Birthday Ramblings...

My birthday is coming up this weekend. Yay, another year older and another chance to re-evaluate and change things. I know, I’m such a dork that these things excite me. It makes me think back on other birthdays, how far I’ve come since them and where I want my life to go in the future. I can’t predict what my future holds but I know where I want to go and I know that I’m going to fight hard for what I deserve. If I’ve learned anything in this life it’s that you have to fight for what is right for you, no one else is going to do that for you. You have to be your own hero, save yourself and be your own cheerleader. You are the one that has to move your own life forward. You are in charge of your happiness and I definitely choose to be happy. Appreciate what you have, change the things that you don’t like/want in your life and keep it moving. Sometimes in that process you figure out who is really in your corner, who you want to keep in your corner and who you might have underestimated. Over the last few years I have learned who my real friends are, I have learned how much I can depend on my family and what part I play in those relationships (good and bad). I’ve learned over time where I have to stand my ground and I know that people who truly are my friends are willing to go with me on my journey. They are willing to stand by my side in the unknown, the unstable ground and sometimes help me along. They believe in me when I don’t believe in my self. These are the people who remind me of who I am when I forget. They give me advice when I’m too emotional to see things clearly. They tell me what I need to hear and in a way that makes sure I hear it. These are the people who have seen the very best and worse of me and they remind me of all those good things in me. They tell me when I’m being ridiculous and bring back to reality. A lot of people have fallen out of my life and I know that it was for the best. I know the people who are left are the ones I care about giving my energy to and that I get that back from them. I’ll never be sorry about the time I spent with the people that are no longer a part of my life but I also won’t be sorry for where I stand now. I won’t apologize for the journey I had to take and I won’t justify the reasons that I am where I am now. That’s the thing with your true friends, you don’t have to. They know you, they listen to you, they get you in ways sometimes you don’t even get yourself. They know that you are a good person with a kind heart and they can interrupt your actions through that lens. I’m lucky for the wonderful people I have in my life and I’m glad I learned the lessons I need to from the people who are no longer here. I think life is really what you make of it. I know that I have a lot of potential to do great things and it is up to me to push and believe in myself enough to do those things. I can let things stand in my way or I can fight for what is right for me. I know that I’m stronger than I let on to be and I can do whatever it takes to make things happen. I know that my life is up in the air right now since I graduated from school but I know that I’m on my way to great places. It just takes some time and I have to be patient. I know that I have good people in my life behind me and I know that it will all work out in the end. I’m excited for my birthday and to celebrate with a few close friends. I’m excited to get away for the weekend to celebrate another birthday gone and another awesome year to come. If 31 is anything like 30 has been, then I will be a happy girl. I have a family that loves me, friends that are awesome and the best boyfriend in the world. What more can a girl ask for?

YAY February!

Yay it’s my birthday month! While I’m slightly less enthused about this birthday (turning 30 and all) I love February and the birthday month! My family has lots of birthdays including my own and I love celebrating birthdays. It’s one of my favorite things in the world. I think everyone should get that one day to have the best time and celebrate that they are here and do whatever they want. While I’m still unsure about actually having a party myself I know I’ll make the day special.

I’m excited for being 30 in certain ways. I get to go to Mexico in March (so excited!!!!). I will finish classes and do my internship. I will graduate from Iowa State (again) and hopefully get a job that is fulfilling and I love (or at least like a lot). I’m sure there will be plenty of races scattered in there including my third half-marathon. There will be lots of fun times and I plan on enjoying them the best I can. All in all being 30 is most likely going to be awesome.

However there is definitely a part of me that is a bit despondent about turning 30. I am not where I thought I would be at 30. Granted back in the day I never had a clear picture of where my life was going to take me but this wasn’t it. As I was at the laundrymat last night doing laundry I couldn’t help but be angry. The place is scary and it’s so not a fun place for a girl to be by herself. I take homework so I can stay busy as I wait but it’s just not fun. I can’t help but think about how I was once a homeowner and why am I now doing laundry at a laundrymat? It’s some of those little things that you lose in a divorce that you don’t realize until later how that affects you. To feel so much like a grown up and in a totally different stage of your life then to go to a different stage in life yet you yourself haven’t really changed, it’s a strange feeling. To be 30, divorced, in school, and in the same life stage as a 22 year old kind of messes with your head. I’ve been 22 before, it wasn’t a place I necessarily wanted to go again.

But then I remember how much better this life is then what my life could have been had my life kept progressing in the way it was. Maybe this isn’t how I imagined 30 but I’m loving how it seems to be shaping up. I may never be the girl who is married and has babies but I might be and which ever way it turns out I’m ok with that. At this point I get to decide all that on my own terms and I know no matter where my life goes I will be happy. And that is one of the best feelings in the world to have. My life is moving in a forward motion and I’ll take that any day to standing still.

I may not have found my own path quite yet and I may still being getting used to this version of myself but I like her a lot. She knows what she wants, she’s not willing to settle for less, she is fearless and brave and strong. And when I really think about it, she is exactly who I wanted to be when I grew up.