Deep thoughts for a Monday

The last few months I have been feeling rather lost, like I was searching and searching for myself and I could not find her anywhere. I remembered the glimmer of who I was and what I wanted to be but could not seem to find her anywhere. Where the hell did she go? The more I searched, the more lost I felt. I could not seem to grasp why I was so unhappy and why I felt so lost. It seemed to sudden and was so confusing. I fell into that trap…the ‘once (fill in the blank) happens then I’ll be happy’ trap and it’s a bitch to get out of. Mine was… ‘Once I graduate’ ‘Find a job’ ‘Move away’ ‘Hit my goal weight’…just to name a few. I wasn’t focused on the here, the now. I wasn’t focused on what made me happy with my life as it was. I was always looking to the future and when I got to a certain place and then I’d finally be happy. After graduation, I found myself severely let down and here I was waiting for my life to start. Waiting for (fill in the blank) to happen. And I was beyond annoyed with myself. I suppose that is what happens when you’re purposeful in your life. When you take the time to figure out where you are going, where you want to be and when you want your life to go fantastic places. At least I had figured out a long time ago that waiting on someone else to make you happy was the quickest way to be miserable. I knew that I had to be happy with myself to be happy with anyone else and I’m thankful I learned that lesson because I don’t think I could be as happy as I am now in my current relationship. That and he is totally awesome…that sure helps :) Anyway, I digress. I think you also have to realize that you have to be happy where you are right now in your life and when the other stuff finally happens you can be happy there too. It makes sense now that I realized it. At the time though it was a downward spiral I had no way out of. Its part of appreciating what you have and not always looking to the things you want. I mean it’s good to have goals and to work toward something but that can’t be the only key to your happiness either. One other important part I’m starting to realize is you can’t compare your journey with anyone else’s. You have to be willing to love your life how it is, not how you think it should be. On the outside maybe people would not define my life as a success up until this point because I’m 31, just graduated from school, looking to start over in a career, being divorce, renting an apartment and still finding my way. It starts to mess with your head when you see your peers at different points in their lives. But the truth is I’m just as happy in my life and maybe even more then some of my friends are that own their houses, have careers and are married with babies. Those are not the only markers to success. A lot of times you are made to believe that but it is not true. I’m brave enough to start over when I found my life miserable. I love myself enough to want to be happy and grow in a positive direction. I have a life that I am proud of and I will continue to be proud with whatever steps I take to make my life all I know it can be. I won’t be afraid because of what others think or be discouraged by what they say. This is my life and I decide what makes me happy. So the moral of this story is this is YOUR life and your story. Not anyone else's. You have to live your life for you and do what you know will make you happy. You have to appreciate what you have while you have it. Grow and change and become the person you want to be but don’t lose sight of what is in your life right now and the parts of you that will always remain. You are not a failure if you keep trying. And it’s never too late to start over again. Don’t be afraid to do what it takes to reach your goals and dreams. You can’t be too afraid to try because you’ll always regret it. Be a person the child version of you would be proud of. We are all works in progress but that is the most important, that you are progressing. No one wants to stand still. If in 10 years you are at the same point in your life you’d be so pissed. I know I would. Don’t compare your life to someone else's. So go do all those things you were too afraid to do. You only have today, this moment, so make it count.

Birthday Ramblings...

My birthday is coming up this weekend. Yay, another year older and another chance to re-evaluate and change things. I know, I’m such a dork that these things excite me. It makes me think back on other birthdays, how far I’ve come since them and where I want my life to go in the future. I can’t predict what my future holds but I know where I want to go and I know that I’m going to fight hard for what I deserve. If I’ve learned anything in this life it’s that you have to fight for what is right for you, no one else is going to do that for you. You have to be your own hero, save yourself and be your own cheerleader. You are the one that has to move your own life forward. You are in charge of your happiness and I definitely choose to be happy. Appreciate what you have, change the things that you don’t like/want in your life and keep it moving. Sometimes in that process you figure out who is really in your corner, who you want to keep in your corner and who you might have underestimated. Over the last few years I have learned who my real friends are, I have learned how much I can depend on my family and what part I play in those relationships (good and bad). I’ve learned over time where I have to stand my ground and I know that people who truly are my friends are willing to go with me on my journey. They are willing to stand by my side in the unknown, the unstable ground and sometimes help me along. They believe in me when I don’t believe in my self. These are the people who remind me of who I am when I forget. They give me advice when I’m too emotional to see things clearly. They tell me what I need to hear and in a way that makes sure I hear it. These are the people who have seen the very best and worse of me and they remind me of all those good things in me. They tell me when I’m being ridiculous and bring back to reality. A lot of people have fallen out of my life and I know that it was for the best. I know the people who are left are the ones I care about giving my energy to and that I get that back from them. I’ll never be sorry about the time I spent with the people that are no longer a part of my life but I also won’t be sorry for where I stand now. I won’t apologize for the journey I had to take and I won’t justify the reasons that I am where I am now. That’s the thing with your true friends, you don’t have to. They know you, they listen to you, they get you in ways sometimes you don’t even get yourself. They know that you are a good person with a kind heart and they can interrupt your actions through that lens. I’m lucky for the wonderful people I have in my life and I’m glad I learned the lessons I need to from the people who are no longer here. I think life is really what you make of it. I know that I have a lot of potential to do great things and it is up to me to push and believe in myself enough to do those things. I can let things stand in my way or I can fight for what is right for me. I know that I’m stronger than I let on to be and I can do whatever it takes to make things happen. I know that my life is up in the air right now since I graduated from school but I know that I’m on my way to great places. It just takes some time and I have to be patient. I know that I have good people in my life behind me and I know that it will all work out in the end. I’m excited for my birthday and to celebrate with a few close friends. I’m excited to get away for the weekend to celebrate another birthday gone and another awesome year to come. If 31 is anything like 30 has been, then I will be a happy girl. I have a family that loves me, friends that are awesome and the best boyfriend in the world. What more can a girl ask for?

Psst...

Ok this underlying yuckiness has got to get the hell out. I have so much to be happy about yet I have this little voice in my head making me feel down and it has to stop. Today, I’m telling that bitch to GTFO I’m sorry but I can’t have her constantly telling me that I shouldn’t be proud, that I suck, that I’m gonna mess everything up, that I’m not good enough. Just because she is afraid of succeeding, doesn’t mean I am. Just because she hates taking risks and tries to tell me I shouldn’t risk anything either, that doesn’t mean I’m gonna listen. Doesn’t she know I stopped listening to her a long time ago? Doesn’t she know how strong I am and I do what I want? Doesn’t she know that she has no power over me? Stupid bitch. The thing is she doesn’t care about any of that. She is a relentless whore who just keeps trying to chip away at my confidence. I used to let her get the best of me but I don’t any more. She just caught me at a weak moment so she almost slipped back in but I’m too tough for that crap. See what I’m saying, she’s dumb. Like I said, I have so much to be happy about. I’m graduating with my bachelor’s degree, I’m interviewing for jobs (had an interview with a job I really REALLY want yesterday), my one year anniversary in Friday with the best boyfriend in the entire world, I’m getting ready to go on a super fun trip, and I just have the best people in my life. I can’t let her negative voice get my feeling anything but excited and happy about all of that. I guess it is all about rebuilding me and some times I slide back into a person I wasn’t proud to be. It’s all an ongoing process. So this is what I’m doing to shut her up… I’m going to focus on all the great things in my life, remind myself of what I have to be thankful for. I’m going to focus on the things I do have control over and fix the things I can. I’m going to do what I can with what I have and that’s it. I’m going to let myself feel happy and proud of what I have accomplished over these last two and a half years. I can’t focus on the bad that has happened and I won’t let that take away from what I did. What I did, all on my own, in spite of that crap. So here is to celebrating an awesome year. One that I can be proud of and that I got to see so many of my dreams come true. Hopefully in 2013 all kinds of good things will come!

Am I enough?

Things have been going well for me. Moving forward, getting things done, trying to put everything in their place. I’m trying to change things I have control over and let things go I don’t. Life is all about what you make of it, I’m trying to make it great. Maybe that is the perfectionist in me talking… So as I struggle with the anxiety and trying to come to peace with myself and where I am, I have thought a lot about how my past is still influencing my present. I mean it is a given to a certain extent. We are who we are because the past has led us here. All the parts that make up who we are, it was made from all the places, the people, the memories from our past. The past brings us to where we are now. But it doesn’t have to dictate the direction we go. It doesn’t have to tell us that if we failed in the past, we will fail again. We get to direct our sails in any direction we can and really it is up to us to decide. Humans are capable of change, believe it or not. I have hope in my heart that I can make things different for myself. Not so long ago I found myself in a dead marriage that I didn’t even realize had died. I was so consumed in my own stuff that I didn’t see what was going on around me. Truth is I didn’t care. I had been hurt by him so much and so often and I just didn’t care anymore. Not like I should have. I didn’t look at him the way a wife should look at her husband, I know that now. I didn’t think he was the best thing ever, the person I was meant to be with forever, my best friend. I didn’t think I deserved that so it didn’t faze me that he was none of those things. It’s so sad to me that I put myself in that situation and that it ended so badly. I realize how much of the fault is mine and how badly I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. At the very core of who I am, I’m terrified that A. is going to leave me. Not because of what he is or how he treats me or a gut feeling because of him. It is based solely on my past and my self esteem issues. I know that, I’m conscious of it but that doesn’t make me self sabotage any less. I can see myself doing it, I can see myself shutting down, it’s ugly and I don’t want to watch but I do it. It’s like I can’t stop myself. Like this hurt inner child runs this show and she’s gonna do whatever it takes to protect us. To protect my heart and make sure it doesn’t get blown up again. She’s kind of a drama queen like that. I love that little girl in me, I do but she has got to stop this. I don’t want to lose him because I can’t get out of my own way. The truth is I am crazy madly in love with A. He is everything I never knew I wanted in someone else. Every time I look at him I think he is the best thing ever. He is my favorite person in the whole world and I cannot get enough of him. He treats me better than I have ever been treated before. He makes me so incredibly happy. I catch myself smiling for no reason at all besides the fact that he loves me too. I know this kind of love doesn’t happen all the time and to get that person to feel the same about you really doesn’t happen often. I know I’m lucky, I know what I have is special, I know that I want to be with him forever and I love him with my whole heart. But there is this fear that in spite of all that, in spite of my best efforts, that it won’t be enough. Because I’m not enough. As the title on my blog tells you, I have always struggled with not feeling like I’m enough. It is one of those core values, core beliefs that I have carried with me since the beginning of time. It’s something I have the hardest time shaking. Even when I love myself and want an awesome life for myself. There is this small, nagging voice reminding me of that fact. It’s not a fact, I know that, I know what I am capable of. I know that I can do great things with my life and I know A. is just as lucky to have me as I am to have him. Sure I mess up but I also am giving this all I have. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe I don’t have it all to give to him. Maybe my heart was more critically broken then I thought. Maybe I don’t have it in me to truly love him with my whole heart. Maybe I just love him with all that is left of it. Maybe with his help, his love, his tenderness we can find the other pieces or fix it or transfuse some other pieces to make it whole again. Maybe we can do something together to make me whole again. Because for the first time in my life I have someone who I know backs me up 100%, who will always be there (as long as I let him) and will help me pick up whatever pieces are left. Because he believes in me and loves me that much. Trust me, I know how lucky I am. So here I am. Putting that negative sentiment out of me in hopes that if I give it a voice and hear how crazy I sound that I will be able to overcome the nagging voice I can’t seem to shut up. I’m hoping by saying what I’m afraid of that I can get it out of me and move on. I read somewhere that if a relationship does fail it’s going to hurt either way. If you put 100% in, if you trust them completely, if you love them like crazy at least then it stands a chance. If you half ass it, if you don’t give your partner the best of you, if you cut them down, there is no way it could last. I mean seriously, how could it? Me pushing A. away, not giving him a fair chance, not being open and myself, me shutting down and not communicating with him is not going to help us. If he leaves me because something I did it’s not going to hurt any less than if he left even when I gave him everything I had, when I gave my best effort, my everything. One just leaves me with way more regrets. So why not have no regrets. The hurt is still going to hurt. I have no control over what he is going to do all I know is I will never give up on what we have. And that has to be enough. I have to be enough. As I let my worrying and anxiety go, I have to know I don’t have control over what is going to happen in the future. All I can do is try my best, learn from my mistakes and hope for the best. I have found the one that my soul loves and I can’t give that anything less than all I’ve got. I don’t want to live with that kind of regret. I owe it to that little girl inside me to prove that voice wrong. I need to show her that we are loved and enough for someone to stay for a very long time. I won’t give up on us

Trust

I don’t trust myself. I’ve known this for a while but I don’t think I realized how far it reached and how many aspects of my life it affected. I mean it’s hard to trust yourself when you lead yourself willingly into a life that you should have realized much sooner was a mistake. That you can make yourself believe that a bad relationship is good enough, that you at some point didn’t care enough for yourself to make yourself happy. That you could wake each morning exhausted from the fight and still keep your self believing that this whole deal is ok. So it all makes sense to me that I wouldn’t trust myself when it comes to picking out another dude. But why it is so far reaching in so many aspects of my life? I’m understandably a little gun shy. When you’ve made a devastating mistake before, it makes you really scared to make another mistake and makes you really cautious in other aspects of your life. I mean yes you have survived something like that but you also know how terrible and debilitating that feels. It’s a place you don’t want to go back to, you want to avoid it at all costs and you do whatever you can to ensure your safety. It all makes sense to me. But when it comes to myself not trusting myself in other parts of my life I’m confused. Romantic relationships can be messy and emotional and to an extent I was ok with cutting that part of my emotional life off because I didn’t trust myself to make a good decision. I know I was needy and I need someone to prove to me that there was nothing wrong with me. That I wasn’t the one at fault for the cheating. That I was desirable and lovable and wanted. But I knew that I couldn’t put that on some other dude. That was never going to make that part of me ok. I had to heal that. And now I feel so grateful that I took that time because now I’m with an amazing guy who loves me more than I ever thought was possible. I gave him a chance because I was healed and I didn’t need him to love me or want me or make me happy. He just does and it is such an added perk to my life. But I digress. I need to learn to trust my gut and do what is best for me. I need to know that I have the intellect and abilities that I will be fine with the decisions I make. I have to be able to trust myself enough to know that I can make a decision and that I won’t always fail. And if I do happen to ‘fail’, if in my mind I made a mistake, I know that I have what it takes to make changes to pick myself back up and start over. I’m good at starting over. I know I can create the most beautiful life out of ashes. I have done it before and I can do it again. I’m strong like that. I can’t always believe I’m going to fail, that the worst will happen, that everything will fall apart. You know what? Sometimes it doesn’t. Actually most of the time it doesn’t, so why not embrace what could go right instead of what could go wrong? I need to be able to trust that I have done the right thing in my life and sometimes things will go my way. Sometimes you have to have faith in the universe that it will put you where you need to be and that things will work out. I forgot all about that. I was relying solely on myself and it was daunting. Sometimes timing, luck, karma, the universe, God, my guardian angel, will align and things will work out just like they should. After all the bad that has happened it makes it hard for me to believe that the good can also happen for me. It’s silly really. Life is all about that balance. Maybe it is time for that balance to be good for a while.

Finding my place in the world

I’ve been so afraid of the changes that are coming up in my life that it has stopped me from doing anything. I was paralyzed in fear and the worst part is I didn’t even fully realize it. I was hiding behind the comfort of my life and I didn’t want to move forward. It will be good but scary at the same time. I mean I’m looking at changing so much of my life and that is scary. Especially for someone who feels she needs to be in control of every aspect of her life. The thing is I really like my life as it is now. I mean yes I will really enjoy not working and doing my internship and actually having free time. But I like things as they are now and I just wonder how all these changes will affect things. I really like living where I live (while it has very apparent draw backs…like running into people I really would rather never see again). I’m comfortable here, I know where things are, I know what I like to do, I like the routine of it all. I’m so scared what these changes mean for the BF and me. I love him to pieces and the way our relationship is now. What happens when we move? Will he really move where ever I go? What about his dog and my poor kitty? What is going to happen with them? Are they going to get along when we live together? What if he doesn’t like the town where I get a job? What if I don’t like the job I get? Or the place we live? What if it drives us apart? What if he can’t find a job he likes there? What if it is really far from my family and how will I juggle that? What if, what if, what if… Those are some of the thoughts roaming around in my head. They had me so scared to even start applying for jobs; I didn’t even know where to start. So in my attempts to stop the worrying and anxiety this week, I set a goal of applying for 5 jobs this week. I have done that so that has definitely helped relieve some of the pressure. I decided I was just going to have to start applying where there was a job that sounded interesting to me, that I seemed to meet the qualifications for and to widen what I was looking for. I’m hopeful today and that is good. It’s a nice feeling. I feel more motivated than I have in while and it feels so nice. I guess I decided to not let all that stuff hold me back anymore. Life is all about the unknown. You have to be able to move forward and not just be stuck in the place you are. Each day brings you closer to where you want to be and closer to death, so you can’t waste it. I don’t want to waste my time here. If the BF and I don’t work out, sure I’ll be crushed but I’ll survive. I have picked up my pieces before and I can do that again. Of course nothing about how he is or how we are makes me feel like that is a real option but there is that self doubt in me that says he is a boy and he will leave. Sigh. If I don’t like my job at least I’ll have the experience and I can keep looking for something I will like. I have to start somewhere and I made that tiny step in the right direction. The point is all those things that I worry about may or may not happen. I can’t let the ‘what ifs’ hold me in a place that keeps me from moving my life forward. I only got the one and damn it I’m not wasting it. So I’m trying the best I can for the type A, control wanting heart of mine to embrace the unknown. To calm down and let life happen. To guide it in a way I can be proud of but also in a way that I can watch it unfold. Just another part of my anxiety ridding puzzle.

New revelation

I have been researching how to get my worrying under control which led me to a word that kept coming up and I never thought as a description for me…Anxiety. I mean it makes sense but I never thought of it that way and now a lot of my feelings and how I deal with them makes so much more sense. I found an article that is supposed to help you deal with the anxiety and constant worry and I think it might help. One of the things I have been focusing on is writing down my worries that way they aren’t just floating around in my head and popping up over and over again. If I had a concrete list that would make it visible what I’m so worried about and help me to figure out where that worry is coming from. You know, the real root cause of it. Also this helps me to figure out how to deal with it. Is there an actual solution to stop the worry or am I just worrying about something that may or may not ever happen. Like worrying about finding a job…easy start applying for jobs Rather than worrying about the BF leaving me because I’m not good enough…that kind of crap just can’t fly. He’s given me no reason to think this and is actually rather amazing and really in love with me. Note to self – don’t mess that up! You see there is the worry that I can do something about and the worry that is just not constructive. The worry I can find solutions for and the worry I have to challenge myself on. It’s been good to start that list. It’s been cleansing and I feel a weight start to lift. Even if that is temporary, it feels good. The thing is I have been running from the things that make me feel better, the things that make everything clear. I hadn’t been working out because of an injury and that is when I sort so many things out. I hadn’t been writing because I was scared to unearth the whys of what I was going through. I’ve been scared of facing the music and I stayed hidden behind the excuses and the rationalizations. Maybe I needed that break from myself. I’m not going to beat myself up over it but I’m back now. I’m ready to deal. I’m ready to move on and be a happier person. I know that so much of me is a bundle of nervous energy. Worrying about others, worrying about how I impact the people around me, trying to be the best person I can be and not allowing for mistakes, being everything I think I should be and at the same time not really knowing who that is. I want to embrace my work in progress, I want to embrace the fact that not everything is in my control and in the end it will all be ok. I want to slow down, I want to enjoy this time in my life. I know I’m scared, that is a part of who I have been most of my life. But you can be scared and still make changes in your life. Change can be good, pushing out of your comfort zone is good. It can all be good. And sometimes it can be bad but you know what, I survived bad before and I’ll do it again. I have a survivor in me and if anything she has grown stronger. She will carry me through the rough times that will happen, that’s life and inevitable. But my worry will not keep it from coming. My worry will only make myself miserable and I’m tried of being my own worst enemy. So worry, know your days are limited. Your residency in my brain is going to be short lived. I will not worry my life away any more. I will get my shit together and focus my energy constructively. You only have this one life to live, why not live it the way you want. The way that makes you happy. The way that you will be proud of in the end. Part of that for me is stopping the anxiety and breathing deeply. It’s on my radar now, and when you get on my radar I go after you. Hard. Be prepared.