Stronger, better, smarter

Sometimes you feel like crap and there is no getting around it. Sometimes you don’t feel cheery and full of freaking sunshine. Sometimes life gives you rotten sour ass lemons that just make rotten sour ass lemonade. It happens and feeling it is ok. People can’t feel 100% positive and sunny all the time. You can try and make yourself (and trust me some days I know I have to) but even the eternal optimist has problems finding that inner happiness ALL the time. Sometimes you have to feel the bad stuff and process the feeling, validate that you feel that way and get it out of you. Sometimes there isn’t a way around it. BUT then you move on.

Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes the feelings you have about said sucky life…well sucks. You can choose to dwell on the suckyness or you can choose to feel it, process it and then move on. You can continue to focus on the suck, let it rule your life and your mood or you can move on and focus on the not so sucky stuff. There is always not so sucky stuff you can find. It may be small and you may have to hunt for it, but trust me its there. Even if it is just waking up and being alive, that is something to be thankful for.

I was thinking about this on the walk to work this morning. I was thinking about how sometimes life just sucks and I have had many a moment in the last few months that I felt that way. I thought about how during the last few months especially, I have made a real effort to allow myself to feel whatever it is I’m feeling. Happy, sad, lonely, excited, whatever. I don’t try and not feel the bad because it is there for a reason. If you push it away and not acknowledge the feeling, it’s going to come back. And when it comes back it is usually stronger and suckier then it would have been if you dealt with it before. And I think it has helped me feel as good as I do now. And the big difference is you have to then move on. I can sit here and go on and on how getting divorced sucks and how little I think of my ex because of what he did and wah wah wah. I can go on and on about a less then perfect childhood and how much it messed me up. I can go on and on about losing people I loved more then anything and how much I hate that they are gone and I have to go on without them. But what good is that going to do me? Why would I want to be miserable my whole life and just think about the ugliness? Why focus on things I no longer have any control over, instead of the things I do. Like my attitude, the people I surround myself with, the activities I do instead of moping, or ways to deal with the stress I don’t have control over.

I guess I was thinking about it in respect to all the crap that has happened and how I can possibly be hopeful and happy for my future. I was thinking about someone I know that only focuses on the bad and negative and how sad I am for them. How I wish I could tell them life doesn’t have to be that way and instead of focusing on the people who did you wrong, why not focus on the ones that are still around and love you. But I suppose that is another blog for another day. Sorry back to the original point…isn’t that how we learn, from our past experiences though? Unfortunately my past experiences say people suck and will screw you over and let you down. But how lonely of a life would that be if I just assume everyone is like that. Aren’t I doing a better service to my future and my happiness by learning what fault I had in the situation, learning the lessons there to learn and moving on smarter and stronger then before? Isn’t it better to acknowledge that I picked to marry a guy that was very immature and selfish and that is was so wrong thinking he would grow up into an adult? I guess some would say that expecting someone to become an adult isn’t asking a lot (and I didn’t think so either) but isn’t it more important to learn the lesson that you cannot change people and you should be ok with them for who they are NOW not what they could/should/promised to be later? Isn’t it better to learn that what you see is what you get and to be more honest with myself in any future relationship? Isn’t it better to see what the relationship really was and to accept the responsibility I had for what it was? Not just push all the blame and not learn anything?

I guess some might call me foolish but I still believe the best in people. Ok yeah there are certain people that I know are just bad but why would I want to assume that of everyone. Isn’t it better to believe that people are good until they prove you wrong? Aren’t there more people that are really good inside then bad? I have to believe that is true. I still believe that there is a guy out there that is going to love and cherish me and not break my heart. I know now what it is like to be in a crummy relationship and what I want in the future. I know what I contributed and the bad I brought and I hope in the future I will be a better girlfriend because of it. I still believe that no matter what life throws at me I am strong enough to withstand it, I know that now.

Ok to recap…life sucks sometimes but it is also really good at other times. You have to accept the suck for what it is, feel it and move on. You will be stronger and smarter if you learn your lessons and move on. This is me moving on

Dang you Murphy!

I’m having a bad day. Last week wasn’t great either. This weekend was so so but not great either. I have a lot on my mind and I suppose today it has come to a head. The phrase ‘whatever can go wrong will go wrong’ is so appropriate today.

But I don’t want to be in a bad mood because of things that are beyond my control. The things that are making my week, weekend, day bad are not things I have any control over whatsoever. The control lays in how I choose to react to it. Sure there was a moment today I was on the verge of tears because after the millionth thing I just didn’t think I could take anymore. But it was at that moment I thought, I cannot let all this crap upset me so much. I sat at my desk, took some deep breaths and told myself to calm down. After a bit I told myself to think about something positive. I know I need to sort out something in response of all the bad crap that has come up but other things I’m just gonna worry about incessantly. That isn’t helpful and isn’t going to get me anywhere except an upset stomach.

One thing that has become crystal clear to me is you have control over so much in your life and that is where you should focus your attention. Not on the things you don’t. Sometimes is seems like a fine line and sometimes things you think you have control over you really don’t and vice versa. But needlessly worrying about those that you don’t is really pointless. Sometimes unavoidable but pointless nonetheless. So I took a few moments and felt the worry and anger. I went through the thoughts and feelings and then let them go. Or as best I can. I changed my focus onto the little bits of positive I can find in my life and it has really helped minimize the negative emotions. It’s not easy but I suppose nothing that is worth it ever is. It takes practice and time and I have had a lot of that in the past 7 months. Life is definitely chucking lemons at me and damn it I’m gonna make lemonade!

Who you calling broken?

I read a quote today that said “you are not broken and do not need fixed” -Joshua Estrin
It got me thinking about the implications of viewing yourself as broken and how it would impact how you would go about living your life. I have always thought of myself as damaged, having a lot of emotional baggage and broken. And that notion implies that there is something wrong with you that needs fixed. That you aren’t whole, you are missing a part of you and you need to find/fix that missing piece. It implies that you are a victim of your circumstance and past and that inherently because of that you are no longer a complete, whole, healthy individual. Like you can’t live a happy healthy life because of something that happened in your past that you have to make better. But the truth is the past is unfixable. It is what it is. You can’t go back and change it. Instead you have to come to terms with what happened and be able to move on in a forward direction. You have to be able to accept it as a part of who you were and decide if you want it to affect who you are now. You can hold on to the past grievances and use them as justification for your brokenness and behavior or you can let them go.

And if you think about it isn’t everyone damaged/broken/maimed by things that have happened to them over the course of their life? There is no such thing as a perfect life. Hasn’t everyone had their hard times and scuffles? How is one persons’ ‘damage’ any less or more so then the next? So why do we feel damaged or broken or less than instead of just human? Human beings all go through strife and struggle. Human beings have lessons learned and become stronger from those lessons. Human beings give out their hearts and sometimes it doesn’t work out. Isn’t that all a part of being human? But can’t we thrive in spite of all that? Just because someone had a bad childhood or divorce or a loved one die or whatever hardship they suffered through, why does that somehow imply that there is no good to be found in their life after? Why does that have to mean that there is now something ‘wrong’ with them and that they are now somehow less than they were before? Doesn’t that just make you smarter, stronger, more adaptable to change, more appreciative of the good that is in your life? And if it doesn’t isn’t that the real cause for the brokenness? That you somehow couldn’t find a way to rise above the struggle and instead made it part of who you are. You can go through a trauma and it doesn’t have to break you, you can instead become stronger and better because of it. And the beauty of it all is YOU get to decide. You have the control over that part of the equation.

Everyone has a past and I think it is more what you chose to do with that past rather then what it contains, that makes all the difference. Bad things happen to people but it is how they handle those bad things that determines what kind of person they are. You cannot control what life throws at you but you can control how you react and handle what is thrown. It seems so simple to just change your mind about how you think of things but it makes all the difference in the world and it is a lot harder then it sounds. You have to start going against all that you thought was so. You have to fight against what feels like a natural instinct and change the way you see a given situation. So I decided today on my quest of getting through my emotional baggage I will no longer refer to myself as broken/damaged/not whole. I’m the same person I was before the divorce just smarter, stronger, and much much tougher. It does not define me and it will not make me a victim of that circumstance. I accept the situation for what it is and I will learn my lesson and move on. It has not damaged or broken me. I have to let something do that and I refuse.

Who are you?

I was told today by my doctor that she didn’t recognize me. I’m not sure how different I look from last September but apparently enough for her to comment. I had a regular listener from the radio station to drop something off and she asked me if I was someone else. I said no I’m Buffy and she said “oh my goodness I didn’t recognize you, you look so different.” I can’t really remember the last time she was in but maybe late last summer, early fall. It wasn’t until my doctor commented too that I really thought about it. Did I look that different? I was pretty tan then with all the running and outdoor bootcamp. My hair was lighter. But I can’t imagine that my hair being a bit darker and my skin more pale would make me unrecognizable. I have lost 10 lbs and I know on a short girl like me that can make a difference.

The more I think about it I wonder how much it has to do with how much happier and at ease I feel. I’m sure that how good I feel emotionally has to translate on the outside. I supposed with you lose a toxic person in your life you are bound to feel and look different. Sure I have to deal with my share of the drama now but my life over all is so much more at peace and happy. I look forward to my future and all the things I can accomplish. I no longer dread the days and just pass them like they don’t matter. Like me and my life don’t matter. I used to think because I didn’t matter to him, that I didn’t matter. I’ve learned a lot in the last 7 months and I have to tell you I never imagined I could be this happy 7 months out. I suppose it has so much to do with your outlook and perspective.

So look around you today. Are you living the life you want? What is holding you back? Are you radiating happiness because you feel it inside? How could you make changes so that you do? Maybe it’s not that I’m happier. Maybe it is because I’m paler, darker hair, less 10 lbs. But I’d like to think that my life and happiness has something to do with it :)