Letting go

Divorce is a tricky thing. Not just the separation of a relationship you thought you’d be in the rest of your life, but it really messes with your self esteem.

I not only lost the part of me that was a wife, sister/daughter-in-law, partner, all of that, but I lost so much of the progress I had made with my self esteem. I always said when I was younger that I had no self esteem and it was something I fought hard to change. I banned all that negative self talk and spoke to myself as if I were my best friend. I focused on my positive qualities and didn’t pick myself apart. It’s funny too because I didn’t think my self esteem was tied to him at all. I was the one rebuilding it and he did little to help me feel better about myself. But that kind of rejection is bound to rock you to your core.

How could I tell myself I was amazing when the person that was supposed to love me forever didn’t feel that way? How was I supposed to not feel like a failure when I couldn’t hold together our relationship? If I couldn’t mean more to him how could I possibly love myself? If he could just throw me away like that, how could I convince myself that I was worth anything at all? I couldn’t see past what he did to me and what that meant I was. But the truth is I’m so much more then his actions and what he did. It will only define me if I let it. I don’t want to be a bitter divorced girl the rest of my life. I refuse to let that win.

Now 5 months later I still have a hard time not letting those negative thoughts get me. I have a hard time thinking anyone could possibly want me if he didn’t. I don’t know that I will ever be able to be in a healthy relationship and be able to trust anyone again but that isn’t something I have to worry about now. Right now I focus on the positive things I do have in my life and not the things I lost. I’m honest with myself and try to see the life I want, not the life I don’t have anymore. The truth is that life sucked. I was miserable. I was lying to myself, trying to make it work.
Now I have the world at my feet and can truly do whatever I want with my life. The self esteem will come back. I know that I’m worth more then he gave me. I built it up once before and I can do it again. It might take some time and it might be hard but I know I’m worth it. And that makes all the difference in the world.