Label me not...

Being 29, divorced and dating definitely has its challenges. Apparently a 29 year old divorcee (who may never want to have kids or get married again) isn’t what most guys’ picture in their mind as their ideal soul mate. Especially when you are trying to date in a college town and main pool of single guys are 22 years old. A lot of people have negative connotations of divorced people and it seems the younger I am and the younger guys I want to date, the more of an issue it is. Not saying I want to bag me a 22 year old but even guys around my age are freaked out by it. The guy I dated this summer was a prime example (he was 29 too). When I have talked to older guys (like mid 30’s) they have seemed to be more ok with it because a lot of them are either divorced or more familiar with it from people they know. I understand it is that whole unknown thing that probably freaks them out but I think people tend to think that if you are divorced somehow you are a failure at relationships. And if you don’t take the time to get to know me and my situation, I suppose that is all you will ever see. But much like other bad circumstances that doesn’t define who I am.

I have heard from a few people that I’m damaged goods. They always say that they mean that in the nicest way. I suppose I don’t take a huge offense to it because I know that I’m not exactly all in one piece. But much like that antique piece of furniture that has chunks of wood missing, it built character and I will never apologize for what others have done to me (or even what I have inflicted myself). I know through all my trials I have grown so much and I think that growing makes me a catch. I’m not the one wallowing in self pity or looking for pity or stuck in the woe is me and what life dealt me. I’m strong and thrived and my life is so much better then it has ever been.

Thankfully the new dude doesn’t seem to feel this way. We talked a bit more about it and I asked if he has an issue with me being divorced. He said point blank no and he knows I’m not this bitter, scorned divorced woman. That is doesn’t define me or define what kind of girlfriend I will be to him (if he lets me). Sure I hate the ex still and wish nothing but awful things on him (apparently someday this will change) but I’m not holding on to the anger or letting what he did still have a huge affect on my life. That is the beauty of all the processing I did, I don’t have to carry that hurt with me. I might have flashbacks but I have control over those things where I can bring myself back to the present and know that this guy is not the ex and I cannot judge him by the same standards. It’s hard for sure, but so worth it. And the fact that I’m ‘damaged’ doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Sure, I might be tender and a little jumpy but I’m perfectly fine. I think you have to view your damage differently if you don’t want it to be something that will hold you back. Yeah this stuff happened but in spite of it I am this happy, healthy, well adjusted (most of the time) person. That is incredibly desirable in a mate, I have to think. All I can be is me and if someone doesn’t like that because of some label they attach to me then I guess that person just isn’t my person then.

At this moment it doesn’t matter because I have a boy interested in me but I can’t help but think about how people view divorced individuals negatively and I think it’s sad. People have no idea the hell those people have been through and instead of judging them, maybe they could see the person for who they are, not what they have been through and have some friggen compassion. I suppose this goes with a lot of things (well within reason). I mean I’m not out to date a convicted child molester or drug addict and hope they change (I’m well aware that you have to accept someone as they are. You cannot hold on to hope that they will change. I wasted the last however many years of my life thinking that) but I’m just saying that mistakes happen. That doesn’t have to define someone for the rest of their life because they messed up once. If they were a certain way in the past and decided to change for the better, why would you pass that person up? I mean if a guy prefers slender girls and found out I was overweight once, I would hate for him to decide I was no longer a desirable option because of that.

Where is all this going? I guess in 15 different ways I’m trying to say don’t judge a book by its cover. You don’t know until you get to know someone what they have been through and when it comes to dating, what kind of partner they could be to you. I think so often we are focused on the things that don’t matter rather then the things that do. You know how everyone has the big old long lists of things they want in someone else, their ‘deal breakers’. The thing is you might have a ton of stuff in common but if there isn’t a spark of chemistry there, does any of that other stuff on the list matter? Then all you have is a friend and I have lots of those anyways. I think there are certainly deal breakers that are truly deal breakers but I think people tend to put emphasis on things that really shouldn’t be on the list of deal breakers. It’s like my mom when she asked me if the new dude is a doctor. She puts emphasis on things to me that don’t matter. Just because someone makes a lot of money or goes to church, does not make them a good person and someone who is going to treat me the way I want to be treated.