New Year, New post

I know this blog has been a lot of different things but I guess for the new year I have decided to focus on my personal life, how I’m rebuilding that after the divorce and what kinds of issues I have had to wade through to get where I am. I think I had decided that later last year actually. Anyways to say this road hasn’t been easy would be an understatement but I have survived worse and I knew I would be able to survive this. To be at this point a year and 4 months later seems amazing that I am as ok as I am. Don’t get me wrong, I know I still have shit to wade through but to have the heavy stuff done is astonishing to me. It makes me proud to be as emotionally healthy as I am for where I came from. Who knew?

2012 is going to be an amazing year. I’ll be turning 30 in February. I start my final class semester at Iowa State this week. I will do my internship this summer and graduate. I will hopefully find a new job in the field I’m studying. Among all the other goals I have set for myself (like running another half marathon) this year is going to be awesome. I know there will probably be some bumps in the road along the way but I feel like where I have been will help me appreciate it all the more. But I’m going to make this an amazing year.

To start the year off great…I had a guy to kiss at midnight which made this girl extremely happy. I have been seeing him for a bit now and I’m really starting to like him. He’s quiet and cute and funny and I have really enjoyed getting to know him. We have a lot of fun together and so far I really like what I know about him. He knows the basics of my situation and seems to be ok with it so I’m going with it. I have my fears of course. I guess anytime you may put your heart out there, you are going to have fears about what might happen. But I can’t let that fear lead the way.

I’m scared he isn’t going to like me as much as I like him because of the guy I was seeing this summer. I’m scared that something in my past, something about me will scare him away. I’m afraid that if I let him in, if I get too invested it’s all going to end. Of course my fears are rational. That is all I have ever known, that is the way I have been conditioned up until this point. But I also know I can’t live my life that way. I can’t be so scared that I throw something potentially really good away. I have to be smart and cautious for sure but I also have to be open and vulnerable to something that could be amazing. For now he is serving a purpose for me and I like how he makes me feel.

I’m trying not think about how he might fit into my life forever. I want to enjoy whatever this is for as long as it lasts. Not always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not always wondering if he likes me. Not fearing that whatever he finds out about me is going to drive him running far away. I focus on the here, the now and hope for the best. It makes me realize how much more ready I am to be with someone. How not ready I was this summer. How the past has affected me in ways that I didn’t even realize yet. But how willing I actually am to be with someone.

I never thought I would get to this point. I didn’t think I had it in me. But I realized that I can’t make everyone else pay for someone else’s mistake. I can’t assume that every guy is like my ex’s. That they all cheat, that they are all bad people. I had to look at my part in those relationships, realize I picked them, I let them into my life and my heart and that I can choose differently in the future. It all starts with who I choose to pick. Which is exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. I want to be smart enough to see what kinds of things I chose not to see before. All those red flags that I chose to over look. I want to make sure that I pick a guy that is worthy of me and it’s hard to realize that I chose people before that weren’t. That I didn’t think enough of myself to choose someone who would treat me the way they did. But the great thing is I’m different now. I love myself enough to not need someone else to tell me how amazing I am. I know I am. I know I have worth whether someone loves me or not. Whether someone throws me away or not. Whether someone else can see it or not. I am lovable and worthy of that love. I am not defined by my past and who I chose in the past. As long as I learned my lessons from it, it’s the here and now that matter.

So for the New Year I’m focused on living in the here and now. Enjoying myself and figuring it out along the way. This path is new to me and I’m going to have the most fun I can while I skip down it. I’m giddy, what can I say? I have a new boy, who makes me feel good and is absolutely adorable. Only time will tell where any of this will lead but I’m definitely enjoying myself while I can :)