Welcome to my blog!

I am Buffy, I live in Iowa with my kitty cat Meowshine and stay rather busy trying to be healthy, eating right, working out, working my full-time job and running my own custom jewelry business on the side. Thanks for coming along for the ride :)

Friday, November 2, 2012

Am I enough?

Things have been going well for me. Moving forward, getting things done, trying to put everything in their place. I’m trying to change things I have control over and let things go I don’t. Life is all about what you make of it, I’m trying to make it great. Maybe that is the perfectionist in me talking… So as I struggle with the anxiety and trying to come to peace with myself and where I am, I have thought a lot about how my past is still influencing my present. I mean it is a given to a certain extent. We are who we are because the past has led us here. All the parts that make up who we are, it was made from all the places, the people, the memories from our past. The past brings us to where we are now. But it doesn’t have to dictate the direction we go. It doesn’t have to tell us that if we failed in the past, we will fail again. We get to direct our sails in any direction we can and really it is up to us to decide. Humans are capable of change, believe it or not. I have hope in my heart that I can make things different for myself. Not so long ago I found myself in a dead marriage that I didn’t even realize had died. I was so consumed in my own stuff that I didn’t see what was going on around me. Truth is I didn’t care. I had been hurt by him so much and so often and I just didn’t care anymore. Not like I should have. I didn’t look at him the way a wife should look at her husband, I know that now. I didn’t think he was the best thing ever, the person I was meant to be with forever, my best friend. I didn’t think I deserved that so it didn’t faze me that he was none of those things. It’s so sad to me that I put myself in that situation and that it ended so badly. I realize how much of the fault is mine and how badly I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. At the very core of who I am, I’m terrified that A. is going to leave me. Not because of what he is or how he treats me or a gut feeling because of him. It is based solely on my past and my self esteem issues. I know that, I’m conscious of it but that doesn’t make me self sabotage any less. I can see myself doing it, I can see myself shutting down, it’s ugly and I don’t want to watch but I do it. It’s like I can’t stop myself. Like this hurt inner child runs this show and she’s gonna do whatever it takes to protect us. To protect my heart and make sure it doesn’t get blown up again. She’s kind of a drama queen like that. I love that little girl in me, I do but she has got to stop this. I don’t want to lose him because I can’t get out of my own way. The truth is I am crazy madly in love with A. He is everything I never knew I wanted in someone else. Every time I look at him I think he is the best thing ever. He is my favorite person in the whole world and I cannot get enough of him. He treats me better than I have ever been treated before. He makes me so incredibly happy. I catch myself smiling for no reason at all besides the fact that he loves me too. I know this kind of love doesn’t happen all the time and to get that person to feel the same about you really doesn’t happen often. I know I’m lucky, I know what I have is special, I know that I want to be with him forever and I love him with my whole heart. But there is this fear that in spite of all that, in spite of my best efforts, that it won’t be enough. Because I’m not enough. As the title on my blog tells you, I have always struggled with not feeling like I’m enough. It is one of those core values, core beliefs that I have carried with me since the beginning of time. It’s something I have the hardest time shaking. Even when I love myself and want an awesome life for myself. There is this small, nagging voice reminding me of that fact. It’s not a fact, I know that, I know what I am capable of. I know that I can do great things with my life and I know A. is just as lucky to have me as I am to have him. Sure I mess up but I also am giving this all I have. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe I don’t have it all to give to him. Maybe my heart was more critically broken then I thought. Maybe I don’t have it in me to truly love him with my whole heart. Maybe I just love him with all that is left of it. Maybe with his help, his love, his tenderness we can find the other pieces or fix it or transfuse some other pieces to make it whole again. Maybe we can do something together to make me whole again. Because for the first time in my life I have someone who I know backs me up 100%, who will always be there (as long as I let him) and will help me pick up whatever pieces are left. Because he believes in me and loves me that much. Trust me, I know how lucky I am. So here I am. Putting that negative sentiment out of me in hopes that if I give it a voice and hear how crazy I sound that I will be able to overcome the nagging voice I can’t seem to shut up. I’m hoping by saying what I’m afraid of that I can get it out of me and move on. I read somewhere that if a relationship does fail it’s going to hurt either way. If you put 100% in, if you trust them completely, if you love them like crazy at least then it stands a chance. If you half ass it, if you don’t give your partner the best of you, if you cut them down, there is no way it could last. I mean seriously, how could it? Me pushing A. away, not giving him a fair chance, not being open and myself, me shutting down and not communicating with him is not going to help us. If he leaves me because something I did it’s not going to hurt any less than if he left even when I gave him everything I had, when I gave my best effort, my everything. One just leaves me with way more regrets. So why not have no regrets. The hurt is still going to hurt. I have no control over what he is going to do all I know is I will never give up on what we have. And that has to be enough. I have to be enough. As I let my worrying and anxiety go, I have to know I don’t have control over what is going to happen in the future. All I can do is try my best, learn from my mistakes and hope for the best. I have found the one that my soul loves and I can’t give that anything less than all I’ve got. I don’t want to live with that kind of regret. I owe it to that little girl inside me to prove that voice wrong. I need to show her that we are loved and enough for someone to stay for a very long time. I won’t give up on us