Psst...

Ok this underlying yuckiness has got to get the hell out. I have so much to be happy about yet I have this little voice in my head making me feel down and it has to stop. Today, I’m telling that bitch to GTFO I’m sorry but I can’t have her constantly telling me that I shouldn’t be proud, that I suck, that I’m gonna mess everything up, that I’m not good enough. Just because she is afraid of succeeding, doesn’t mean I am. Just because she hates taking risks and tries to tell me I shouldn’t risk anything either, that doesn’t mean I’m gonna listen. Doesn’t she know I stopped listening to her a long time ago? Doesn’t she know how strong I am and I do what I want? Doesn’t she know that she has no power over me? Stupid bitch. The thing is she doesn’t care about any of that. She is a relentless whore who just keeps trying to chip away at my confidence. I used to let her get the best of me but I don’t any more. She just caught me at a weak moment so she almost slipped back in but I’m too tough for that crap. See what I’m saying, she’s dumb. Like I said, I have so much to be happy about. I’m graduating with my bachelor’s degree, I’m interviewing for jobs (had an interview with a job I really REALLY want yesterday), my one year anniversary in Friday with the best boyfriend in the entire world, I’m getting ready to go on a super fun trip, and I just have the best people in my life. I can’t let her negative voice get my feeling anything but excited and happy about all of that. I guess it is all about rebuilding me and some times I slide back into a person I wasn’t proud to be. It’s all an ongoing process. So this is what I’m doing to shut her up… I’m going to focus on all the great things in my life, remind myself of what I have to be thankful for. I’m going to focus on the things I do have control over and fix the things I can. I’m going to do what I can with what I have and that’s it. I’m going to let myself feel happy and proud of what I have accomplished over these last two and a half years. I can’t focus on the bad that has happened and I won’t let that take away from what I did. What I did, all on my own, in spite of that crap. So here is to celebrating an awesome year. One that I can be proud of and that I got to see so many of my dreams come true. Hopefully in 2013 all kinds of good things will come!

Love and not settling for something like it

“Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.”

I found this quote the other day and it totally spoke to me. For some reason, for the first time in a long time I feel like I could let someone in and let them love me. I feel like I could actually love someone else in a romantic way and that seems so huge to me. And I’m not all that terrified, which is even more alarming to me. I think it is because when everything first happened I thought I was done forever with guys. The hurt was too much to bear and I was never going to allow someone to do that to me again. But I suppose something changed. As I processed and looked at the world around me I realized that there are good people out there and true love is amazing and why can’t I have that in my life? You only know until you try and why not try? If it works out the pay off is huge. If not I don’t think anything can hurt as badly as I hurt before. And I survived that so my strength will see me through it again if it needs to. And its not that I think I could love this new guy specifically because I don’t know if I know enough about him yet to decide that or spent enough time with him yet but I think that I’m open to it in my future where ever that is. I finally feel like I have control over what happened in my past, I've made my peace with it, the part I played in it all and how I can make it different in the future. I know that there are no guarantees in love and I know that I can get hurt if it doesn’t work out but for whatever reason right now where I am in my life it feels worth it. And I’ll try and hope for the best.

Being with a new guy reminds me how much I like the feeling of having someone in my life that wants to be with me. Someone to wake up next to, to hold my hand, to snuggle with while watching a movie, to laugh with about stupid silly stuff. Someone to ask about my day, to kiss me passionately, to make me blush and feel excited. Someone who makes me feel like there was a part of me that needed a tiny spark lit to ignite this part of me that was dead. A part I could live without and still be perfectly happy and content but a part that can make life just a little bit sweeter with. A part that had died a long time ago and a part I never thought I’d have in my life again. A part I don’t even remembering having with my ex-husband. Maybe I never did. Maybe I didn’t care enough to then because he was just good enough. Maybe I did have that but it is all tainted through the painful lenses I now see our entire relationship through. I just don’t know.

To be honest I don’t know if I ever remember being loved. Maybe I haven’t been or maybe I didn’t let it in or maybe I don’t remember it because of the damage caused. I guess that damage can undo all the good intentions of the past, the few acts of mercy and love, the few times I felt like I was special to someone else. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t disposable and cared for. Not that any of that mattered or matters now. The truth is I didn’t love myself enough then to care. Whatever partner at the time had to prove so much to me and it wasn’t fair to them. They had to show me why I deserved to live, deserved their affection, they had to make up for so much that was never their fault. How is that fair to put on another human being? Not that it excuses their poor treatment of me but isn’t that just setting up for a disaster? For someone else to let you down? Someone else to break your heart?

Now that I have my distance, clarity, and the healing started it all becomes so clear to me where the path I was taking was going to lead. I see now how I would always be short of happiness because of who I shared my life with, because of how he treated me, and because of how little I loved myself. Because of the blatant disrespect I dealt with all the time and how I put up with it, making it acceptable. I could be happy within myself to a certain extent but he was always going to be there affecting it. I was silly to think he wouldn’t. I know that now without that in my life, I have never been happier. Now that I have my future to be anything I want it to be, the freeing feeling is amazing. I never want to go back to a relationship like that again and I won’t. I want one that makes me feel alive and beautiful and happy. But the great thing is I already feel all that within myself finally and the right guy will just enhance that. He’ll see what everyone else chose to overlook. He will see inside how amazing I am and the rest will be history.

My past hurt will not hinder my hearts ability to love. Whether that is romantic love, friendship love, whatever, it will not hold me back. I see where my fault was in relationships and I just want to love and be loved and be better next time. My heart is so big and I want to share that. That is my nature and that is something that is the very core of who I am. I am the empathetic, caring, loving, sweet girl. No divorce or death or hurt will change that. And I don’t want the past events of my life to make that impossible again. I read on a Spark blog from someone that had a quote about how you have to deal with the past to get on with your future and I believe that. You have to deal with the crap so you can move on. Not dwell in it, but sort it all out, make it all right in your mind and then move on. Don’t let it define you after that. So I’m doing that. I’m going to let love in when it finds me and not be so scared of someone loving me. If it happens it will be beautiful and I deserve that in my life. I deserve to be loved and I won’t settle for good enough ever again.

Stronger, better, smarter

Sometimes you feel like crap and there is no getting around it. Sometimes you don’t feel cheery and full of freaking sunshine. Sometimes life gives you rotten sour ass lemons that just make rotten sour ass lemonade. It happens and feeling it is ok. People can’t feel 100% positive and sunny all the time. You can try and make yourself (and trust me some days I know I have to) but even the eternal optimist has problems finding that inner happiness ALL the time. Sometimes you have to feel the bad stuff and process the feeling, validate that you feel that way and get it out of you. Sometimes there isn’t a way around it. BUT then you move on.

Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes the feelings you have about said sucky life…well sucks. You can choose to dwell on the suckyness or you can choose to feel it, process it and then move on. You can continue to focus on the suck, let it rule your life and your mood or you can move on and focus on the not so sucky stuff. There is always not so sucky stuff you can find. It may be small and you may have to hunt for it, but trust me its there. Even if it is just waking up and being alive, that is something to be thankful for.

I was thinking about this on the walk to work this morning. I was thinking about how sometimes life just sucks and I have had many a moment in the last few months that I felt that way. I thought about how during the last few months especially, I have made a real effort to allow myself to feel whatever it is I’m feeling. Happy, sad, lonely, excited, whatever. I don’t try and not feel the bad because it is there for a reason. If you push it away and not acknowledge the feeling, it’s going to come back. And when it comes back it is usually stronger and suckier then it would have been if you dealt with it before. And I think it has helped me feel as good as I do now. And the big difference is you have to then move on. I can sit here and go on and on how getting divorced sucks and how little I think of my ex because of what he did and wah wah wah. I can go on and on about a less then perfect childhood and how much it messed me up. I can go on and on about losing people I loved more then anything and how much I hate that they are gone and I have to go on without them. But what good is that going to do me? Why would I want to be miserable my whole life and just think about the ugliness? Why focus on things I no longer have any control over, instead of the things I do. Like my attitude, the people I surround myself with, the activities I do instead of moping, or ways to deal with the stress I don’t have control over.

I guess I was thinking about it in respect to all the crap that has happened and how I can possibly be hopeful and happy for my future. I was thinking about someone I know that only focuses on the bad and negative and how sad I am for them. How I wish I could tell them life doesn’t have to be that way and instead of focusing on the people who did you wrong, why not focus on the ones that are still around and love you. But I suppose that is another blog for another day. Sorry back to the original point…isn’t that how we learn, from our past experiences though? Unfortunately my past experiences say people suck and will screw you over and let you down. But how lonely of a life would that be if I just assume everyone is like that. Aren’t I doing a better service to my future and my happiness by learning what fault I had in the situation, learning the lessons there to learn and moving on smarter and stronger then before? Isn’t it better to acknowledge that I picked to marry a guy that was very immature and selfish and that is was so wrong thinking he would grow up into an adult? I guess some would say that expecting someone to become an adult isn’t asking a lot (and I didn’t think so either) but isn’t it more important to learn the lesson that you cannot change people and you should be ok with them for who they are NOW not what they could/should/promised to be later? Isn’t it better to learn that what you see is what you get and to be more honest with myself in any future relationship? Isn’t it better to see what the relationship really was and to accept the responsibility I had for what it was? Not just push all the blame and not learn anything?

I guess some might call me foolish but I still believe the best in people. Ok yeah there are certain people that I know are just bad but why would I want to assume that of everyone. Isn’t it better to believe that people are good until they prove you wrong? Aren’t there more people that are really good inside then bad? I have to believe that is true. I still believe that there is a guy out there that is going to love and cherish me and not break my heart. I know now what it is like to be in a crummy relationship and what I want in the future. I know what I contributed and the bad I brought and I hope in the future I will be a better girlfriend because of it. I still believe that no matter what life throws at me I am strong enough to withstand it, I know that now.

Ok to recap…life sucks sometimes but it is also really good at other times. You have to accept the suck for what it is, feel it and move on. You will be stronger and smarter if you learn your lessons and move on. This is me moving on

Dang you Murphy!

I’m having a bad day. Last week wasn’t great either. This weekend was so so but not great either. I have a lot on my mind and I suppose today it has come to a head. The phrase ‘whatever can go wrong will go wrong’ is so appropriate today.

But I don’t want to be in a bad mood because of things that are beyond my control. The things that are making my week, weekend, day bad are not things I have any control over whatsoever. The control lays in how I choose to react to it. Sure there was a moment today I was on the verge of tears because after the millionth thing I just didn’t think I could take anymore. But it was at that moment I thought, I cannot let all this crap upset me so much. I sat at my desk, took some deep breaths and told myself to calm down. After a bit I told myself to think about something positive. I know I need to sort out something in response of all the bad crap that has come up but other things I’m just gonna worry about incessantly. That isn’t helpful and isn’t going to get me anywhere except an upset stomach.

One thing that has become crystal clear to me is you have control over so much in your life and that is where you should focus your attention. Not on the things you don’t. Sometimes is seems like a fine line and sometimes things you think you have control over you really don’t and vice versa. But needlessly worrying about those that you don’t is really pointless. Sometimes unavoidable but pointless nonetheless. So I took a few moments and felt the worry and anger. I went through the thoughts and feelings and then let them go. Or as best I can. I changed my focus onto the little bits of positive I can find in my life and it has really helped minimize the negative emotions. It’s not easy but I suppose nothing that is worth it ever is. It takes practice and time and I have had a lot of that in the past 7 months. Life is definitely chucking lemons at me and damn it I’m gonna make lemonade!