I'm just winging it

Has it really been since May that I have checked in here? I suppose it has been a busy summer between work, my internship and spending time with friends and family. So please forgive me. One of my goals was to blog more and that just has not happened. Obviously. I have spent the better part of the summer in a weird emotional funk and have slowly been coming out of it. I think a lot of my emotions have been involved in this new relationship and trying to figure out where my life is going and how the new BF will fit into that. It’s been a lot of figuring out who is really there for me and making places in my life for people who actually have my best interest at heart. At 30, I thought I’d have these lessons learned by now but I suppose learning is a life long endeavor. I’m crazy in love with the new BF and have never felt this way before about anyone in my life and that is wonderful. It’s so amazing to feel so head over heels with such an awesome person and to have those feelings reciprocated. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. But even though I was in a long term relationship and married, I struggle with the fact I have no idea what it means to be a partner in a good, healthy relationship. I find myself feeling so insecure in what I’m doing and falling back on old patterns that I know are nothing but destructive and hurtful. I’m conscious of it so that has got to help but it’s annoying. The new BF is amazingly patient and sweet with me so I know things will turn out well but it doesn’t help that I’m always second guessing myself. Always questioning myself and not trusting myself to make the right/healthy decision. I’ve started to focus more on the positives I bring into a relationship, focus on what is going on between us (not on how I read into things based on my past) and just hope for the best. I suppose there is a lot in life like that. Things you actually don’t have any idea of what you are doing but stumbling your way through. We are all doing that to one extent or the other in a lot of areas of our lives. Trying different things out and hoping for the best outcome. In December I’ll graduate from school and then who knows where my life will take me. I hope where ever it is, he will be along with the ride. But regardless of how any of this turns out I know that I’m strong, lovable, and will make it through what ever life has to throw at me. Hopefully with a cute boy at my side :)