but I feel like a totally different person. I have rebuilt myself and my life into something so different from who I was. It’s an amazing accomplishment if you think about it. From the rubble you come through and thrive. Not everyone can do that and get stuck in that really dark place. I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little nervous about this summer. Since the divorce started I’ve been in school. I did drop down to one class one semester but other then that I’ve been plugging away. It’s a little unnerving to think about all the time I’m going to have on my hands and all the things I can do. I’m hoping that I have dealt enough with all the stuff that I can just enjoy my summer with the new bf and everything will super great. I guess I shouldn’t really hope because I know I have done what I can and if anything comes up I will be able to deal with it. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t cross my mind though. One of the big things that has become glaringly clear to me is how much control I have in my life, even in uncontrollable situations. You have to be able to take what parts you can control and focus there. While I had no control over what was done to me, I had control over what part I played in it and what I did with the pieces after. I can be the victim or I can be my own hero. I prefer to be my own hero and make my story what I want it to be. I’m embarrassed that I spent so long in a place where I didn’t realize that, where I didn’t realize my own worth, where I stayed with someone like him and let him treat me the way he did. I’m embarrassed that he is my ex-husband as opposed to some dude I dated and when I figured out what a tool he was I let him go. But that is all in my past and I can’t change that. So you deal with the emotions as they arise and move on. The one emotion I have a hard time with is the anger. I’m so much happier without him and so much happier then I thought was possible with the new bf. But I’m angry about what he did to me. I’m angry at him for not seeing how amazing I was and all that I did do for him and not giving me enough respect to end things the way they deserved. I’m angry with myself for not seeing where this was going and ending it so much sooner. I’m angry that I made it ok for him to treat me the way he did and that I clung on to something that was so long gone or maybe that I never really had with him. I’m angry that he has done so many awful things to me and yet somehow karma has not kicked him in the nuts yet. I’m angry that I feel so angry toward him. I don’t want him to take up residence in my life or my mind at all. Having the anger seems like its keeping him in my life and I hate that. I wish awful things on him and the girl he cheated on me with and that really isn’t me. I’m a nice person, I try to be nice to everyone, I’m compassionate and kind. It’s not in my nature to hate or wish terrible things on someone. But I do on them. And I know how much of a waste of time it is. Can’t I just hope something terrible happens to them and I can never think of them again? How do I resolve the anger without forgiving or without saying it was ok? How do you get over the anger when they haven’t been punished for what they did? How do they get to destroy someone’s life and they get to be happy and ok? That just doesn’t seem fair. And maybe that is where it all lies. Life isn’t fair. I know that so well but yet we expect it to be. I guess we just have to do the best we can with what we have and hope that things turn out as we deserve. Sometimes it doesn’t but then sometimes it does. I think about the crazy amount of love I feel for the bf and I question why am I so lucky to have found that. But when I really think about the crap I’ve been through it seems almost more that maybe that is the universe throwing me a bone. Like “you have been so good for so long and got crapped on all along the way. We see how hard you are trying and here is something absolutely beautiful for your life”. Maybe it’s a reward for always trying to do the right thing, for always trying to be a good person. Finally things are going your way because you earned it, you deserve it. And maybe I need to stop questioning it. So this summer I have a lot of things I want to do and one of things I need to work through is my anger. I have to let it go and release all the ugliness that comes with it. I know that but when you have every right to feel that angry it’s hard to let it go. After all the suffering, it’s hard to just let it go. But I will. I’m determined and you see what happens when I set my mind to things. Beautiful things happen.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Thoughts about relationship demise

I’ve come across a few things in the last few weeks that I feel like I need to reflect on. So bare with me.

The first was from my friend while we went for a morning walk in Mexico. She prefaced it with, ‘I don’t want to offend you, or upset you or anything but my husband and I were talking and we were wondering why did he leave you for that? We just don’t understand the reasoning behind it’.
I struggled with that too, for a really long time and I don’t know if it became clear to me until the conversation that followed. The girl he cheated on me with is larger then I am. She is actually probably the size I was when we got married, my heaviest, my rock bottom as far as the weight thing goes. She was who I was before I decided I wanted more of my life, before I grew up. Of course he would find her appealing, he was looking for an immature idiot like himself and when I stopped being that I wasn’t appealing to him anymore. But we were married and we were stuck.
After we got married I realized I didn’t want to live my life standing still. I wanted more. I wanted to do all the things I dreamed of but was too afraid to act on. I changed and for him that wasn’t a good thing. I think the way I lived my life was hard for him. He liked being lazy, sitting around, doing nothing. One day I asked him what he wanted from his life to which he replied with, ‘I don’t know’. I asked do you just want to work, drink and brew beer and that’s it? He replied with yeah pretty much. I didn’t understand how he didn’t have dreams, how he didn’t want to make more of his life then just to merely exist. It was very apparent that we were two totally different people. He could not understand my yearning for more, my need to make my life something special, my want to help others. The empathetic, caring girl married a self-centered, heartless boy. How could that ever work?
The girl he cheated on me with was similar in aspects to the old me (minus the self respect, integrity and conscious not to sleep with a married person). She made it ok for him to be who he was. He could be lazy and fat and not want more of his life. That is what he wanted and I couldn’t be that girl. He didn’t want to feel bad about his life and how he lived it. I’m not saying excusing what he did in any way because I will never be ok with it. I know I deserved more then that and I deserved him being an adult and ending our marriage in a more deserving way. But I think that is asking too much for him. He is far too immature to have handled it in any way then how he did. None of this should have been a surprise but since I lied to myself for so long, it was. He was exactly who he showed me he was; it just took me forever to see it. And I think there is something to understanding the whys behind it for your own piece of mind and to put yourself as ease that maybe you won’t make the same mistake in the future.

Second…“People don’t cheat if they are happy”
My teacher said it in class about divorce and co-parenting.
At first the comment made me defensive. It reminded me about Dr. Laura and how she tries to blame the woman for men cheating on them. Again I will repeat I did not deserve to be cheated on. I did not deserve him throwing me away like he did. I deserved more then that.
But to understand what happened to me I have to admit to myself that he wasn’t happy with me. I can’t say that I’m totally responsible for his unhappiness because I did try to make him happy but as unhappy as I was I couldn’t really do that. In a relationship isn’t that the point, for both partners to be happy? I know I wasn’t perfect but no one could say I didn’t try. And he sure as hell wasn’t trying to make me happy anymore either but after a while I stopped trying with him too. The thing is I wasn’t the person for him just as much as he wasn’t the person for me. We were not going to be able to make each other happy because we both wanted two totally different things. You cannot make a square peg fit into a round hole no matter how hard you try. And you can’t make that square peg change no matter how well your intentions are, no matter how much better it would make that square peg’s life. You keep trying to jam that peg in and in time you will just be frustrated and eventually stop trying. You shut down, you give up but what if you are legally bound to the hole or the peg? It makes giving up hard and scary and makes you stay in a situation you would have walked away from a long time ago.

I’m mature enough to realize that we weren’t the right people for one another and that is how it should have ended. Not inflicting more pain on one another. Unfortunately he will probably never really understand that and not that that matters because the results of his actions are the same. He intentionally broke my heart because he could and the fall out was mine to deal with. It doesn’t matter to him (or to his girlfriend) that he destroyed another person because he is too heartless to think of someone else even if he promised me he would never hurt me like that. Promises to people like that are just another lie they spew to get what they want at the time. Genuine, honest people have a hard time understanding that mentality. Anyways the main thing I’m trying to say is that I knew I wasn’t happy and would be crazy to think he was. But I didn’t realize he was as unhappy as I was. I didn’t realize how unfixable we were. I was completely delusional thinking I could fix it, that somehow it wasn’t yet beyond repair. I didn’t want to give up on him and I thought I was the one that was most miserable. I was the only one voicing it anyways. Every opportunity he had to say something he never did. I was blindsided by the cheating because I was in denial about how unhappy WE were. I only saw how unhappy I was.

I learned about this in my attempts to catch up with my readings for another class before my test on Thursday. The basic concept is that there are multiple causes that get people to where they are, requiring the need to get help from others. People with the same issue don’t get there in the same way, for the same reasons; there are lots of causes ending in the same result, say divorce or alcoholism. It’s hard to pinpoint how or why people get to where they are because they vary and for one person there are multiple causes. I thought about that in the context of the divorce. The cheating was the last incident that completely broke us, but we were mostly shattered before that whether I wanted to admit it or not. And not admitting it didn’t make it any less real. I was trying to hold us together and not very well. There were probably a million reasons and all complicated. I think it is important to identify as many as you can so you can resolve them and move on. I think it’s important to take responsibility for your part in the damage so you can be better next time. I think that people often like to blame the other person for their part in the demise but both parties contribute. As my teacher said, maybe not 50/50, sometimes even 90/10, but both have a part in it. I know where my blame lies. I have reflected a lot about my role as wife and where I played into our faults. I see where my shutting down and side stepping problems caused larger unresolved cracks. I realize now how my poor self esteem held me back and kept me in the role he wanted, but one I despised. But that is who I was when we met so I can’t blame him for wanting what I once was. He liked that insecure little girl, he didn’t want a woman who was self confident and loved herself. I changed. For me it was for the better no doubt, but for our relationship it wasn’t. I wasn’t honest with myself about what I needed. When I figured it out and tried to talk to him about it, he tried to push me back into my old self. And I shut down. I didn’t want the conflict when I tried to ‘fix’ things and nothing got better. No matter how much I wanted things better between us it didn’t change the fact that we were on different paths that were not compatible. I was not his mother and it was not for me to decide what was best for his life. But I hard time seeing that. He’s an adult and was hell bent on dragging himself down and there was nothing I could do to stop that (no matter how well intended I was). He was going to drink himself into a stupor and made it very clear I had no control over him and what he did. I was a wife, not a mother. I was married to an immature idiot who liked to drink too much, but I chose to marry him. I did it to myself in a sense. The point is that we all make decisions in life and you have to take responsibility for your part in that decision. Not everything happens to us. We are active participants in our lives. Things to happen to us but we do have the control over how react to those things. There are a lot of reasons why we are who we are and just as many reasons as to why our relationships are the way they are. It’s the sum of what two people bring to the table and there are some reasons to why we act the way we do in those interactions. Good and bad.

Since I find myself in love with a new fella I can’t help but want to resolve as many of my issues from my past as I can. Because I want the best relationship I can muster, I don’t want to set us back before we have a chance to become something beautiful. We both deserve the best we can put into this. I guess I wanted to reflect on this stuff because it had been floating around in my head and I wanted to make sense of it all. I wanted to share in case someone else was wrestling around with the same issues. It took me a year and a half to come to some of these conclusions so maybe I can save someone some time. Thanks for sticking through to all this.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

YAY February!

Yay it’s my birthday month! While I’m slightly less enthused about this birthday (turning 30 and all) I love February and the birthday month! My family has lots of birthdays including my own and I love celebrating birthdays. It’s one of my favorite things in the world. I think everyone should get that one day to have the best time and celebrate that they are here and do whatever they want. While I’m still unsure about actually having a party myself I know I’ll make the day special.

I’m excited for being 30 in certain ways. I get to go to Mexico in March (so excited!!!!). I will finish classes and do my internship. I will graduate from Iowa State (again) and hopefully get a job that is fulfilling and I love (or at least like a lot). I’m sure there will be plenty of races scattered in there including my third half-marathon. There will be lots of fun times and I plan on enjoying them the best I can. All in all being 30 is most likely going to be awesome.

However there is definitely a part of me that is a bit despondent about turning 30. I am not where I thought I would be at 30. Granted back in the day I never had a clear picture of where my life was going to take me but this wasn’t it. As I was at the laundrymat last night doing laundry I couldn’t help but be angry. The place is scary and it’s so not a fun place for a girl to be by herself. I take homework so I can stay busy as I wait but it’s just not fun. I can’t help but think about how I was once a homeowner and why am I now doing laundry at a laundrymat? It’s some of those little things that you lose in a divorce that you don’t realize until later how that affects you. To feel so much like a grown up and in a totally different stage of your life then to go to a different stage in life yet you yourself haven’t really changed, it’s a strange feeling. To be 30, divorced, in school, and in the same life stage as a 22 year old kind of messes with your head. I’ve been 22 before, it wasn’t a place I necessarily wanted to go again.

But then I remember how much better this life is then what my life could have been had my life kept progressing in the way it was. Maybe this isn’t how I imagined 30 but I’m loving how it seems to be shaping up. I may never be the girl who is married and has babies but I might be and which ever way it turns out I’m ok with that. At this point I get to decide all that on my own terms and I know no matter where my life goes I will be happy. And that is one of the best feelings in the world to have. My life is moving in a forward motion and I’ll take that any day to standing still.

I may not have found my own path quite yet and I may still being getting used to this version of myself but I like her a lot. She knows what she wants, she’s not willing to settle for less, she is fearless and brave and strong. And when I really think about it, she is exactly who I wanted to be when I grew up.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Purging baggage?

I can’t help but think today of all days, when is appropriate to share the deep dark stuff you don’t want to tell your new partner. Today is a painful anniversary for me and I can’t help but wonder what/when you disclose those things. Let’s be honest that seems to always be a struggle for me. The new BF knows slightly about it but nothing too in depth and maybe that is enough. I’m sure like most other things you have to take the opportunity when it naturally arises but I also wonder when something like today rolls around, if that is an opportunity to disclose a bit more of some of those things. But how much is too much and how little is just enough? For someone who is an open book it is a struggle to find the balance. By nature I want to spill it all and let them take it and do with it what they will. But I realize that too much is not a good strategy either. What’s a girl (who wears her heart on her sleeve) to do?

We all have crap in our closet. Stuff we aren’t proud of, stuff we wished we could change, stuff that impacted us in dramatic way that we were never the same after, stuff we wished that hadn’t happened but did and now are a part of us. Does any of that past crap really matter now? Do you have to disclose all of that, some of that, just the parts that make you look good? I mean by nature it seems that is exactly what we want to do until we have them hooked, then you drop the bag of crazy on them. Oh wait, is that just me? But if you are going to be seriously with that other person, shouldn’t they know where you are coming from, what made you into the beautifully broken creature you are today? Shouldn’t they know the past that formed you into the person they just might fall in love with? Shouldn’t they know that before so they can make a knowledgeable decision about whether they want to be with you forever? I think I would want the same.

When you find yourself in a new relationship you are trying to portray yourself in the best light possible. You are this beautiful, perfect, amazing, easy going girl who is so much fun to be around and doesn’t have any baggage at all. You don’t have meltdowns, you don’t have bodily habits that you don’t want them to know about, you wear cute underwear all the time in case they might see them, you are as perfect of a version of yourself as you can get. Eventually though, that facade will crack and they will start seeing those not so perfect parts of you. Do I really need to help that along?

I’m very aware that I’m not perfect but I also know that I have some amazing qualities and I want to highlight those as much as possible. I don’t think that is deceitful or dishonest but I also know eventually he will see those not so perfect parts of me if he sticks around long enough. And that is probably where the real relationship begins in all honesty and I can’t make the inevitable not happen. I’m human after all. So that makes me think how much is too much and when is that too soon. If he isn’t going to be my one and only forever, does he need to know any of that stuff anyway? Maybe I need to wait until things progress into something more before I worry about any of this anyways. Could I be getting ahead of myself? That doesn’t sound like me at all *cough, cough*

For now I suppose all this is hypothetical because I don’t feel emotionally ready to disclose some of this deeply personal, painful stuff. Until the moment feels right I probably won’t even attempt to get into this crap and for now that is ok with me. Until then I can ponder if any of my past is really relevant in who I am today and if it even bares repeating. Plus I’m sure there will be plenty of time to let that stuff divulge over time. At least I hope so. It’s all about slowly unwrapping my brand of crazy as to not overwhelm the new dude :) Slow and steady, right?

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Label me not...

Being 29, divorced and dating definitely has its challenges. Apparently a 29 year old divorcee (who may never want to have kids or get married again) isn’t what most guys’ picture in their mind as their ideal soul mate. Especially when you are trying to date in a college town and main pool of single guys are 22 years old. A lot of people have negative connotations of divorced people and it seems the younger I am and the younger guys I want to date, the more of an issue it is. Not saying I want to bag me a 22 year old but even guys around my age are freaked out by it. The guy I dated this summer was a prime example (he was 29 too). When I have talked to older guys (like mid 30’s) they have seemed to be more ok with it because a lot of them are either divorced or more familiar with it from people they know. I understand it is that whole unknown thing that probably freaks them out but I think people tend to think that if you are divorced somehow you are a failure at relationships. And if you don’t take the time to get to know me and my situation, I suppose that is all you will ever see. But much like other bad circumstances that doesn’t define who I am.

I have heard from a few people that I’m damaged goods. They always say that they mean that in the nicest way. I suppose I don’t take a huge offense to it because I know that I’m not exactly all in one piece. But much like that antique piece of furniture that has chunks of wood missing, it built character and I will never apologize for what others have done to me (or even what I have inflicted myself). I know through all my trials I have grown so much and I think that growing makes me a catch. I’m not the one wallowing in self pity or looking for pity or stuck in the woe is me and what life dealt me. I’m strong and thrived and my life is so much better then it has ever been.

Thankfully the new dude doesn’t seem to feel this way. We talked a bit more about it and I asked if he has an issue with me being divorced. He said point blank no and he knows I’m not this bitter, scorned divorced woman. That is doesn’t define me or define what kind of girlfriend I will be to him (if he lets me). Sure I hate the ex still and wish nothing but awful things on him (apparently someday this will change) but I’m not holding on to the anger or letting what he did still have a huge affect on my life. That is the beauty of all the processing I did, I don’t have to carry that hurt with me. I might have flashbacks but I have control over those things where I can bring myself back to the present and know that this guy is not the ex and I cannot judge him by the same standards. It’s hard for sure, but so worth it. And the fact that I’m ‘damaged’ doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Sure, I might be tender and a little jumpy but I’m perfectly fine. I think you have to view your damage differently if you don’t want it to be something that will hold you back. Yeah this stuff happened but in spite of it I am this happy, healthy, well adjusted (most of the time) person. That is incredibly desirable in a mate, I have to think. All I can be is me and if someone doesn’t like that because of some label they attach to me then I guess that person just isn’t my person then.

At this moment it doesn’t matter because I have a boy interested in me but I can’t help but think about how people view divorced individuals negatively and I think it’s sad. People have no idea the hell those people have been through and instead of judging them, maybe they could see the person for who they are, not what they have been through and have some friggen compassion. I suppose this goes with a lot of things (well within reason). I mean I’m not out to date a convicted child molester or drug addict and hope they change (I’m well aware that you have to accept someone as they are. You cannot hold on to hope that they will change. I wasted the last however many years of my life thinking that) but I’m just saying that mistakes happen. That doesn’t have to define someone for the rest of their life because they messed up once. If they were a certain way in the past and decided to change for the better, why would you pass that person up? I mean if a guy prefers slender girls and found out I was overweight once, I would hate for him to decide I was no longer a desirable option because of that.

Where is all this going? I guess in 15 different ways I’m trying to say don’t judge a book by its cover. You don’t know until you get to know someone what they have been through and when it comes to dating, what kind of partner they could be to you. I think so often we are focused on the things that don’t matter rather then the things that do. You know how everyone has the big old long lists of things they want in someone else, their ‘deal breakers’. The thing is you might have a ton of stuff in common but if there isn’t a spark of chemistry there, does any of that other stuff on the list matter? Then all you have is a friend and I have lots of those anyways. I think there are certainly deal breakers that are truly deal breakers but I think people tend to put emphasis on things that really shouldn’t be on the list of deal breakers. It’s like my mom when she asked me if the new dude is a doctor. She puts emphasis on things to me that don’t matter. Just because someone makes a lot of money or goes to church, does not make them a good person and someone who is going to treat me the way I want to be treated.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Love and not settling for something like it

“Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.”

I found this quote the other day and it totally spoke to me. For some reason, for the first time in a long time I feel like I could let someone in and let them love me. I feel like I could actually love someone else in a romantic way and that seems so huge to me. And I’m not all that terrified, which is even more alarming to me. I think it is because when everything first happened I thought I was done forever with guys. The hurt was too much to bear and I was never going to allow someone to do that to me again. But I suppose something changed. As I processed and looked at the world around me I realized that there are good people out there and true love is amazing and why can’t I have that in my life? You only know until you try and why not try? If it works out the pay off is huge. If not I don’t think anything can hurt as badly as I hurt before. And I survived that so my strength will see me through it again if it needs to. And its not that I think I could love this new guy specifically because I don’t know if I know enough about him yet to decide that or spent enough time with him yet but I think that I’m open to it in my future where ever that is. I finally feel like I have control over what happened in my past, I've made my peace with it, the part I played in it all and how I can make it different in the future. I know that there are no guarantees in love and I know that I can get hurt if it doesn’t work out but for whatever reason right now where I am in my life it feels worth it. And I’ll try and hope for the best.

Being with a new guy reminds me how much I like the feeling of having someone in my life that wants to be with me. Someone to wake up next to, to hold my hand, to snuggle with while watching a movie, to laugh with about stupid silly stuff. Someone to ask about my day, to kiss me passionately, to make me blush and feel excited. Someone who makes me feel like there was a part of me that needed a tiny spark lit to ignite this part of me that was dead. A part I could live without and still be perfectly happy and content but a part that can make life just a little bit sweeter with. A part that had died a long time ago and a part I never thought I’d have in my life again. A part I don’t even remembering having with my ex-husband. Maybe I never did. Maybe I didn’t care enough to then because he was just good enough. Maybe I did have that but it is all tainted through the painful lenses I now see our entire relationship through. I just don’t know.

To be honest I don’t know if I ever remember being loved. Maybe I haven’t been or maybe I didn’t let it in or maybe I don’t remember it because of the damage caused. I guess that damage can undo all the good intentions of the past, the few acts of mercy and love, the few times I felt like I was special to someone else. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t disposable and cared for. Not that any of that mattered or matters now. The truth is I didn’t love myself enough then to care. Whatever partner at the time had to prove so much to me and it wasn’t fair to them. They had to show me why I deserved to live, deserved their affection, they had to make up for so much that was never their fault. How is that fair to put on another human being? Not that it excuses their poor treatment of me but isn’t that just setting up for a disaster? For someone else to let you down? Someone else to break your heart?

Now that I have my distance, clarity, and the healing started it all becomes so clear to me where the path I was taking was going to lead. I see now how I would always be short of happiness because of who I shared my life with, because of how he treated me, and because of how little I loved myself. Because of the blatant disrespect I dealt with all the time and how I put up with it, making it acceptable. I could be happy within myself to a certain extent but he was always going to be there affecting it. I was silly to think he wouldn’t. I know that now without that in my life, I have never been happier. Now that I have my future to be anything I want it to be, the freeing feeling is amazing. I never want to go back to a relationship like that again and I won’t. I want one that makes me feel alive and beautiful and happy. But the great thing is I already feel all that within myself finally and the right guy will just enhance that. He’ll see what everyone else chose to overlook. He will see inside how amazing I am and the rest will be history.

My past hurt will not hinder my hearts ability to love. Whether that is romantic love, friendship love, whatever, it will not hold me back. I see where my fault was in relationships and I just want to love and be loved and be better next time. My heart is so big and I want to share that. That is my nature and that is something that is the very core of who I am. I am the empathetic, caring, loving, sweet girl. No divorce or death or hurt will change that. And I don’t want the past events of my life to make that impossible again. I read on a Spark blog from someone that had a quote about how you have to deal with the past to get on with your future and I believe that. You have to deal with the crap so you can move on. Not dwell in it, but sort it all out, make it all right in your mind and then move on. Don’t let it define you after that. So I’m doing that. I’m going to let love in when it finds me and not be so scared of someone loving me. If it happens it will be beautiful and I deserve that in my life. I deserve to be loved and I won’t settle for good enough ever again.

Monday, January 9, 2012

New Year, New post

I know this blog has been a lot of different things but I guess for the new year I have decided to focus on my personal life, how I’m rebuilding that after the divorce and what kinds of issues I have had to wade through to get where I am. I think I had decided that later last year actually. Anyways to say this road hasn’t been easy would be an understatement but I have survived worse and I knew I would be able to survive this. To be at this point a year and 4 months later seems amazing that I am as ok as I am. Don’t get me wrong, I know I still have shit to wade through but to have the heavy stuff done is astonishing to me. It makes me proud to be as emotionally healthy as I am for where I came from. Who knew?

2012 is going to be an amazing year. I’ll be turning 30 in February. I start my final class semester at Iowa State this week. I will do my internship this summer and graduate. I will hopefully find a new job in the field I’m studying. Among all the other goals I have set for myself (like running another half marathon) this year is going to be awesome. I know there will probably be some bumps in the road along the way but I feel like where I have been will help me appreciate it all the more. But I’m going to make this an amazing year.

To start the year off great…I had a guy to kiss at midnight which made this girl extremely happy. I have been seeing him for a bit now and I’m really starting to like him. He’s quiet and cute and funny and I have really enjoyed getting to know him. We have a lot of fun together and so far I really like what I know about him. He knows the basics of my situation and seems to be ok with it so I’m going with it. I have my fears of course. I guess anytime you may put your heart out there, you are going to have fears about what might happen. But I can’t let that fear lead the way.

I’m scared he isn’t going to like me as much as I like him because of the guy I was seeing this summer. I’m scared that something in my past, something about me will scare him away. I’m afraid that if I let him in, if I get too invested it’s all going to end. Of course my fears are rational. That is all I have ever known, that is the way I have been conditioned up until this point. But I also know I can’t live my life that way. I can’t be so scared that I throw something potentially really good away. I have to be smart and cautious for sure but I also have to be open and vulnerable to something that could be amazing. For now he is serving a purpose for me and I like how he makes me feel.

I’m trying not think about how he might fit into my life forever. I want to enjoy whatever this is for as long as it lasts. Not always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not always wondering if he likes me. Not fearing that whatever he finds out about me is going to drive him running far away. I focus on the here, the now and hope for the best. It makes me realize how much more ready I am to be with someone. How not ready I was this summer. How the past has affected me in ways that I didn’t even realize yet. But how willing I actually am to be with someone.

I never thought I would get to this point. I didn’t think I had it in me. But I realized that I can’t make everyone else pay for someone else’s mistake. I can’t assume that every guy is like my ex’s. That they all cheat, that they are all bad people. I had to look at my part in those relationships, realize I picked them, I let them into my life and my heart and that I can choose differently in the future. It all starts with who I choose to pick. Which is exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. I want to be smart enough to see what kinds of things I chose not to see before. All those red flags that I chose to over look. I want to make sure that I pick a guy that is worthy of me and it’s hard to realize that I chose people before that weren’t. That I didn’t think enough of myself to choose someone who would treat me the way they did. But the great thing is I’m different now. I love myself enough to not need someone else to tell me how amazing I am. I know I am. I know I have worth whether someone loves me or not. Whether someone throws me away or not. Whether someone else can see it or not. I am lovable and worthy of that love. I am not defined by my past and who I chose in the past. As long as I learned my lessons from it, it’s the here and now that matter.

So for the New Year I’m focused on living in the here and now. Enjoying myself and figuring it out along the way. This path is new to me and I’m going to have the most fun I can while I skip down it. I’m giddy, what can I say? I have a new boy, who makes me feel good and is absolutely adorable. Only time will tell where any of this will lead but I’m definitely enjoying myself while I can :)