Yay it’s my birthday month! While I’m slightly less enthused about this birthday (turning 30 and all) I love February and the birthday month! My family has lots of birthdays including my own and I love celebrating birthdays. It’s one of my favorite things in the world. I think everyone should get that one day to have the best time and celebrate that they are here and do whatever they want. While I’m still unsure about actually having a party myself I know I’ll make the day special.
I’m excited for being 30 in certain ways. I get to go to Mexico in March (so excited!!!!). I will finish classes and do my internship. I will graduate from Iowa State (again) and hopefully get a job that is fulfilling and I love (or at least like a lot). I’m sure there will be plenty of races scattered in there including my third half-marathon. There will be lots of fun times and I plan on enjoying them the best I can. All in all being 30 is most likely going to be awesome.
However there is definitely a part of me that is a bit despondent about turning 30. I am not where I thought I would be at 30. Granted back in the day I never had a clear picture of where my life was going to take me but this wasn’t it. As I was at the laundrymat last night doing laundry I couldn’t help but be angry. The place is scary and it’s so not a fun place for a girl to be by herself. I take homework so I can stay busy as I wait but it’s just not fun. I can’t help but think about how I was once a homeowner and why am I now doing laundry at a laundrymat? It’s some of those little things that you lose in a divorce that you don’t realize until later how that affects you. To feel so much like a grown up and in a totally different stage of your life then to go to a different stage in life yet you yourself haven’t really changed, it’s a strange feeling. To be 30, divorced, in school, and in the same life stage as a 22 year old kind of messes with your head. I’ve been 22 before, it wasn’t a place I necessarily wanted to go again.
But then I remember how much better this life is then what my life could have been had my life kept progressing in the way it was. Maybe this isn’t how I imagined 30 but I’m loving how it seems to be shaping up. I may never be the girl who is married and has babies but I might be and which ever way it turns out I’m ok with that. At this point I get to decide all that on my own terms and I know no matter where my life goes I will be happy. And that is one of the best feelings in the world to have. My life is moving in a forward motion and I’ll take that any day to standing still.
I may not have found my own path quite yet and I may still being getting used to this version of myself but I like her a lot. She knows what she wants, she’s not willing to settle for less, she is fearless and brave and strong. And when I really think about it, she is exactly who I wanted to be when I grew up.
