Trust

I don’t trust myself. I’ve known this for a while but I don’t think I realized how far it reached and how many aspects of my life it affected. I mean it’s hard to trust yourself when you lead yourself willingly into a life that you should have realized much sooner was a mistake. That you can make yourself believe that a bad relationship is good enough, that you at some point didn’t care enough for yourself to make yourself happy. That you could wake each morning exhausted from the fight and still keep your self believing that this whole deal is ok. So it all makes sense to me that I wouldn’t trust myself when it comes to picking out another dude. But why it is so far reaching in so many aspects of my life? I’m understandably a little gun shy. When you’ve made a devastating mistake before, it makes you really scared to make another mistake and makes you really cautious in other aspects of your life. I mean yes you have survived something like that but you also know how terrible and debilitating that feels. It’s a place you don’t want to go back to, you want to avoid it at all costs and you do whatever you can to ensure your safety. It all makes sense to me. But when it comes to myself not trusting myself in other parts of my life I’m confused. Romantic relationships can be messy and emotional and to an extent I was ok with cutting that part of my emotional life off because I didn’t trust myself to make a good decision. I know I was needy and I need someone to prove to me that there was nothing wrong with me. That I wasn’t the one at fault for the cheating. That I was desirable and lovable and wanted. But I knew that I couldn’t put that on some other dude. That was never going to make that part of me ok. I had to heal that. And now I feel so grateful that I took that time because now I’m with an amazing guy who loves me more than I ever thought was possible. I gave him a chance because I was healed and I didn’t need him to love me or want me or make me happy. He just does and it is such an added perk to my life. But I digress. I need to learn to trust my gut and do what is best for me. I need to know that I have the intellect and abilities that I will be fine with the decisions I make. I have to be able to trust myself enough to know that I can make a decision and that I won’t always fail. And if I do happen to ‘fail’, if in my mind I made a mistake, I know that I have what it takes to make changes to pick myself back up and start over. I’m good at starting over. I know I can create the most beautiful life out of ashes. I have done it before and I can do it again. I’m strong like that. I can’t always believe I’m going to fail, that the worst will happen, that everything will fall apart. You know what? Sometimes it doesn’t. Actually most of the time it doesn’t, so why not embrace what could go right instead of what could go wrong? I need to be able to trust that I have done the right thing in my life and sometimes things will go my way. Sometimes you have to have faith in the universe that it will put you where you need to be and that things will work out. I forgot all about that. I was relying solely on myself and it was daunting. Sometimes timing, luck, karma, the universe, God, my guardian angel, will align and things will work out just like they should. After all the bad that has happened it makes it hard for me to believe that the good can also happen for me. It’s silly really. Life is all about that balance. Maybe it is time for that balance to be good for a while.