Psst...

Ok this underlying yuckiness has got to get the hell out. I have so much to be happy about yet I have this little voice in my head making me feel down and it has to stop. Today, I’m telling that bitch to GTFO I’m sorry but I can’t have her constantly telling me that I shouldn’t be proud, that I suck, that I’m gonna mess everything up, that I’m not good enough. Just because she is afraid of succeeding, doesn’t mean I am. Just because she hates taking risks and tries to tell me I shouldn’t risk anything either, that doesn’t mean I’m gonna listen. Doesn’t she know I stopped listening to her a long time ago? Doesn’t she know how strong I am and I do what I want? Doesn’t she know that she has no power over me? Stupid bitch. The thing is she doesn’t care about any of that. She is a relentless whore who just keeps trying to chip away at my confidence. I used to let her get the best of me but I don’t any more. She just caught me at a weak moment so she almost slipped back in but I’m too tough for that crap. See what I’m saying, she’s dumb. Like I said, I have so much to be happy about. I’m graduating with my bachelor’s degree, I’m interviewing for jobs (had an interview with a job I really REALLY want yesterday), my one year anniversary in Friday with the best boyfriend in the entire world, I’m getting ready to go on a super fun trip, and I just have the best people in my life. I can’t let her negative voice get my feeling anything but excited and happy about all of that. I guess it is all about rebuilding me and some times I slide back into a person I wasn’t proud to be. It’s all an ongoing process. So this is what I’m doing to shut her up… I’m going to focus on all the great things in my life, remind myself of what I have to be thankful for. I’m going to focus on the things I do have control over and fix the things I can. I’m going to do what I can with what I have and that’s it. I’m going to let myself feel happy and proud of what I have accomplished over these last two and a half years. I can’t focus on the bad that has happened and I won’t let that take away from what I did. What I did, all on my own, in spite of that crap. So here is to celebrating an awesome year. One that I can be proud of and that I got to see so many of my dreams come true. Hopefully in 2013 all kinds of good things will come!

Am I enough?

Things have been going well for me. Moving forward, getting things done, trying to put everything in their place. I’m trying to change things I have control over and let things go I don’t. Life is all about what you make of it, I’m trying to make it great. Maybe that is the perfectionist in me talking… So as I struggle with the anxiety and trying to come to peace with myself and where I am, I have thought a lot about how my past is still influencing my present. I mean it is a given to a certain extent. We are who we are because the past has led us here. All the parts that make up who we are, it was made from all the places, the people, the memories from our past. The past brings us to where we are now. But it doesn’t have to dictate the direction we go. It doesn’t have to tell us that if we failed in the past, we will fail again. We get to direct our sails in any direction we can and really it is up to us to decide. Humans are capable of change, believe it or not. I have hope in my heart that I can make things different for myself. Not so long ago I found myself in a dead marriage that I didn’t even realize had died. I was so consumed in my own stuff that I didn’t see what was going on around me. Truth is I didn’t care. I had been hurt by him so much and so often and I just didn’t care anymore. Not like I should have. I didn’t look at him the way a wife should look at her husband, I know that now. I didn’t think he was the best thing ever, the person I was meant to be with forever, my best friend. I didn’t think I deserved that so it didn’t faze me that he was none of those things. It’s so sad to me that I put myself in that situation and that it ended so badly. I realize how much of the fault is mine and how badly I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. At the very core of who I am, I’m terrified that A. is going to leave me. Not because of what he is or how he treats me or a gut feeling because of him. It is based solely on my past and my self esteem issues. I know that, I’m conscious of it but that doesn’t make me self sabotage any less. I can see myself doing it, I can see myself shutting down, it’s ugly and I don’t want to watch but I do it. It’s like I can’t stop myself. Like this hurt inner child runs this show and she’s gonna do whatever it takes to protect us. To protect my heart and make sure it doesn’t get blown up again. She’s kind of a drama queen like that. I love that little girl in me, I do but she has got to stop this. I don’t want to lose him because I can’t get out of my own way. The truth is I am crazy madly in love with A. He is everything I never knew I wanted in someone else. Every time I look at him I think he is the best thing ever. He is my favorite person in the whole world and I cannot get enough of him. He treats me better than I have ever been treated before. He makes me so incredibly happy. I catch myself smiling for no reason at all besides the fact that he loves me too. I know this kind of love doesn’t happen all the time and to get that person to feel the same about you really doesn’t happen often. I know I’m lucky, I know what I have is special, I know that I want to be with him forever and I love him with my whole heart. But there is this fear that in spite of all that, in spite of my best efforts, that it won’t be enough. Because I’m not enough. As the title on my blog tells you, I have always struggled with not feeling like I’m enough. It is one of those core values, core beliefs that I have carried with me since the beginning of time. It’s something I have the hardest time shaking. Even when I love myself and want an awesome life for myself. There is this small, nagging voice reminding me of that fact. It’s not a fact, I know that, I know what I am capable of. I know that I can do great things with my life and I know A. is just as lucky to have me as I am to have him. Sure I mess up but I also am giving this all I have. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe I don’t have it all to give to him. Maybe my heart was more critically broken then I thought. Maybe I don’t have it in me to truly love him with my whole heart. Maybe I just love him with all that is left of it. Maybe with his help, his love, his tenderness we can find the other pieces or fix it or transfuse some other pieces to make it whole again. Maybe we can do something together to make me whole again. Because for the first time in my life I have someone who I know backs me up 100%, who will always be there (as long as I let him) and will help me pick up whatever pieces are left. Because he believes in me and loves me that much. Trust me, I know how lucky I am. So here I am. Putting that negative sentiment out of me in hopes that if I give it a voice and hear how crazy I sound that I will be able to overcome the nagging voice I can’t seem to shut up. I’m hoping by saying what I’m afraid of that I can get it out of me and move on. I read somewhere that if a relationship does fail it’s going to hurt either way. If you put 100% in, if you trust them completely, if you love them like crazy at least then it stands a chance. If you half ass it, if you don’t give your partner the best of you, if you cut them down, there is no way it could last. I mean seriously, how could it? Me pushing A. away, not giving him a fair chance, not being open and myself, me shutting down and not communicating with him is not going to help us. If he leaves me because something I did it’s not going to hurt any less than if he left even when I gave him everything I had, when I gave my best effort, my everything. One just leaves me with way more regrets. So why not have no regrets. The hurt is still going to hurt. I have no control over what he is going to do all I know is I will never give up on what we have. And that has to be enough. I have to be enough. As I let my worrying and anxiety go, I have to know I don’t have control over what is going to happen in the future. All I can do is try my best, learn from my mistakes and hope for the best. I have found the one that my soul loves and I can’t give that anything less than all I’ve got. I don’t want to live with that kind of regret. I owe it to that little girl inside me to prove that voice wrong. I need to show her that we are loved and enough for someone to stay for a very long time. I won’t give up on us

Trust

I don’t trust myself. I’ve known this for a while but I don’t think I realized how far it reached and how many aspects of my life it affected. I mean it’s hard to trust yourself when you lead yourself willingly into a life that you should have realized much sooner was a mistake. That you can make yourself believe that a bad relationship is good enough, that you at some point didn’t care enough for yourself to make yourself happy. That you could wake each morning exhausted from the fight and still keep your self believing that this whole deal is ok. So it all makes sense to me that I wouldn’t trust myself when it comes to picking out another dude. But why it is so far reaching in so many aspects of my life? I’m understandably a little gun shy. When you’ve made a devastating mistake before, it makes you really scared to make another mistake and makes you really cautious in other aspects of your life. I mean yes you have survived something like that but you also know how terrible and debilitating that feels. It’s a place you don’t want to go back to, you want to avoid it at all costs and you do whatever you can to ensure your safety. It all makes sense to me. But when it comes to myself not trusting myself in other parts of my life I’m confused. Romantic relationships can be messy and emotional and to an extent I was ok with cutting that part of my emotional life off because I didn’t trust myself to make a good decision. I know I was needy and I need someone to prove to me that there was nothing wrong with me. That I wasn’t the one at fault for the cheating. That I was desirable and lovable and wanted. But I knew that I couldn’t put that on some other dude. That was never going to make that part of me ok. I had to heal that. And now I feel so grateful that I took that time because now I’m with an amazing guy who loves me more than I ever thought was possible. I gave him a chance because I was healed and I didn’t need him to love me or want me or make me happy. He just does and it is such an added perk to my life. But I digress. I need to learn to trust my gut and do what is best for me. I need to know that I have the intellect and abilities that I will be fine with the decisions I make. I have to be able to trust myself enough to know that I can make a decision and that I won’t always fail. And if I do happen to ‘fail’, if in my mind I made a mistake, I know that I have what it takes to make changes to pick myself back up and start over. I’m good at starting over. I know I can create the most beautiful life out of ashes. I have done it before and I can do it again. I’m strong like that. I can’t always believe I’m going to fail, that the worst will happen, that everything will fall apart. You know what? Sometimes it doesn’t. Actually most of the time it doesn’t, so why not embrace what could go right instead of what could go wrong? I need to be able to trust that I have done the right thing in my life and sometimes things will go my way. Sometimes you have to have faith in the universe that it will put you where you need to be and that things will work out. I forgot all about that. I was relying solely on myself and it was daunting. Sometimes timing, luck, karma, the universe, God, my guardian angel, will align and things will work out just like they should. After all the bad that has happened it makes it hard for me to believe that the good can also happen for me. It’s silly really. Life is all about that balance. Maybe it is time for that balance to be good for a while.

Finding my place in the world

I’ve been so afraid of the changes that are coming up in my life that it has stopped me from doing anything. I was paralyzed in fear and the worst part is I didn’t even fully realize it. I was hiding behind the comfort of my life and I didn’t want to move forward. It will be good but scary at the same time. I mean I’m looking at changing so much of my life and that is scary. Especially for someone who feels she needs to be in control of every aspect of her life. The thing is I really like my life as it is now. I mean yes I will really enjoy not working and doing my internship and actually having free time. But I like things as they are now and I just wonder how all these changes will affect things. I really like living where I live (while it has very apparent draw backs…like running into people I really would rather never see again). I’m comfortable here, I know where things are, I know what I like to do, I like the routine of it all. I’m so scared what these changes mean for the BF and me. I love him to pieces and the way our relationship is now. What happens when we move? Will he really move where ever I go? What about his dog and my poor kitty? What is going to happen with them? Are they going to get along when we live together? What if he doesn’t like the town where I get a job? What if I don’t like the job I get? Or the place we live? What if it drives us apart? What if he can’t find a job he likes there? What if it is really far from my family and how will I juggle that? What if, what if, what if… Those are some of the thoughts roaming around in my head. They had me so scared to even start applying for jobs; I didn’t even know where to start. So in my attempts to stop the worrying and anxiety this week, I set a goal of applying for 5 jobs this week. I have done that so that has definitely helped relieve some of the pressure. I decided I was just going to have to start applying where there was a job that sounded interesting to me, that I seemed to meet the qualifications for and to widen what I was looking for. I’m hopeful today and that is good. It’s a nice feeling. I feel more motivated than I have in while and it feels so nice. I guess I decided to not let all that stuff hold me back anymore. Life is all about the unknown. You have to be able to move forward and not just be stuck in the place you are. Each day brings you closer to where you want to be and closer to death, so you can’t waste it. I don’t want to waste my time here. If the BF and I don’t work out, sure I’ll be crushed but I’ll survive. I have picked up my pieces before and I can do that again. Of course nothing about how he is or how we are makes me feel like that is a real option but there is that self doubt in me that says he is a boy and he will leave. Sigh. If I don’t like my job at least I’ll have the experience and I can keep looking for something I will like. I have to start somewhere and I made that tiny step in the right direction. The point is all those things that I worry about may or may not happen. I can’t let the ‘what ifs’ hold me in a place that keeps me from moving my life forward. I only got the one and damn it I’m not wasting it. So I’m trying the best I can for the type A, control wanting heart of mine to embrace the unknown. To calm down and let life happen. To guide it in a way I can be proud of but also in a way that I can watch it unfold. Just another part of my anxiety ridding puzzle.

New revelation

I have been researching how to get my worrying under control which led me to a word that kept coming up and I never thought as a description for me…Anxiety. I mean it makes sense but I never thought of it that way and now a lot of my feelings and how I deal with them makes so much more sense. I found an article that is supposed to help you deal with the anxiety and constant worry and I think it might help. One of the things I have been focusing on is writing down my worries that way they aren’t just floating around in my head and popping up over and over again. If I had a concrete list that would make it visible what I’m so worried about and help me to figure out where that worry is coming from. You know, the real root cause of it. Also this helps me to figure out how to deal with it. Is there an actual solution to stop the worry or am I just worrying about something that may or may not ever happen. Like worrying about finding a job…easy start applying for jobs Rather than worrying about the BF leaving me because I’m not good enough…that kind of crap just can’t fly. He’s given me no reason to think this and is actually rather amazing and really in love with me. Note to self – don’t mess that up! You see there is the worry that I can do something about and the worry that is just not constructive. The worry I can find solutions for and the worry I have to challenge myself on. It’s been good to start that list. It’s been cleansing and I feel a weight start to lift. Even if that is temporary, it feels good. The thing is I have been running from the things that make me feel better, the things that make everything clear. I hadn’t been working out because of an injury and that is when I sort so many things out. I hadn’t been writing because I was scared to unearth the whys of what I was going through. I’ve been scared of facing the music and I stayed hidden behind the excuses and the rationalizations. Maybe I needed that break from myself. I’m not going to beat myself up over it but I’m back now. I’m ready to deal. I’m ready to move on and be a happier person. I know that so much of me is a bundle of nervous energy. Worrying about others, worrying about how I impact the people around me, trying to be the best person I can be and not allowing for mistakes, being everything I think I should be and at the same time not really knowing who that is. I want to embrace my work in progress, I want to embrace the fact that not everything is in my control and in the end it will all be ok. I want to slow down, I want to enjoy this time in my life. I know I’m scared, that is a part of who I have been most of my life. But you can be scared and still make changes in your life. Change can be good, pushing out of your comfort zone is good. It can all be good. And sometimes it can be bad but you know what, I survived bad before and I’ll do it again. I have a survivor in me and if anything she has grown stronger. She will carry me through the rough times that will happen, that’s life and inevitable. But my worry will not keep it from coming. My worry will only make myself miserable and I’m tried of being my own worst enemy. So worry, know your days are limited. Your residency in my brain is going to be short lived. I will not worry my life away any more. I will get my shit together and focus my energy constructively. You only have this one life to live, why not live it the way you want. The way that makes you happy. The way that you will be proud of in the end. Part of that for me is stopping the anxiety and breathing deeply. It’s on my radar now, and when you get on my radar I go after you. Hard. Be prepared.

Worry, worry, worry

I’ve been thinking lately about how high strung I am. I worry about everything and while I know I could be worse, I could be a lot better about it. I’ve really tried to be more laid back but it’s hard to change the core of who you are. I mean I didn’t used to be so high strung but I’ve always been cautious and responsible and the voice of reason. I mean I’ve done things I shouldn’t in my life but I’m usually a responsible person. Not that that is all bad but worrying and over thinking for the sake of worrying and over thinking is craziness and I’m going to give myself an ulcer. It helps that the boyfriend is laid back and can remind me when I start on my tailspin. We were going to visit my brother this Saturday and he invited us to go out with him and his girlfriend which is great but I had made other plans. Trying to be everything to everyone (which is another of my flaws) I start trying to figure it all out, getting frustrated because I don’t have all the information (like where, when, what exactly he had in mind) and my mind starts to spin. I try and voice my tail spin but it only comes out in short, cut off sentences. “But what are we suppose…” I trail off “What am I supposed to tell…” “Why doesn’t he…” My mind is racing. The BF then says “I don’t see why you are getting all upset about this”. I’ve heard this before. From my best friend (who is by all accounts my therapist) and I stop what I’m saying. It’s still going on in my mind but obviously verbalizing it is only making him uncomfortable and why do that. I continue to drive, I hear the thoughts in my head, I try to breath and focus and I drive. After a while he notices my silence (probably because of my crazy non-sentences that had been rattled off before) and grabs my hand. “What’s wrong” he asks. “Nothing”. “What’s wrong, tell me” “Nothing, I love you” "I love you too, what is wrong?" He looks at me and I remember what is really important and that this unnecessary worry will sort itself out. I hear how silly I am being and how I don't even want to explain how the crazy train (my brain) is going. He has a way with me like that though. He calms me, centers me, makes me see what is important and what isn’t. He’s great like that. So I have been thinking a lot about that. How wound up I get, how silly it is to waste my energy that way, and how I can stop. I know it is going to be difficult but I know I can do whatever I put my mind to. Plus I have this wonderful reminder constantly telling me to calm down and breath. He is a beautiful reminder. So any suggestions on how to stop a tailspin? Go to my happy place and think of puppies and kittens? I need help because I’ve felt so crazy overwhelmed with all the things going on in my life and over thinking them to death. I’m finishing my internship in the next month and a half, I’m looking for jobs, I have a sick kitty, I’m trying to spread my time with people that matter most and I feel pulled in a million directions (welcome to the real world, right?). So any suggestions would be great. Maybe I should take up meditation or try to get back into yoga (as my wrist allows). Or maybe take up Tae Bo again and get some of that energy out that way. This is my life and I don’t want to worry it away...

Thoughts on remarriage

I try not to double blog but this one really applies for this blog but I also posted to my SP blog... I have to tell you when I see or hear about a fellow divorcee being happy, I’m extra thrilled for them. Especially when it comes to having a successful subsequent relationship after a divorce. I can only speak to my own experience but I have to think they have had to face similar obstacles which makes their happiness extra special to me. You’re made to feel like you are a failure, you messed up, you got your chance at happily ever after and you blew it. You obviously can’t be married otherwise you still would be. You’re made to feel like you are less than, flawed in some way because you were part of a marriage that failed. I guess it’s something about making that promise of forever, the signing of that legal contract and having it fail despite your best efforts, that makes it worse than if a long term relationship breaks up. Often times you feel like there isn’t life after divorce, divorce is rock bottom, you rarely think of the life you might have afterward. It’s certainly not something you look forward to. For me it was never something I wanted or ever thought I would go through. It was never an option I really ever considered and it was forced upon me regardless of how I felt on the matter. He cheated and he didn’t want me anymore. Decision made, apparently that easily. And regardless of the how’s or why’s, you are still judged for that one fact. People hear you’re divorced and all kinds of negative things swarm through their minds. It is negative and I’m not necessarily an advocate for it but sometimes it happens in spite of what you wanted or how hard you tried. But the aftermath does not have to devastate you forever. You can be happy after a divorce and thrive in spite of it. Divorce doesn’t have to be something that defines you or defines who you are in any relationship that happens in the future. You messed up but that isn’t the end of the story. Unless you make it so, it doesn’t rule out a happily ever after in your future. When I see the divorcee happy and living life and doing what they always wanted to do, it makes me proud of them for taking something that is such an isolating and lonely experience and learning from it, finding a beautiful life after all that. Instead of dwelling on the ugliness they come out the other side maybe a little scarred but better than before. I found out the other day that one of my friends (that was finalizing her divorce as I was starting mine) is engaged. I knew she had a serious boyfriend that she lived with and was really happy with him. We had conversations about it, how she wanted the same for me, that I too would find someone who would make my whole world change and I could be happy in a relationship too. Back then I was perfectly content being alone and happy but then I thought about it and what if there was someone out there that I could be happy in a relationship too. I wondered what that could be like for me. She gave me hope for something I never really could acknowledge that I wanted. And now that I find myself 8 months into a relationship with someone who seems so oddly perfect for me and makes me happier than I ever imagined someone else could make me, I realize that I was defining relationships on what I had before, not what I deserved or what was possible. I see now that not all guys are the same, that there are ones out there that will show you how much you mean to them, make your life better, make you happy and maybe, just maybe, won’t break your heart. I was just beyond excited for her that she found her happily ever after and I know part of that has to do with the fact that she’s been through hell too. I know the heartache divorce imparts on the individual. And how at the time that pain feels so permanent. You wonder how you can ever come back and feel normal again. And to be happy? It seems almost out of the question. No matter how amicable the divorce may be there still are scars and feelings of inadequacy left behind. And if the divorce isn’t amicable (like mine) the wounds can be so much deeper and so much more debilitating. So for me to have that person who endured so much, who came out the other side of something so life-changing, and is happy and smiling. It just makes me really happy for them finally getting what they deserve. They took their life in their hands and they found a path that led them to where they belong. I still don’t know where my life will take me and if I’ll end up marrying the boyfriend but I’m hopeful that I can have a successful relationship, that maybe I have found someone who thinks I’m worth fighting for and wants this as much as I do. Which is completely crazy to even think of. I know it’s fairly new, I know a lot could happen, but I’m so happy with him, where I’m at, and it’s become easy for me to think of forever with him. And I’ve come really far to be able to say that. My divorce was not a good experience. It’s not something you ever hope for as a married person and it’s not something you want for your marriage. But I know that the fact that I was divorced does not doom me forever. It doesn’t mean I can’t be happily married some day. It doesn’t make me less than and to have someone who sees me as something so wonderful and so beautiful is beyond words. It’s sad to me that I wasted so much of my life with someone who thought so little of me when someone this amazing was out there waiting for me. It almost makes the struggle worth it.