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I am Buffy, I live in Iowa with my kitty cat Meowshine and stay rather busy trying to be healthy, eating right, working out, working my full-time job and running my own custom jewelry business on the side. Thanks for coming along for the ride :)



Thursday, October 25, 2012

Finding my place in the world

I’ve been so afraid of the changes that are coming up in my life that it has stopped me from doing anything. I was paralyzed in fear and the worst part is I didn’t even fully realize it. I was hiding behind the comfort of my life and I didn’t want to move forward. It will be good but scary at the same time. I mean I’m looking at changing so much of my life and that is scary. Especially for someone who feels she needs to be in control of every aspect of her life. The thing is I really like my life as it is now. I mean yes I will really enjoy not working and doing my internship and actually having free time. But I like things as they are now and I just wonder how all these changes will affect things. I really like living where I live (while it has very apparent draw backs…like running into people I really would rather never see again). I’m comfortable here, I know where things are, I know what I like to do, I like the routine of it all. I’m so scared what these changes mean for the BF and me. I love him to pieces and the way our relationship is now. What happens when we move? Will he really move where ever I go? What about his dog and my poor kitty? What is going to happen with them? Are they going to get along when we live together? What if he doesn’t like the town where I get a job? What if I don’t like the job I get? Or the place we live? What if it drives us apart? What if he can’t find a job he likes there? What if it is really far from my family and how will I juggle that? What if, what if, what if… Those are some of the thoughts roaming around in my head. They had me so scared to even start applying for jobs; I didn’t even know where to start. So in my attempts to stop the worrying and anxiety this week, I set a goal of applying for 5 jobs this week. I have done that so that has definitely helped relieve some of the pressure. I decided I was just going to have to start applying where there was a job that sounded interesting to me, that I seemed to meet the qualifications for and to widen what I was looking for. I’m hopeful today and that is good. It’s a nice feeling. I feel more motivated than I have in while and it feels so nice. I guess I decided to not let all that stuff hold me back anymore. Life is all about the unknown. You have to be able to move forward and not just be stuck in the place you are. Each day brings you closer to where you want to be and closer to death, so you can’t waste it. I don’t want to waste my time here. If the BF and I don’t work out, sure I’ll be crushed but I’ll survive. I have picked up my pieces before and I can do that again. Of course nothing about how he is or how we are makes me feel like that is a real option but there is that self doubt in me that says he is a boy and he will leave. Sigh. If I don’t like my job at least I’ll have the experience and I can keep looking for something I will like. I have to start somewhere and I made that tiny step in the right direction. The point is all those things that I worry about may or may not happen. I can’t let the ‘what ifs’ hold me in a place that keeps me from moving my life forward. I only got the one and damn it I’m not wasting it. So I’m trying the best I can for the type A, control wanting heart of mine to embrace the unknown. To calm down and let life happen. To guide it in a way I can be proud of but also in a way that I can watch it unfold. Just another part of my anxiety ridding puzzle.

1 comment:

  1. I guess I'd have to ask first, I assume you guys had a discussion about where he'd be willing to move when you apply for these jobs? If so and he said he'd move anywhere then go with it! Don't over think it!

    If you haven't, then do it now. If he's said he'd like to keep it within XX amount of miles of home then decide if that's something you can stick with and go from there.

    This is what you went to school for, he knows that so give the universe a little credit that things are spinning in your favor this time around. ;)

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