Welcome to my blog!

I am Buffy, I live in Iowa with my kitty cat Meowshine and stay rather busy trying to be healthy, eating right, working out, working my full-time job and running my own custom jewelry business on the side. Thanks for coming along for the ride :)

Monday, June 21, 2010

Second 5k

This past weekend, I learned that I am stronger then I realize. I ran my second 5k on Saturday and had two goals in mind, to run the entire thing and to beat my last time of 39:59. When I signed up for my first 5k I had no idea what to expect, but thought I would at the very least walk it. I was running more and more and longer and longer but had no illusions that I could run the whole thing or do it in record time. I figured I would run as long as I could and then walk, like I normally did on my ‘runs’. I was very happy to cross the finish line, in under 40 min and to not be the last one coming in. This year, especially with Bootcamp, I can run much longer and I figured this would have to help me in my 5k time. It sure did. I was able to run most of it (a few walk breaks were included but I ran probably 99% of it and up both of the big hills!) and finished with a time of 35 min and some change. Not sure of the official time but I was so proud to cut so much time off with still no real training. I ran most of it, more then I really thought I could. I had a bum knee the week going into it, so I really wasn’t sure how it would hold up. But it held up fabulously and only gave me issues toward the very end and not for long so I didn’t need to stop. I found myself pushing myself to go longer and harder then I thought I could. And while I know I wasn’t the fastest, (the first place 10k winner finished at the same time that I did), I improved and did the best I could. I have no regrets and not for a second thought I could have gone harder. When I crossed the finish line, with tears in my eyes, I was so proud to have done what I just did.

I have some things to work on for the next 5k, July 10th. So with my homework, I hope to improve even more. I have some friends running the next one so I am hoping they will be able to push me even harder then I can push myself.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

My promise to myself...

I will never go back to how I was before I started on this journey.
There is so much about myself that I refuse to go back to…
The unhealthy eating.
The lack of movement.
The hating of myself.
The unhappiness, the never ending unhappiness.

I will never be that girl again. She was a good caring person, but so lost and angry. She had no idea where she was going, what she was doing and no direction. Once out of college she wandered around aimlessly, no purpose, no hopes, no plans. She had so many dreams but never thought they would ever come true. She didn’t believe in herself that much. And all that toxic negativity, never again. She hung on to old pain and let them define her. She was so angry and tired and sad.

Today I feel lighter then I ever have in my entire life. Not just in how much I weigh but emotionally. I have let go a lot of that negativity and pain and instead embraced the possibility of being happy. I have seen inside me and all the love I have to offer. I have seen a passion that was buried and suppressed. And I am finally able to let all of that out.

I had no idea that when I started out wanting to lose weight that I would come out the other end so much better. Emotionally healthier and physically healthier, I have seen a side of myself I never knew existed. I saw a strong and happy girl that could do anything she wanted. No one and nothing holding her back. A girl who finally got out of her own way and chose happiness. A girl who finally saw a beauty inside herself that she refused to deny it anymore. A girl who finally said enough to the abuse and allowed her true self to shine. A girl who finally saw she was enough, because she was finally enough for herself. I now know that my happiness is dependant on ME and me alone. I cannot and will not rely on others for that anymore. I know that my truth is mine and I will not let others tell me what I am or what I could be, anymore. I am who I say I am and that is no longer negative. I refuse to say anything bad about myself and refuse to let anyone else do that same.

By becoming a friend to myself I gained more insight and love for myself then I could ever have imagined. I refuse now to let any negative thoughts enter my mind and when they do (old habits die hard) I stop, take a deep breath, and think of something else. Soon enough that thought will float away and having given it no power, I can move on. I refuse to give power to those long held ‘truths’ anymore. I see now how wrong they have always been and I will not allow that in my life anymore.
I am enough. I am beautiful. And I found someone to love me. Just because someone spoke cruel words to you, doesn’t make them true. Only you can decide to make them true.

And now I can move on with my life in a way that is positive and hopeful. I know nothing can hold me back if I don’t let it and I am finally free. Free from the baggage and shame, free from the weight and self loathing, free from that sad little girl I used to be. Happiness is possible. You just have to find it in yourself.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Another push

Yesterday I wrote about pushing myself out of my comfort zone and the fear of failing. After some more reflection on the matter, I am starting to see how much the fear of failing is holding back my life. If you don’t try, you can’t fail. But if you never try, all you are left with is regrets.

I can think of a lot of excuses why I haven’t finished things that I have started, but that is only cheating myself. So I am adding to my goals some of the things I have been putting off for a while.

Some of you may know I have been making my own jewelry since I got married three and a half years ago. My husband even set me up a website but I have yet to learn how to do anything on there. I did set up an account in hopes that I would find a quicker route to getting my jewels out into the public. A lot of people know that is where you go to find great hand made stuff and what would I have to lose. Well nothing but I have yet to put anything up on it. So this week with my husband being gone and having more time then I know what to do with myself I am going to get it fully set up and running. And I have high hopes that in the next few months, when things slow down for me and my husband that I can get him to teach me how to do stuff on my website and that way I can make a REAL go of it.

There is also a boutique that I want to contact to see if they would want to sell my stuff in their store. I need to decide what I would take in and find out who the manager is and how to get a hold of them. The worst they are going to say is no, but the best is they might just say yes. But again I won’t know if I never try. I just found their website online and submitted an email to see if someone will contact me about setting up a meeting. Step one, done :)

I am tired of watching my dreams dance around in the horizon somewhere. Sure ideas are great, but if you never follow through, what good are they? Being scared is not an excuse I am allowing into my vocabulary anymore. I know that I am stronger then I realize and the only way to prove that to myself is to just do it. I refuse to hold myself back any more.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Comfort Zones...

One of my big resolutions this year was to keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I think when you are constantly challenging yourself; you are going to become a better person. By pushing yourself to do things that aren’t comfortable you get to see what you are made of. You get to see how strong you are. You get to see what you can take and often times it’s a lot more then you would think. You get to see first hand what is possible for you.

That is why I started this blog. I have always loved to write but a fear of not being good enough, has always kept my writing mostly to myself. The idea of having my heart and words criticized…I never thought I could bear it. But I also know that if I ever want to be published or go anywhere other then the inside of a personal journal, I have to put myself out there. So I took a deep breath and I jumped in.

My first push out of my comfort zone for the year was signing up for a Zumba fitness class in January. Group fitness classes, were just something I thought I would never be comfortable enough to do. There were so many thoughts that raced through my head.
Would I be good at it? Would I look like a fool trying to do the moves? What would people think? What if I can’t keep up? I always worked out at home and if I tried a video that I didn’t like or didn’t feel like I was good at or whatever, I would let it just sit and collect dust. No harm done, no embarrassment. Just move on. I knew a class would be different and I would feel forced to follow through.

The fear of failing at anything, has always been a big obstacle for me and this was the year I challenged it. With Zumba, not only did I find a workout that I absolutely love and can’t imagine life without, I found that I really enjoyed the fitness class atmosphere. So in May I signed up for Extreme Outdoor Bootcamp class and even signed up for the second session as well. I know that these classes are pushing me further then I was pushing myself. I know that these classes are keeping me motivated to keep working hard and keep pushing myself. I know that they are enhancing my life and making me happier. And to have people in the class to share that accomplishment with…it’s just nice to not be alone in it.

I continue to push myself in smaller ways too. Trying new recipes is one that I do the most often. I never cooked before I started on this journey, unless making boxed Kraft Macaroni and Cheese counts. So cooking in general was a big leap in the first place. Now I try recipes with ingredients I have never cooked with before or combinations I wouldn’t normally try. I’ll even make up my own food combinations with what I have around and just wing it.
In the beginning of my venture into being a cook, that is something I wouldn’t have ever done. I used to have to follow a recipe step by step meticulously. Being that I was new to cooking and not entirely sure what went well together or even how to wing it, not following the recipe was just not a risk I was willing to take. I was always afraid I would make something that tasted bad or I would mess it up or the world would end if I ‘failed’. But you know what? I found that most of the time, I did just fine. I never screwed up anything so badly that I had to eat something else entirely and the world never ended.

It’s really all a process. Once you do something that is out of your normal limits and you see a success or you see that you didn’t die because it wasn’t, that gives you more encouragement to do other things on your list. You have the power to turn something on your list from an ‘I wish’ to an ‘I did’. All that stands in your way is you.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

A new plan of attack!

As I so often do on Sundays, I am plotting my plan of attack for the next week. I plan out what workouts I will do. I think about any recipes I am going to make. I set some goals for myself to keep myself on track or in today's case, how to get back on track. The thing about this whole journey is sometimes you fall and sometimes you cheat a little and sometimes you just need some time off of thinking about losing weight all the time. I don't beat myself up about it, I just pick myself back up and I keep going. I am in it for the long haul and I know that I can't always be perfect. But I do the best I can and when I do fall, I just keep going. I owe it to myself to keep going.

So this week I have set a few goals for myself.
-Track all my food (on
-No extra sweets! No candy, no ice cream every night after supper, etc.
-Be positive. There will probably be some bad days but I want to start out each day positive and kind to myself. If the day isn't going well, I will take a few deep breaths and focus on the good, not the bad.
-Write in my journal each night.
-Try a new recipe. I am stuck in a bit of a rut when it comes to my meals. I need to branch out. When I find one and try it, I'll let you know how it is.

Well that is all I can think of for now...What are your goals this week?

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Hulu Workout Review-Yoga Fusion

I tried out a new yoga workout yesterday. It was part of a series, that I found on, called Yoga Fusion. The one I tried was titled Power. I watched a little bit of Beginners Basics the night before, but the lady annoyed me so I didn’t want to do that one. A different girl did the one I tried and I liked her much better. If I have to spend 45 min of my life with you, I have to like you :) Besides that I liked the moves better in the Power one so I thought I would give it a go. Their caption for the episode was “Gain power in body and mind through focus on breath and the elements of stamina, strength and flexibility.” So I was intrigued.

Yoga Fusion, like the name would suggest, combines different types of workouts into the session. In this one they combine “many moves from dance, fitness, chi-gong, yoga and pilates” the teacher T (at least that is what I think she said her name was) states at the beginning. She also says the goal of the workout is to ‘energize and relax your body and spirit’.

Over all I really liked it. It moved along at a nice pace. It was not a big calorie burner by any means but when I am looking for a yoga workout I don’t expect it to. I don’t know that it met my expectations of the potential of building strength, but it seems to be a nice option to switch out with the Biggest Loser Yoga that I usually do on Yoga day. It was nice to at times to get away from the pure yoga parts and I really liked the pilates abs part towards the end of the video. I didn’t particularly care for their modifications because often times they weren’t really all that modified. And for someone who is not very flexible there were certain poses or moves that I had to make up a modification for. But if I think if I regularly incorporated this video into my workouts, I would definitely gain flexibility.
I do have to say my legs are sore today and I am not sure if that is from this or left over soreness from my Bootcamp class.

If you want to check it out, here is the link…

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Life is too short...

I know I have heard it a million times before. When I was young I never really paid much attention to it. It was something adults annoyingly said. A phrase on t-shirts (remember those NO FEAR t-shirts?) but I never really took the time to realize what that meant. I guess though when you are young and the only person in your life that has ever died was your grandmother, you don’t think that your life could be short.

Now at 28 I have seen so much more and lived so much more life that I can now say that I understand the impact of that statement. You truly never know when your last breath could be and I for one don’t want to waste a lot of my time that I have left here.

When I was 21, almost 22, a very dear friend of mine died and the world collapsed around me. After a long time of mourning (which I am not entirely sure I am done) I decided that I was going to live the life she never got to. And now I can say that I am beginning to. I am finally at the point in my life that I can see things in me that I want to change and I am brave enough to make steps toward making myself a better person. But I can also see the good that is already in me too. I can look in the mirror and embrace the woman I have become. I know I am a much better person for having had my friend in my life and I hope that I can return the favor to someone else.

Ok so what is my point?
Life is way too short to do a lot of things.
To worry about things you have no control over. Deal with what you do have control over and let the rest go.
To stay in a place in your life that is destructive. Whether it is a frame of mind or bad relationship. You can’t get those moments of destruction back. Don’t waste your precious time on it.
To not say the words you have been dying to say. When you are gone, there are no re-dos. Say them now and say them often.
To not be the person you want to be. Be brave and look in the mirror and be honest with yourself. You can be whoever you chose to be, so do it!
To not do the things that inspire and excite you. Take a painting class or a dance class. Join a knitting group. Make things or read or whatever it is that you like to do.
To not make the changes in your life you know you need to make. Hate your job? Get a new one. Need to start working out? Start working out. You get the idea.
Life is way to short to live a life that in the end you wouldn’t be proud of. If you live your life like there is no tomorrow, you will have no regrets and that is what I want out of my time here.

If my life ends today, I hope that the people I love know how much they have meant to me. I may not have accomplished all the things I wanted to yet, but I know I am on my way. I have started to make the changes that I need to make to make my life and me, better. I strive for a better version of myself but I accept who I am today. I may not be perfect and I may mess up, but I am me and I will not apologize for that.

I just needed this reminder today and thought maybe you did too.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Is it worth it?

I just read another blog on spark that really got me thinking. Especially lately when I have been so up and down in my emotions and feeling overwhelmed and all that.

There have been times in the last few months where I have asked that very question. I have worked hard, I had eaten right, and I felt stuck and like I was just wasting my time. Losing weight and staying healthy is hard. Sometimes all you want to do is eat that bag of M&M’s. Sometimes you just don’t want to get up early to work out. Sometimes it all just seems like too much.

And so that leads one to ask, is it all worth is? In a process that you often times you can’t see the results right away. In a process that takes so much time and energy. In a process that seems like a puzzle at times to get it right.
But the answer is and always has been, yes. Of course it’s worth it because you are worth it. It seems so simple but it often times isn’t. You have to know that all this work and all this time and energy is worth all of it because you deserve to have a long and happy, healthy life. Because if you don’t believe it, who will?

I was having a conversation this weekend with a girl and the comment she made sticks out in my head so painfully. ‘If I lose 10 pounds, I think I will be happy’. It broke my heart because I had been there, wanting to lose much more then she did and I know the truth. I told her that losing weight will not make her happier because you have to fix the insides to be happy on the outside. It was something that never occurred to me 40 pounds ago. Back when I hated myself and couldn’t say a nice thing about myself. I was slowly drowning myself in a mountain of food and I had no idea what I was doing. Deep down I knew but I didn’t care enough to look at what I was doing to myself. I was content on being fat and unhappy. Not saying you can’t be over weight and happy but I was not. The thing I never realized that the weight was not the reason I was unhappy. It sure didn’t help, but it was the route cause of my unhappiness. I had to find that and fix that to be happy, not just lose 40 pounds. Now that I have started to realize the real reason for the unhappiness that was in me, now I can start to fix it and start being that happy person I have always wanted to be. And it is truly exhilarating to know that I have the power to decide that.

Life is too short to be miserable. You have to decide that you are worth saving. I decided that it was time to start loving myself instead of the constant self torture. It is worth all the work and sacrifice and belief that you can have a happy life. You can do all the things you have always wanted to do. You can be who ever you decide you want to be. You can see the good and beauty in yourself if you want to. If you want to, you can find a way for all of that. You can be the healthy person you deserve to be.
So put the donut down. Your new life can begin today.

Friday, June 4, 2010

I am very fortunate to be able to walk to work everyday, I know that. Well except during thunderstorms but 99% of the time I can walk the 7 blocks to work. It’s nice to be able to get outside and get some fresh air. Especially now when it is so nice out, it really can brighten my day. I also walk home on lunch and it gives me a chance to get out, breathe, and recharge for the rest of the day. And with having a desk job in a small office, any chance I can get to get up and walk around is very much welcome.

I have come to notice how rude people can be being a pedestrian. I cannot tell you how often I have been very close to being hit by a car because the driver is not paying attention, or they don’t care, or they hate pedestrians or whatever the case may be. Since pedestrians have the right away, I used to assume that people would stop for me or let me go when it was my turn at a four way stop or be courteous in anyway. But the truth is, people are in a hurry to get where they are going and don’t care that you are there and just hope you don’t get in their way. They roll through stop signs and stop on the cross walk (glad I wasn’t walking there, thanks!) and in general could give a crap less about traffic laws. My favorite is when the weather is bad and the driver sees you standing there, waiting and they still roll through the stop sign or whatever and don’t care that you as a human, have to endure the elements, while they sit nice and warm and dry in their protected car. I know there is no law to be nice to people but I wish there was.

I have come to the point in my commuting to work, I am very cautious because while I may have the right of way, if I get hit by a car I will still get hurt or die. I don’t even chance it anymore. If there is a car coming anywhere near a stop sign, I stop and I wait until I know they are stopped and will let me pass without hitting me (or most likely until they roll through the stop sign or stop in the cross walk) and I wait. Most people let me wait and wait.

I am aware that I chose this mode of transportation and that a car is much bigger and can cause a lot of damage to me. I just wish that the people I encounter could take a minute to obey traffic laws and maybe be courteous from time to time. I don’t know that that is too much to ask. I almost got hit by a car on my walk home yesterday because a car came barreling through a parking lot that is hidden behind a building and it crosses the sidewalk I was walking on. The driver was barely paying attention and slammed on her breaks, while I stopped and jumped back. Embarrassed, she waved me to pass and shaken I did. These people park in this parking lot for work and do so every day. They know about the foot traffic that goes through there after 5pm and still she never thought someone might be walking on the sidewalk where people walk. I wasn’t in the street, I wasn’t even at a cross walk, I was on the sidewalk where I am supposed to be and I still almost got hit.

It’s just really annoying and I wish people would just be more observant and think about the people around them. You have to take driving a motor vehicle seriously and know that you can do some serious damage by not doing so. Stop being in such a hurry, and not paying attention to what is going on around you. I really don’t want my ending to be because someone else wasn’t paying attention to what was going on and ran me over. I imagine that would be fairly painful and would like to avoid it if I can. I appreciate your help in the matter.

Rant over :)

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Sometimes life hands you lemons…

And what you do with those lemons can make a huge difference in your whole well being. You can choose to dwell on the bad, or you can decide to take the positive and run with that instead. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like a conscious effort and at other times it is an all out battle. But life is just better when you can look at the bright side of things.

I think I always used to be a pessimist. I used to dwell in the bad. Hold on to hurt feelings for years. I used to see everything at face value and usually only the bad it presented. I thought I was happy, or as happy as I could be. I was this hurt, damaged girl. What kind of life did I really expect to have?
When I started losing weight I was still in a bad place. I didn’t feel good about who I was, what I had done in life, and where I was going. I also thought if I got skinny I would be so happy. Skinny was the key to happiness. Wow was I wrong!

Now I see things so different and I try and see them in the best possible light. I think of things that I am happy about or that makes me smile. I make a concerted effort to never wake up on the wrong side of the bed. I smile, I laugh, and some how I have become happy. Sure I have days where I want to stay in bed and growl at everyone who crosses me. But I want to be happy most of the time and so I am.
The truth is it’s hard but the payoff is well worth the work. And the more I manually change my mind to think of the good, and not the bad, the easier it is to do it automatically.

Not only do I see the world through rosier colored glasses but I also see myself better. I no longer pick myself apart. I no longer allow my inner dialogue to be abusive and hurtful. I treat myself as though I were a small child that I have to take care of. I would never tell a small child that they were fat and ugly, so why would I do that to myself? So I don’t. I stop the self abuse in its tracks and I think of something I do like about myself. I look in the mirror and focus on the good, not the bad. I understand that I am a work in progress and I do love myself. Did you hear that? I actually love myself. I care what happens to me and I want the best for my life. Why wouldn’t I? Why wouldn’t you?

So today look at the world through the eyes of that child within you. See the opportunities to play and have fun. Be kind to yourself. You’ve only got one life, so why not make it as fun and happy as possible?

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

How to stay successful with weight loss?

I am sure you have heard before that a lot of people who lose weight gain it back. It can make losing weight daunting and almost scary to think all that hard work might be for naught. So what does a person with a weight loss plan do?
I have been on my own journey for over three years now, and while I am not quite to my goal weight, I have lost the majority of my weight and kept it off for those three years. I have encountered many people on my journey (mostly through that have kept their weight off and there are a few things I’ve noticed that these people have in common.

Perception. You have to be able to see this as a journey and as a lifestyle change. If you just go back to eating like you had in the past, of course you are just going to end up where you were. I mean it makes sense, you got fat eating that way so why would it be any different later on. Not to say some of those old bad pesky habits might sneak back in when you least expect it, but if you are conscious of what you are doing and eating you will see those soon enough and be able to get it back in check.

Persistence. If you fall, you pick yourself back up. Whether it is in losing weight or in maintaining weight, you have to be able to recover from a setback. You have to be able to shake it off and not let that bad eating day turn into a bad eating week, or month or year. You have to be able to see what you did, acknowledge it and move on. I suppose with this also entails being able to forgive yourself for the mistakes and not beating yourself into a weight gain spiral. Beating yourself up about it, only makes you feel awful and doesn’t do anything to help you achieve your goals. That is a bad place to be and you have to get out of it immediately. You have to acknowledge it, accept it, learn from it, and move on!

Planning. You have to plan. I know for me if I go into a situation with a plan I am much more likely to succeed then if I go in blind. For example if you are going out to dinner, you can look at the menu ahead and scout out what the best options are. Or you have a party this weekend, you can plan out how many drinks you will have, and how many treats you will allow yourself, etc.
Planning ahead allows you to make a good decision and how to avoid the bad ones. I know for me it has been a life saver to plan for the moment and then I won’t be caught off guard and have to make a decision in the moment. That can be the worst. For example let’s say I didn’t plan ahead and forgot my meals for the day. By the time I get to supper I am now starving and will grab anything in sight and inhale it. And hopefully I did plan out having nice healthy meals at home so I’m not then tempted just order a pizza or get some Taco John’s. I’m sure you can think of lots of times that the lack of planning could get you into trouble, so plan ahead and safe guard yourself against it. It really can make a huge difference.
Now planning is half the battle and the follow through is just as important but at least with a plan you can be sure that you will come out much better then not having one at all.