The gift of starting over

Holy good God it can hurt but I’m here to tell you that it really can be a gift. If you let it be. You can choose to dwell on your pain and refuse to move forward or you can take the fresh start as a new beginning and do the best with what you have. You tackle it with an open heart and an open mind and even though it does hurt in the beginning, it will get better. So much better. But in the mean time, you have to find it somewhere in yourself to be brave enough to learn your lessons, accept what happened, deal with the pain in the most constructive what you can and move forward with your new life. You have to love yourself enough and want the best for yourself or you’ll make the same mistakes and find yourself stuck in a really ugly place. I’ve been there, I’ve been in total denial before, I have refused to see what was happening around me, I have been stuck and refused to follow my heart. I knew what I needed to do, I knew what was right, but I didn’t trust myself enough to listen. Being in denial doesn’t stop what’s going to happen. It only leaves you blindsided when it does happen. And angry. And pissed because you should have saw it because you should have listened to yourself and now you are just left in a massive amount of pain, confused, scared and picking up pieces. It’s a real sucky place to be. My best advice before you get to your new beginning is to start being honest with yourself. Take a step back and try to view your situation in the most honest and real light you can. Maybe talk to that friend that is willing to be honest and you just wouldn’t listen before. Listen to that nagging feeling you have and trust yourself to make the right decision for you. Know you are brave and strong and can do whatever life has for you. You can endure so much more than you think you can. For me this message provides hope when you might be in a place that there isn’t much. I hope that you know that you will come out the other side and if you try and look out for yourself, you can actually come out the other side happier than ever before. Starting over sucks and for me it was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to deal with. But I’m proud of the life that I have built since then. I might be a work in progress but I’m so proud of how far I have come. And if any of your find yourself starting over you will be proud when you look back too. It takes time, trust the process and keep getting back up. Life will knock you on your ass a lot but you have to be willing to keep getting back up. Proud and strong and never give up. Anyways, I suppose when I saw this as a pin a few days ago it got me to reflect about the last few years of my life, where I was, where I am now and how my new beginning brought me to where I am which I’m really grateful for. This gift I was given brought me to the best place I could ever have imagined. I love my life and the people in it and feel incredibly blessed to call this my life. Starting over taught me a lot of really valuable lessons that helped me get to the life I have and I’m actually grateful for that time of struggle. It taught me to love myself in a time that I didn’t feel very lovable and to trust myself to do what is best for me. It showed me all the crap I thought was acceptable that really wasn’t and what I refuse to put up with ever again. It taught me the real struggles in life and that things really could be worse. And no matter how ‘worse’ it got that I could handle it. Sometimes by the skin of my teeth and taking it second by second but I could endure whatever was thrown my way. And it made me realize you really can’t sweat the small stuff. As clichéd as that is. It taught me how strong I am and just how much I could handle. It taught me who were my true friends are and how much my family loves and supports me. It taught me to be so appreciative of what I have. I am incredibly happy that I could learn my lessons from my past and I know that allowed me to move on like I did. It allowed me to open my heart to someone more fully and allowed me to love someone so much more than I ever dreamed was possible. So the point of the post? Know that there is hope even when you don’t feel like it. That it gets easier. That this new beginning, however painful, will get better. That if you do the work, process your feelings and sort through the ugliness, that it will pay off. It did for me. I have started over so many times in my life, big and small and each time you have to believe enough in yourself that you know it will get better. Because of the changes you are making your life, your end result will be better than when you started. Besides you love yourself enough to fight for the best life you can have. You are worth that struggle to get to a better place. Embrace the gift. It's totally worth it :) The picture at the start of this post I found on pinterest and this was the link attached...

Am I enough?

Things have been going well for me. Moving forward, getting things done, trying to put everything in their place. I’m trying to change things I have control over and let things go I don’t. Life is all about what you make of it, I’m trying to make it great. Maybe that is the perfectionist in me talking… So as I struggle with the anxiety and trying to come to peace with myself and where I am, I have thought a lot about how my past is still influencing my present. I mean it is a given to a certain extent. We are who we are because the past has led us here. All the parts that make up who we are, it was made from all the places, the people, the memories from our past. The past brings us to where we are now. But it doesn’t have to dictate the direction we go. It doesn’t have to tell us that if we failed in the past, we will fail again. We get to direct our sails in any direction we can and really it is up to us to decide. Humans are capable of change, believe it or not. I have hope in my heart that I can make things different for myself. Not so long ago I found myself in a dead marriage that I didn’t even realize had died. I was so consumed in my own stuff that I didn’t see what was going on around me. Truth is I didn’t care. I had been hurt by him so much and so often and I just didn’t care anymore. Not like I should have. I didn’t look at him the way a wife should look at her husband, I know that now. I didn’t think he was the best thing ever, the person I was meant to be with forever, my best friend. I didn’t think I deserved that so it didn’t faze me that he was none of those things. It’s so sad to me that I put myself in that situation and that it ended so badly. I realize how much of the fault is mine and how badly I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. At the very core of who I am, I’m terrified that A. is going to leave me. Not because of what he is or how he treats me or a gut feeling because of him. It is based solely on my past and my self esteem issues. I know that, I’m conscious of it but that doesn’t make me self sabotage any less. I can see myself doing it, I can see myself shutting down, it’s ugly and I don’t want to watch but I do it. It’s like I can’t stop myself. Like this hurt inner child runs this show and she’s gonna do whatever it takes to protect us. To protect my heart and make sure it doesn’t get blown up again. She’s kind of a drama queen like that. I love that little girl in me, I do but she has got to stop this. I don’t want to lose him because I can’t get out of my own way. The truth is I am crazy madly in love with A. He is everything I never knew I wanted in someone else. Every time I look at him I think he is the best thing ever. He is my favorite person in the whole world and I cannot get enough of him. He treats me better than I have ever been treated before. He makes me so incredibly happy. I catch myself smiling for no reason at all besides the fact that he loves me too. I know this kind of love doesn’t happen all the time and to get that person to feel the same about you really doesn’t happen often. I know I’m lucky, I know what I have is special, I know that I want to be with him forever and I love him with my whole heart. But there is this fear that in spite of all that, in spite of my best efforts, that it won’t be enough. Because I’m not enough. As the title on my blog tells you, I have always struggled with not feeling like I’m enough. It is one of those core values, core beliefs that I have carried with me since the beginning of time. It’s something I have the hardest time shaking. Even when I love myself and want an awesome life for myself. There is this small, nagging voice reminding me of that fact. It’s not a fact, I know that, I know what I am capable of. I know that I can do great things with my life and I know A. is just as lucky to have me as I am to have him. Sure I mess up but I also am giving this all I have. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe I don’t have it all to give to him. Maybe my heart was more critically broken then I thought. Maybe I don’t have it in me to truly love him with my whole heart. Maybe I just love him with all that is left of it. Maybe with his help, his love, his tenderness we can find the other pieces or fix it or transfuse some other pieces to make it whole again. Maybe we can do something together to make me whole again. Because for the first time in my life I have someone who I know backs me up 100%, who will always be there (as long as I let him) and will help me pick up whatever pieces are left. Because he believes in me and loves me that much. Trust me, I know how lucky I am. So here I am. Putting that negative sentiment out of me in hopes that if I give it a voice and hear how crazy I sound that I will be able to overcome the nagging voice I can’t seem to shut up. I’m hoping by saying what I’m afraid of that I can get it out of me and move on. I read somewhere that if a relationship does fail it’s going to hurt either way. If you put 100% in, if you trust them completely, if you love them like crazy at least then it stands a chance. If you half ass it, if you don’t give your partner the best of you, if you cut them down, there is no way it could last. I mean seriously, how could it? Me pushing A. away, not giving him a fair chance, not being open and myself, me shutting down and not communicating with him is not going to help us. If he leaves me because something I did it’s not going to hurt any less than if he left even when I gave him everything I had, when I gave my best effort, my everything. One just leaves me with way more regrets. So why not have no regrets. The hurt is still going to hurt. I have no control over what he is going to do all I know is I will never give up on what we have. And that has to be enough. I have to be enough. As I let my worrying and anxiety go, I have to know I don’t have control over what is going to happen in the future. All I can do is try my best, learn from my mistakes and hope for the best. I have found the one that my soul loves and I can’t give that anything less than all I’ve got. I don’t want to live with that kind of regret. I owe it to that little girl inside me to prove that voice wrong. I need to show her that we are loved and enough for someone to stay for a very long time. I won’t give up on us

Finding my place in the world

I’ve been so afraid of the changes that are coming up in my life that it has stopped me from doing anything. I was paralyzed in fear and the worst part is I didn’t even fully realize it. I was hiding behind the comfort of my life and I didn’t want to move forward. It will be good but scary at the same time. I mean I’m looking at changing so much of my life and that is scary. Especially for someone who feels she needs to be in control of every aspect of her life. The thing is I really like my life as it is now. I mean yes I will really enjoy not working and doing my internship and actually having free time. But I like things as they are now and I just wonder how all these changes will affect things. I really like living where I live (while it has very apparent draw backs…like running into people I really would rather never see again). I’m comfortable here, I know where things are, I know what I like to do, I like the routine of it all. I’m so scared what these changes mean for the BF and me. I love him to pieces and the way our relationship is now. What happens when we move? Will he really move where ever I go? What about his dog and my poor kitty? What is going to happen with them? Are they going to get along when we live together? What if he doesn’t like the town where I get a job? What if I don’t like the job I get? Or the place we live? What if it drives us apart? What if he can’t find a job he likes there? What if it is really far from my family and how will I juggle that? What if, what if, what if… Those are some of the thoughts roaming around in my head. They had me so scared to even start applying for jobs; I didn’t even know where to start. So in my attempts to stop the worrying and anxiety this week, I set a goal of applying for 5 jobs this week. I have done that so that has definitely helped relieve some of the pressure. I decided I was just going to have to start applying where there was a job that sounded interesting to me, that I seemed to meet the qualifications for and to widen what I was looking for. I’m hopeful today and that is good. It’s a nice feeling. I feel more motivated than I have in while and it feels so nice. I guess I decided to not let all that stuff hold me back anymore. Life is all about the unknown. You have to be able to move forward and not just be stuck in the place you are. Each day brings you closer to where you want to be and closer to death, so you can’t waste it. I don’t want to waste my time here. If the BF and I don’t work out, sure I’ll be crushed but I’ll survive. I have picked up my pieces before and I can do that again. Of course nothing about how he is or how we are makes me feel like that is a real option but there is that self doubt in me that says he is a boy and he will leave. Sigh. If I don’t like my job at least I’ll have the experience and I can keep looking for something I will like. I have to start somewhere and I made that tiny step in the right direction. The point is all those things that I worry about may or may not happen. I can’t let the ‘what ifs’ hold me in a place that keeps me from moving my life forward. I only got the one and damn it I’m not wasting it. So I’m trying the best I can for the type A, control wanting heart of mine to embrace the unknown. To calm down and let life happen. To guide it in a way I can be proud of but also in a way that I can watch it unfold. Just another part of my anxiety ridding puzzle.

Rebuilding and summer plans

Rebuilding your life is an interesting process. When it is in pieces around you, you have no idea how or what you can piece it back together to be. I think for me it was more about leaving those pieces alone and starting new. While for a while I wanted to pretend none of it even happened, I realize soon enough the need to deal with it and accept what happened but not let it define who I was or my future. I know there are times I still struggle, especially with the anger but I know I’m really far ahead of where I could be in the grand scheme of things. In one of my classes we learned about divorce and the impact on children, how it was best to handle it, that kind of thing and they said it takes two years to get used to all the changes divorce causes. My two years will be in September and I have to tell you every day, every month I love where my life is and where it is going. It’s really not that long ago but I feel like a totally different person. I have rebuilt myself and my life into something so different from who I was. It’s an amazing accomplishment if you think about it. From the rubble you come through and thrive. Not everyone can do that and get stuck in that really dark place. I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little nervous about this summer. Since the divorce started I’ve been in school. I did drop down to one class one semester but other then that I’ve been plugging away. It’s a little unnerving to think about all the time I’m going to have on my hands and all the things I can do. I’m hoping that I have dealt enough with all the stuff that I can just enjoy my summer with the new bf and everything will super great. I guess I shouldn’t really hope because I know I have done what I can and if anything comes up I will be able to deal with it. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t cross my mind though. One of the big things that has become glaringly clear to me is how much control I have in my life, even in uncontrollable situations. You have to be able to take what parts you can control and focus there. While I had no control over what was done to me, I had control over what part I played in it and what I did with the pieces after. I can be the victim or I can be my own hero. I prefer to be my own hero and make my story what I want it to be. I’m embarrassed that I spent so long in a place where I didn’t realize that, where I didn’t realize my own worth, where I stayed with someone like him and let him treat me the way he did. I’m embarrassed that he is my ex-husband as opposed to some dude I dated and when I figured out what a tool he was I let him go. But that is all in my past and I can’t change that. So you deal with the emotions as they arise and move on. The one emotion I have a hard time with is the anger. I’m so much happier without him and so much happier then I thought was possible with the new bf. But I’m angry about what he did to me. I’m angry at him for not seeing how amazing I was and all that I did do for him and not giving me enough respect to end things the way they deserved. I’m angry with myself for not seeing where this was going and ending it so much sooner. I’m angry that I made it ok for him to treat me the way he did and that I clung on to something that was so long gone or maybe that I never really had with him. I’m angry that he has done so many awful things to me and yet somehow karma has not kicked him in the nuts yet. I’m angry that I feel so angry toward him. I don’t want him to take up residence in my life or my mind at all. Having the anger seems like its keeping him in my life and I hate that. I wish awful things on him and the girl he cheated on me with and that really isn’t me. I’m a nice person, I try to be nice to everyone, I’m compassionate and kind. It’s not in my nature to hate or wish terrible things on someone. But I do on them. And I know how much of a waste of time it is. Can’t I just hope something terrible happens to them and I can never think of them again? How do I resolve the anger without forgiving or without saying it was ok? How do you get over the anger when they haven’t been punished for what they did? How do they get to destroy someone’s life and they get to be happy and ok? That just doesn’t seem fair. And maybe that is where it all lies. Life isn’t fair. I know that so well but yet we expect it to be. I guess we just have to do the best we can with what we have and hope that things turn out as we deserve. Sometimes it doesn’t but then sometimes it does. I think about the crazy amount of love I feel for the bf and I question why am I so lucky to have found that. But when I really think about the crap I’ve been through it seems almost more that maybe that is the universe throwing me a bone. Like “you have been so good for so long and got crapped on all along the way. We see how hard you are trying and here is something absolutely beautiful for your life”. Maybe it’s a reward for always trying to do the right thing, for always trying to be a good person. Finally things are going your way because you earned it, you deserve it. And maybe I need to stop questioning it. So this summer I have a lot of things I want to do and one of things I need to work through is my anger. I have to let it go and release all the ugliness that comes with it. I know that but when you have every right to feel that angry it’s hard to let it go. After all the suffering, it’s hard to just let it go. But I will. I’m determined and you see what happens when I set my mind to things. Beautiful things happen.

I'm not gonna look back

So now that I’m officially divorced I have to say it feels amazing! I cannot wait until my name is changed back everywhere so I don’t even have to acknowledge that I was ever married at all and can forget that any of that even happened. Some people might disagree with my stance on that but I will take my lessons and move the f on. And not that I need to defend why I feel this way but I don’t want the divorce or his cheating defining who I am. And while I will keep the lessons, I would rather not hash and rehash over feelings I have already processed. I would rather not go into it for the millionth time and I’m going to try really hard to just move on from it and leave it in the past where it belongs. I would rather not be reminded of the failure of the marriage and the feelings I have over being a ‘failure’. And I guess most of all I don’t want to be tied to him in any capacity. I don’t want him to be my anything, even my ex-husband. What he did to me, he doesn’t deserve to be tied to me in any way ever again. There is no room in my life for someone who is so intentionally cruel to someone he used to care about. He doesn’t deserve any part of my life and I guess this is me taking back the last 10 years of my life I wasted with him. Maybe it is the anger talking and maybe some day I will be above wishing nothing but horrible awful things, but that day isn’t today. And until that day comes I will work on letting go of that anger so it doesn’t eat me alive. I think I have said this before but I don’t know that I will ever forgive him for what he did because he doesn’t deserve that. But I hope some day I can let go all of the pain and anger he caused me. I want it out of me and I know that I have already come so far in this process that it is really only a matter of time until I make it past this hurdle too.

Now that it is officially over there is nothing left tying me to him. I’m free and happy and so much better off. And damn it I’m gonna celebrate that! I love the life I have now. It is so much better then the life I had with him and if only I had known I would have left a long time ago. I will never settle for someone who treats me like he did. But now I know and as GI Joe would say…knowing is half the battle.

Stronger, better, smarter

Sometimes you feel like crap and there is no getting around it. Sometimes you don’t feel cheery and full of freaking sunshine. Sometimes life gives you rotten sour ass lemons that just make rotten sour ass lemonade. It happens and feeling it is ok. People can’t feel 100% positive and sunny all the time. You can try and make yourself (and trust me some days I know I have to) but even the eternal optimist has problems finding that inner happiness ALL the time. Sometimes you have to feel the bad stuff and process the feeling, validate that you feel that way and get it out of you. Sometimes there isn’t a way around it. BUT then you move on.

Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes the feelings you have about said sucky life…well sucks. You can choose to dwell on the suckyness or you can choose to feel it, process it and then move on. You can continue to focus on the suck, let it rule your life and your mood or you can move on and focus on the not so sucky stuff. There is always not so sucky stuff you can find. It may be small and you may have to hunt for it, but trust me its there. Even if it is just waking up and being alive, that is something to be thankful for.

I was thinking about this on the walk to work this morning. I was thinking about how sometimes life just sucks and I have had many a moment in the last few months that I felt that way. I thought about how during the last few months especially, I have made a real effort to allow myself to feel whatever it is I’m feeling. Happy, sad, lonely, excited, whatever. I don’t try and not feel the bad because it is there for a reason. If you push it away and not acknowledge the feeling, it’s going to come back. And when it comes back it is usually stronger and suckier then it would have been if you dealt with it before. And I think it has helped me feel as good as I do now. And the big difference is you have to then move on. I can sit here and go on and on how getting divorced sucks and how little I think of my ex because of what he did and wah wah wah. I can go on and on about a less then perfect childhood and how much it messed me up. I can go on and on about losing people I loved more then anything and how much I hate that they are gone and I have to go on without them. But what good is that going to do me? Why would I want to be miserable my whole life and just think about the ugliness? Why focus on things I no longer have any control over, instead of the things I do. Like my attitude, the people I surround myself with, the activities I do instead of moping, or ways to deal with the stress I don’t have control over.

I guess I was thinking about it in respect to all the crap that has happened and how I can possibly be hopeful and happy for my future. I was thinking about someone I know that only focuses on the bad and negative and how sad I am for them. How I wish I could tell them life doesn’t have to be that way and instead of focusing on the people who did you wrong, why not focus on the ones that are still around and love you. But I suppose that is another blog for another day. Sorry back to the original point…isn’t that how we learn, from our past experiences though? Unfortunately my past experiences say people suck and will screw you over and let you down. But how lonely of a life would that be if I just assume everyone is like that. Aren’t I doing a better service to my future and my happiness by learning what fault I had in the situation, learning the lessons there to learn and moving on smarter and stronger then before? Isn’t it better to acknowledge that I picked to marry a guy that was very immature and selfish and that is was so wrong thinking he would grow up into an adult? I guess some would say that expecting someone to become an adult isn’t asking a lot (and I didn’t think so either) but isn’t it more important to learn the lesson that you cannot change people and you should be ok with them for who they are NOW not what they could/should/promised to be later? Isn’t it better to learn that what you see is what you get and to be more honest with myself in any future relationship? Isn’t it better to see what the relationship really was and to accept the responsibility I had for what it was? Not just push all the blame and not learn anything?

I guess some might call me foolish but I still believe the best in people. Ok yeah there are certain people that I know are just bad but why would I want to assume that of everyone. Isn’t it better to believe that people are good until they prove you wrong? Aren’t there more people that are really good inside then bad? I have to believe that is true. I still believe that there is a guy out there that is going to love and cherish me and not break my heart. I know now what it is like to be in a crummy relationship and what I want in the future. I know what I contributed and the bad I brought and I hope in the future I will be a better girlfriend because of it. I still believe that no matter what life throws at me I am strong enough to withstand it, I know that now.

Ok to recap…life sucks sometimes but it is also really good at other times. You have to accept the suck for what it is, feel it and move on. You will be stronger and smarter if you learn your lessons and move on. This is me moving on