I think for far too long I expected someone else to be my everything and be able to fix me. I thought that if I could just get someone to love me, they could heal my broken heart and make me worth something. It’s hard not to revert back to that mindset for me. It’s hard not to think that if someone loves me that makes me somehow more valuable of a person. It’s hard not to think that if someone pays attention to me that he isn’t going to be my knight in shining armor. He is going to make this nightmare go away and make me whole again. That somehow someone else has that power and I do not. I hear it now and realize how unfair and unrealistic that is to put on to someone else. It’s like that love could somehow make me something other then what I am. But the truth is I’m broken. I had my life shatter down around me. I picked up the pieces and its going to take time to put them all back together. And no boy holding my hand or kissing my lips is going to make it any easier. This is something I have to do alone and learn my lessons from. I have to become happy and content with myself before I can bring anything good to a relationship. Otherwise I’m just setting it up for failure.
There are times when the loneliness really gets me and I convince myself that I’m ready for someone to come into my life. And I’m truly convinced at the time. I’m tired of feeling so many negative feelings and trying to sort it out. I guess maybe it’s an escape to an extent. Maybe with someone else I can pretend to not be so broken. Maybe I can become someone else that isn’t so damaged. Someone better. Someone more worthy of loving. It doesn’t take long for me to realize how not ready I am for it though. It’s not easy to process all the feelings I have but in the end it will be worth it. I will be a happier person and maybe someday that will translate into being a happy person with someone else that is happy too. Maybe not but at least I will have a happy me and I’m ok with that.
The truth is I don’t know why I’m in such a rush. I am really enjoying being single. I like being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I like being able to make my own plans and not have to consider anyone else in what I’m doing. I like being able to spend time with all my friends and feeling their unconditional love. I like reconnecting with my family and spending time with them. I like making my lists of all the things I want to do and being able to do them. I like that all the energy I spend on myself is not wasted, like it was when I spent that energy on my ex. Now all my love and attention is on me and it feels good.
All we have is today and tomorrow is not guaranteed. In life, in relationships, in so many things. I love the quote “plan as if you will live forever, live as if you will die tomorrow”. You never know when the world as you know it will be gone or when your last day at all will be. I have lots of plans for my life and I know that it will take some time to accomplish it all. But the great thing is I’m working toward it and moving in a forward direction. If I die tomorrow I might not get all my stuff done on my list but I won’t have any regrets. I did what I could, with the time that I had. And when I die and if I never find that special someone I’m ok with that too. I know that I have so many people who love me and the love of some unknown boy isn’t going to make that love or me mean any less. I will know that I loved myself and that I lived the best I could. I will know the people that I do love will know and what I leave behind will be worth far more then I could ever imagine. And that is something that no one can take away from me
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