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Welcome to my blog!

I am Buffy, I live in Iowa with my kitty cat Meowshine and stay rather busy trying to be healthy, eating right, working out, working my full-time job and running my own custom jewelry business on the side. Thanks for coming along for the ride :)



Monday, October 24, 2011

A new kind of blog...

This blog has taken a lot of different directions since I started it. But a year ago it became something to help me find my way out of a painful divorce I chose not to see coming. It became something to help me find out who Buffy was again and figure it all out. To rebuild me into something better then when I started. But I think I was too scared to put it all out there and it was a shallow at best. I suppose I was too afraid I would hurt or offend someone else. But this is my blog and this is my truth as I see it. I know there are always two sides to every story and this is my side. This is my processing and I will not make any apologizes about that.

Over the last year I have made a lot of head way through a lot of feelings and I know that a lot of that is because of some awesome friends that would listen to me and to my wonderful Sparkpeople family that have been the most loving and supportive people I know. But that platform is a smaller and more restrictive platform and I want to spread my wings. So I’m working on my bravery and posting them here instead.

Divorce is a hard and devastating process. It messes with the very core of who you are or maybe rather who you thought you were. You have to start all over again and it sucks. I can only imagine how much more it sucks with kids. I was lucky to be conscious of the fact that I never wanted to have kids with the ex. To be fair I don’t think I ever want to have kids still (I feel a lot different about it now that he isn’t a part of the equation) but I knew I was never going to have kids with him. I knew he could never be mature enough to be a dad that I would be in that situation all by myself, so how did I ever think he could be a husband? That is why I said I CHOSE not to see it coming. I made up a lot of excuses to make his behavior and actions toward me somehow acceptable. Now I can see how truly miserable I was then and how much his actions affected me, even when I tried so hard to not let them.

One thing I have always tried to do with my life is to take responsibility for my life. Shit happens, I know that. But at some point you have to take your life into your own hands. You life, your happiness, that is all on you. I can rehash why the ex was a shitty husband but I would rather focus on why I let myself stay in such a lonely, unfulfilling relationship for so long. Why did I have such little love and respect for myself to make that kind of relationship to stay in ok? I feel like I started that relationship so young, with such low self esteem, that I never thought I deserved better. The problems started to become much more obvious when I was trying to improve my life and learn to love myself. It was that love that ended up carrying me through the process of the last year and I’m not sure what I would have done without it.

I think it is so important after a break up to take a step back, heal and find the parts in the demise that are your fault. A lot people are quick to blame others for what they did wrong and it is hard to turn the finger around at yourself but I feel like to truly heal and truly grow and to not make the same mistakes over and over again, it is so necessary. I wasn’t perfect and I had my faults too. Lots of them, I know that. But because I choose to see my fault in the relationship I can only hope that if I ever find myself in another relationship again that I will be a better girlfriend because I learned my lessons. Those major, tragic mistakes are often times the best teachers. Those lessons will stay with you forever if you take the time to learn from them.

2 comments:

  1. It stinks we have to go through something that devastating but you deserved better than staying in a marriage that wasn't what it should've been. In the end, that creep did you a favor and now your life is shaping into something wonderful that is just for you! A willing, TRUE partner in the future will have a better version of you because you will have learned not only about yourself but what you want out of a relationship.

    Screw offending people, if they don't like what you write, they don't have to read it! ;)

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  2. Sometimes it takes us finally seeing that we need to love ourselves more before we realize that we are in relationships where we're not loved enough either.

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