Welcome to my blog!

I am Buffy, I live in Iowa with my kitty cat Meowshine and stay rather busy trying to be healthy, eating right, working out, working my full-time job and running my own custom jewelry business on the side. Thanks for coming along for the ride :)

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Thoughts on remarriage

I try not to double blog but this one really applies for this blog but I also posted to my SP blog... I have to tell you when I see or hear about a fellow divorcee being happy, I’m extra thrilled for them. Especially when it comes to having a successful subsequent relationship after a divorce. I can only speak to my own experience but I have to think they have had to face similar obstacles which makes their happiness extra special to me. You’re made to feel like you are a failure, you messed up, you got your chance at happily ever after and you blew it. You obviously can’t be married otherwise you still would be. You’re made to feel like you are less than, flawed in some way because you were part of a marriage that failed. I guess it’s something about making that promise of forever, the signing of that legal contract and having it fail despite your best efforts, that makes it worse than if a long term relationship breaks up. Often times you feel like there isn’t life after divorce, divorce is rock bottom, you rarely think of the life you might have afterward. It’s certainly not something you look forward to. For me it was never something I wanted or ever thought I would go through. It was never an option I really ever considered and it was forced upon me regardless of how I felt on the matter. He cheated and he didn’t want me anymore. Decision made, apparently that easily. And regardless of the how’s or why’s, you are still judged for that one fact. People hear you’re divorced and all kinds of negative things swarm through their minds. It is negative and I’m not necessarily an advocate for it but sometimes it happens in spite of what you wanted or how hard you tried. But the aftermath does not have to devastate you forever. You can be happy after a divorce and thrive in spite of it. Divorce doesn’t have to be something that defines you or defines who you are in any relationship that happens in the future. You messed up but that isn’t the end of the story. Unless you make it so, it doesn’t rule out a happily ever after in your future. When I see the divorcee happy and living life and doing what they always wanted to do, it makes me proud of them for taking something that is such an isolating and lonely experience and learning from it, finding a beautiful life after all that. Instead of dwelling on the ugliness they come out the other side maybe a little scarred but better than before. I found out the other day that one of my friends (that was finalizing her divorce as I was starting mine) is engaged. I knew she had a serious boyfriend that she lived with and was really happy with him. We had conversations about it, how she wanted the same for me, that I too would find someone who would make my whole world change and I could be happy in a relationship too. Back then I was perfectly content being alone and happy but then I thought about it and what if there was someone out there that I could be happy in a relationship too. I wondered what that could be like for me. She gave me hope for something I never really could acknowledge that I wanted. And now that I find myself 8 months into a relationship with someone who seems so oddly perfect for me and makes me happier than I ever imagined someone else could make me, I realize that I was defining relationships on what I had before, not what I deserved or what was possible. I see now that not all guys are the same, that there are ones out there that will show you how much you mean to them, make your life better, make you happy and maybe, just maybe, won’t break your heart. I was just beyond excited for her that she found her happily ever after and I know part of that has to do with the fact that she’s been through hell too. I know the heartache divorce imparts on the individual. And how at the time that pain feels so permanent. You wonder how you can ever come back and feel normal again. And to be happy? It seems almost out of the question. No matter how amicable the divorce may be there still are scars and feelings of inadequacy left behind. And if the divorce isn’t amicable (like mine) the wounds can be so much deeper and so much more debilitating. So for me to have that person who endured so much, who came out the other side of something so life-changing, and is happy and smiling. It just makes me really happy for them finally getting what they deserve. They took their life in their hands and they found a path that led them to where they belong. I still don’t know where my life will take me and if I’ll end up marrying the boyfriend but I’m hopeful that I can have a successful relationship, that maybe I have found someone who thinks I’m worth fighting for and wants this as much as I do. Which is completely crazy to even think of. I know it’s fairly new, I know a lot could happen, but I’m so happy with him, where I’m at, and it’s become easy for me to think of forever with him. And I’ve come really far to be able to say that. My divorce was not a good experience. It’s not something you ever hope for as a married person and it’s not something you want for your marriage. But I know that the fact that I was divorced does not doom me forever. It doesn’t mean I can’t be happily married some day. It doesn’t make me less than and to have someone who sees me as something so wonderful and so beautiful is beyond words. It’s sad to me that I wasted so much of my life with someone who thought so little of me when someone this amazing was out there waiting for me. It almost makes the struggle worth it.