Purging baggage?

I can’t help but think today of all days, when is appropriate to share the deep dark stuff you don’t want to tell your new partner. Today is a painful anniversary for me and I can’t help but wonder what/when you disclose those things. Let’s be honest that seems to always be a struggle for me. The new BF knows slightly about it but nothing too in depth and maybe that is enough. I’m sure like most other things you have to take the opportunity when it naturally arises but I also wonder when something like today rolls around, if that is an opportunity to disclose a bit more of some of those things. But how much is too much and how little is just enough? For someone who is an open book it is a struggle to find the balance. By nature I want to spill it all and let them take it and do with it what they will. But I realize that too much is not a good strategy either. What’s a girl (who wears her heart on her sleeve) to do?

We all have crap in our closet. Stuff we aren’t proud of, stuff we wished we could change, stuff that impacted us in dramatic way that we were never the same after, stuff we wished that hadn’t happened but did and now are a part of us. Does any of that past crap really matter now? Do you have to disclose all of that, some of that, just the parts that make you look good? I mean by nature it seems that is exactly what we want to do until we have them hooked, then you drop the bag of crazy on them. Oh wait, is that just me? But if you are going to be seriously with that other person, shouldn’t they know where you are coming from, what made you into the beautifully broken creature you are today? Shouldn’t they know the past that formed you into the person they just might fall in love with? Shouldn’t they know that before so they can make a knowledgeable decision about whether they want to be with you forever? I think I would want the same.

When you find yourself in a new relationship you are trying to portray yourself in the best light possible. You are this beautiful, perfect, amazing, easy going girl who is so much fun to be around and doesn’t have any baggage at all. You don’t have meltdowns, you don’t have bodily habits that you don’t want them to know about, you wear cute underwear all the time in case they might see them, you are as perfect of a version of yourself as you can get. Eventually though, that facade will crack and they will start seeing those not so perfect parts of you. Do I really need to help that along?

I’m very aware that I’m not perfect but I also know that I have some amazing qualities and I want to highlight those as much as possible. I don’t think that is deceitful or dishonest but I also know eventually he will see those not so perfect parts of me if he sticks around long enough. And that is probably where the real relationship begins in all honesty and I can’t make the inevitable not happen. I’m human after all. So that makes me think how much is too much and when is that too soon. If he isn’t going to be my one and only forever, does he need to know any of that stuff anyway? Maybe I need to wait until things progress into something more before I worry about any of this anyways. Could I be getting ahead of myself? That doesn’t sound like me at all *cough, cough*

For now I suppose all this is hypothetical because I don’t feel emotionally ready to disclose some of this deeply personal, painful stuff. Until the moment feels right I probably won’t even attempt to get into this crap and for now that is ok with me. Until then I can ponder if any of my past is really relevant in who I am today and if it even bares repeating. Plus I’m sure there will be plenty of time to let that stuff divulge over time. At least I hope so. It’s all about slowly unwrapping my brand of crazy as to not overwhelm the new dude :) Slow and steady, right?