Listen to yourself

I was talking to a coworker today on how important it is to trust yourself. To listen to that inner voice telling you what is right for you, not listening to what everyone else says you should be doing. She had sent me a blog about a girl who was 25 and not feeling like she fit into what society said she should be doing at 25. She talked about being open to what is out there and doing what is best for you, not what you think you should be doing. I can certainly empathize. Most people my age are married, with kids, paying a mortgage and in a stable job that’s been progressing since they graduated from college (aka making more money). They have their life figured out. Ok that is what it seems to the outside world but I have begun to learn they often do not. And I suppose that is where a big problem arises when you compare your life to others. You don’t know the inside like they do. You can’t see why they have made the decisions they have and if they are truly happy. I would much rather be happy then suffocating in a life that from the outside fits the rest of the worlds mold of a 31 year old female. Now for someone who is always concerned about doing the right thing, doing what I should be doing (I blame it being raised by a correctional officer)…this was a really hard pill to swallow. After my divorce and feeling like a failure at life, I struggled with who I was and what I meant to the world. What was my value now? I soon realized that who I was had so little to do with my relationship status and I started to reevaluate the things that were really important to me. I could finally ask myself what I wanted out of life, not just what I felt was expected of me. It was such an exhilarating (and scary) time and I was really happy I could honestly look at myself and my life and what my inner voice was telling me. In the time that has passed, I can’t tell you how many ups and downs I had. There were times I had no idea where I was going and felt so lost. But then there was other times that I could feel that I was in the right place in my life. I suppose it is never 100% but you have to trust yourself and let it guide you hoping for the best. The parts of my self that I have embraced since then have always been the core of who I was but I really hadn’t let those parts guide me before. Now that I have, my life is in such a better place then it ever was. And I know they are going to lead me to even better places. My life is mine and I am proud of myself for continuing to grow even now. To get the best life we can, we have to be willing to take risks, we have to listen to that inner voice telling us what is important and right for us. You might not fit into what society expects of you but you know what? That’s ok. We are all different and we are all supposed to take different paths in life. I’m not ashamed where my path has taken me and you shouldn’t be either. As long as you are growing and reaching for your dreams, how can you be mad at that? Found this on pinterest...

The gift of starting over

Holy good God it can hurt but I’m here to tell you that it really can be a gift. If you let it be. You can choose to dwell on your pain and refuse to move forward or you can take the fresh start as a new beginning and do the best with what you have. You tackle it with an open heart and an open mind and even though it does hurt in the beginning, it will get better. So much better. But in the mean time, you have to find it somewhere in yourself to be brave enough to learn your lessons, accept what happened, deal with the pain in the most constructive what you can and move forward with your new life. You have to love yourself enough and want the best for yourself or you’ll make the same mistakes and find yourself stuck in a really ugly place. I’ve been there, I’ve been in total denial before, I have refused to see what was happening around me, I have been stuck and refused to follow my heart. I knew what I needed to do, I knew what was right, but I didn’t trust myself enough to listen. Being in denial doesn’t stop what’s going to happen. It only leaves you blindsided when it does happen. And angry. And pissed because you should have saw it because you should have listened to yourself and now you are just left in a massive amount of pain, confused, scared and picking up pieces. It’s a real sucky place to be. My best advice before you get to your new beginning is to start being honest with yourself. Take a step back and try to view your situation in the most honest and real light you can. Maybe talk to that friend that is willing to be honest and you just wouldn’t listen before. Listen to that nagging feeling you have and trust yourself to make the right decision for you. Know you are brave and strong and can do whatever life has for you. You can endure so much more than you think you can. For me this message provides hope when you might be in a place that there isn’t much. I hope that you know that you will come out the other side and if you try and look out for yourself, you can actually come out the other side happier than ever before. Starting over sucks and for me it was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to deal with. But I’m proud of the life that I have built since then. I might be a work in progress but I’m so proud of how far I have come. And if any of your find yourself starting over you will be proud when you look back too. It takes time, trust the process and keep getting back up. Life will knock you on your ass a lot but you have to be willing to keep getting back up. Proud and strong and never give up. Anyways, I suppose when I saw this as a pin a few days ago it got me to reflect about the last few years of my life, where I was, where I am now and how my new beginning brought me to where I am which I’m really grateful for. This gift I was given brought me to the best place I could ever have imagined. I love my life and the people in it and feel incredibly blessed to call this my life. Starting over taught me a lot of really valuable lessons that helped me get to the life I have and I’m actually grateful for that time of struggle. It taught me to love myself in a time that I didn’t feel very lovable and to trust myself to do what is best for me. It showed me all the crap I thought was acceptable that really wasn’t and what I refuse to put up with ever again. It taught me the real struggles in life and that things really could be worse. And no matter how ‘worse’ it got that I could handle it. Sometimes by the skin of my teeth and taking it second by second but I could endure whatever was thrown my way. And it made me realize you really can’t sweat the small stuff. As clichéd as that is. It taught me how strong I am and just how much I could handle. It taught me who were my true friends are and how much my family loves and supports me. It taught me to be so appreciative of what I have. I am incredibly happy that I could learn my lessons from my past and I know that allowed me to move on like I did. It allowed me to open my heart to someone more fully and allowed me to love someone so much more than I ever dreamed was possible. So the point of the post? Know that there is hope even when you don’t feel like it. That it gets easier. That this new beginning, however painful, will get better. That if you do the work, process your feelings and sort through the ugliness, that it will pay off. It did for me. I have started over so many times in my life, big and small and each time you have to believe enough in yourself that you know it will get better. Because of the changes you are making your life, your end result will be better than when you started. Besides you love yourself enough to fight for the best life you can have. You are worth that struggle to get to a better place. Embrace the gift. It's totally worth it :) The picture at the start of this post I found on pinterest and this was the link attached...

Ch-ch-changes!

How does a month go by so quickly? I mean I can’t believe that it’s been since April 1st that I last posted a blog on here! Well I’m going to make a concerted effort to blog on here at least once a week. That is totally doable. I want to post things like healthy recipes I’ve tried. New jewelry I’ve made (more on that a little later). Exercises I’ve tried that I’m crushing on (like Zumba :)). Other random thoughts about things affecting my life right now and I’m sure much more. Thanks again for coming along on the ride with me. So my newest endeavor is I’m really trying to make a go of my jewelry business ‘Buffy’s Bracelets’. I’ve been making jewelry for it seems like forever but I go in spurts of when I make new things and lately it has been one of those things that has collected dust in the corner of my apartment. And besides doing a couple craft fairs I never really tried to sell my stuff to people other then friends asking what I had and buying stuff from me. I have made jewelry for some of their bridesmaids but other then those few things it was never really a business per say. It all started 6 or 7 years ago. I started by making jewelry when I got married for my bridesmaids. My friend Michelle bought some of us girls these beautiful swarovski crystal birthstone bracelets that a woman was selling at a restaurant and I thought I could totally make these. I have always been the creative type so I thought why not give it a go. And no matter how off and on it’s been, I’ve been making jewelry ever since. While I have been in school it had been pretty sparse just because of time but I would manage to make up some Iowa State bracelets before games to try to sell them tailgating. Ok I would give most of them away but still. I guess it got out the word of mouth that I could make them? Anyways, I had a woman reach out to me that saw a friend’s bracelet and wanted me to make some jewelry for her bridal party! Since graduating from school and feeling kind of lost trying to find a new job that would be more satisfying, I have been trying to focus on doing things that make me happy. One of those things has been making jewelry. There is a farmers market in town and I thought maybe I should try to sell my stuff there. After a month or so going back and forth about it in my mind, I decided to just do it. Since then I have created a facebook page where I post pictures almost daily of whatever I made that I’m wearing that day. I also started an Etsy shop where I have a pair of earrings listed and more to come. So I feel like I’m at least giving this a go. I’m actually trying and not just waiting for things to happen for me. You have to at least get out there and try or else you can’t complain about what might have been. The only way to know is to try. So far it has drummed up some business and I’m hoping it will keep expanding. If anything else at least it’s a way to get my creative juices going and make a little money on the side :) For the last month I have been doing really well with exercising and eating right. I have had a few days (ok, really just meals on those days) where I let go a little but I think that is really helping me to stay on track the rest of the time. I’m down 5 pounds so I’m really happy with that. This past week I have started to notice what is firming up and that feels good. I have been doing cardio at least 3 times a week (either Zumba or running or Tae Bo or some other workout DVD) and then at least 2 days a week I do some sort of strength training (on my own with free weights while I watch TV or a yoga, pilates, or other ST DVD). I try to get in 6 days a week of workouts but sometimes I only do 5 and that’s ok too. I think part of it is I am being more attentive to what I’m stuffing into my mouth, being more strict about it but also cutting myself some slack when I need to. If I eat bad at one meal I don’t say screw the whole day. If I miss one day of workouts because of a legitimate excuse (last minute plans that need done that night NOT just being too lazy to do it) then I just make sure to do it on another day. It’s that whole moderation thing, you know. I have also been trying very hard not to emotionally eat (as I really like to do) and being more conscious of that. That one is the slippery slope and I have to be able to cut myself some slack when it happens but also not go over board or not get back on track. I’m a work in progress, what can I say? So that is where I am right now. Feel free to like my facebook page and keep up with all things pretty there. I will also post some pics here to but you can get your daily dose over there :) Also I have some links on the side of the page for the facebook page, my etsy store and all that good stuff. P.S. Tonight we are grilling out (the cute bf and I) and making burgers. One recipe I threw together is 1lb of ground meat (it's ground turkey 93% tonight) and 1/4 cup of shredded cheese (I just use whatever I have on hand, you can even use a stick of string cheese cut it in 4 and stick inside the burger) and dried onions and spices. The spices I have been using is garlic powder (I use it on most everything), dried basil, chili powder and Cookies seasoning. So yummy :)

Deep thoughts for a Monday

The last few months I have been feeling rather lost, like I was searching and searching for myself and I could not find her anywhere. I remembered the glimmer of who I was and what I wanted to be but could not seem to find her anywhere. Where the hell did she go? The more I searched, the more lost I felt. I could not seem to grasp why I was so unhappy and why I felt so lost. It seemed to sudden and was so confusing. I fell into that trap…the ‘once (fill in the blank) happens then I’ll be happy’ trap and it’s a bitch to get out of. Mine was… ‘Once I graduate’ ‘Find a job’ ‘Move away’ ‘Hit my goal weight’…just to name a few. I wasn’t focused on the here, the now. I wasn’t focused on what made me happy with my life as it was. I was always looking to the future and when I got to a certain place and then I’d finally be happy. After graduation, I found myself severely let down and here I was waiting for my life to start. Waiting for (fill in the blank) to happen. And I was beyond annoyed with myself. I suppose that is what happens when you’re purposeful in your life. When you take the time to figure out where you are going, where you want to be and when you want your life to go fantastic places. At least I had figured out a long time ago that waiting on someone else to make you happy was the quickest way to be miserable. I knew that I had to be happy with myself to be happy with anyone else and I’m thankful I learned that lesson because I don’t think I could be as happy as I am now in my current relationship. That and he is totally awesome…that sure helps :) Anyway, I digress. I think you also have to realize that you have to be happy where you are right now in your life and when the other stuff finally happens you can be happy there too. It makes sense now that I realized it. At the time though it was a downward spiral I had no way out of. Its part of appreciating what you have and not always looking to the things you want. I mean it’s good to have goals and to work toward something but that can’t be the only key to your happiness either. One other important part I’m starting to realize is you can’t compare your journey with anyone else’s. You have to be willing to love your life how it is, not how you think it should be. On the outside maybe people would not define my life as a success up until this point because I’m 31, just graduated from school, looking to start over in a career, being divorce, renting an apartment and still finding my way. It starts to mess with your head when you see your peers at different points in their lives. But the truth is I’m just as happy in my life and maybe even more then some of my friends are that own their houses, have careers and are married with babies. Those are not the only markers to success. A lot of times you are made to believe that but it is not true. I’m brave enough to start over when I found my life miserable. I love myself enough to want to be happy and grow in a positive direction. I have a life that I am proud of and I will continue to be proud with whatever steps I take to make my life all I know it can be. I won’t be afraid because of what others think or be discouraged by what they say. This is my life and I decide what makes me happy. So the moral of this story is this is YOUR life and your story. Not anyone else's. You have to live your life for you and do what you know will make you happy. You have to appreciate what you have while you have it. Grow and change and become the person you want to be but don’t lose sight of what is in your life right now and the parts of you that will always remain. You are not a failure if you keep trying. And it’s never too late to start over again. Don’t be afraid to do what it takes to reach your goals and dreams. You can’t be too afraid to try because you’ll always regret it. Be a person the child version of you would be proud of. We are all works in progress but that is the most important, that you are progressing. No one wants to stand still. If in 10 years you are at the same point in your life you’d be so pissed. I know I would. Don’t compare your life to someone else's. So go do all those things you were too afraid to do. You only have today, this moment, so make it count.

Birthday Ramblings...

My birthday is coming up this weekend. Yay, another year older and another chance to re-evaluate and change things. I know, I’m such a dork that these things excite me. It makes me think back on other birthdays, how far I’ve come since them and where I want my life to go in the future. I can’t predict what my future holds but I know where I want to go and I know that I’m going to fight hard for what I deserve. If I’ve learned anything in this life it’s that you have to fight for what is right for you, no one else is going to do that for you. You have to be your own hero, save yourself and be your own cheerleader. You are the one that has to move your own life forward. You are in charge of your happiness and I definitely choose to be happy. Appreciate what you have, change the things that you don’t like/want in your life and keep it moving. Sometimes in that process you figure out who is really in your corner, who you want to keep in your corner and who you might have underestimated. Over the last few years I have learned who my real friends are, I have learned how much I can depend on my family and what part I play in those relationships (good and bad). I’ve learned over time where I have to stand my ground and I know that people who truly are my friends are willing to go with me on my journey. They are willing to stand by my side in the unknown, the unstable ground and sometimes help me along. They believe in me when I don’t believe in my self. These are the people who remind me of who I am when I forget. They give me advice when I’m too emotional to see things clearly. They tell me what I need to hear and in a way that makes sure I hear it. These are the people who have seen the very best and worse of me and they remind me of all those good things in me. They tell me when I’m being ridiculous and bring back to reality. A lot of people have fallen out of my life and I know that it was for the best. I know the people who are left are the ones I care about giving my energy to and that I get that back from them. I’ll never be sorry about the time I spent with the people that are no longer a part of my life but I also won’t be sorry for where I stand now. I won’t apologize for the journey I had to take and I won’t justify the reasons that I am where I am now. That’s the thing with your true friends, you don’t have to. They know you, they listen to you, they get you in ways sometimes you don’t even get yourself. They know that you are a good person with a kind heart and they can interrupt your actions through that lens. I’m lucky for the wonderful people I have in my life and I’m glad I learned the lessons I need to from the people who are no longer here. I think life is really what you make of it. I know that I have a lot of potential to do great things and it is up to me to push and believe in myself enough to do those things. I can let things stand in my way or I can fight for what is right for me. I know that I’m stronger than I let on to be and I can do whatever it takes to make things happen. I know that my life is up in the air right now since I graduated from school but I know that I’m on my way to great places. It just takes some time and I have to be patient. I know that I have good people in my life behind me and I know that it will all work out in the end. I’m excited for my birthday and to celebrate with a few close friends. I’m excited to get away for the weekend to celebrate another birthday gone and another awesome year to come. If 31 is anything like 30 has been, then I will be a happy girl. I have a family that loves me, friends that are awesome and the best boyfriend in the world. What more can a girl ask for?

Psst...

Ok this underlying yuckiness has got to get the hell out. I have so much to be happy about yet I have this little voice in my head making me feel down and it has to stop. Today, I’m telling that bitch to GTFO I’m sorry but I can’t have her constantly telling me that I shouldn’t be proud, that I suck, that I’m gonna mess everything up, that I’m not good enough. Just because she is afraid of succeeding, doesn’t mean I am. Just because she hates taking risks and tries to tell me I shouldn’t risk anything either, that doesn’t mean I’m gonna listen. Doesn’t she know I stopped listening to her a long time ago? Doesn’t she know how strong I am and I do what I want? Doesn’t she know that she has no power over me? Stupid bitch. The thing is she doesn’t care about any of that. She is a relentless whore who just keeps trying to chip away at my confidence. I used to let her get the best of me but I don’t any more. She just caught me at a weak moment so she almost slipped back in but I’m too tough for that crap. See what I’m saying, she’s dumb. Like I said, I have so much to be happy about. I’m graduating with my bachelor’s degree, I’m interviewing for jobs (had an interview with a job I really REALLY want yesterday), my one year anniversary in Friday with the best boyfriend in the entire world, I’m getting ready to go on a super fun trip, and I just have the best people in my life. I can’t let her negative voice get my feeling anything but excited and happy about all of that. I guess it is all about rebuilding me and some times I slide back into a person I wasn’t proud to be. It’s all an ongoing process. So this is what I’m doing to shut her up… I’m going to focus on all the great things in my life, remind myself of what I have to be thankful for. I’m going to focus on the things I do have control over and fix the things I can. I’m going to do what I can with what I have and that’s it. I’m going to let myself feel happy and proud of what I have accomplished over these last two and a half years. I can’t focus on the bad that has happened and I won’t let that take away from what I did. What I did, all on my own, in spite of that crap. So here is to celebrating an awesome year. One that I can be proud of and that I got to see so many of my dreams come true. Hopefully in 2013 all kinds of good things will come!

Am I enough?

Things have been going well for me. Moving forward, getting things done, trying to put everything in their place. I’m trying to change things I have control over and let things go I don’t. Life is all about what you make of it, I’m trying to make it great. Maybe that is the perfectionist in me talking… So as I struggle with the anxiety and trying to come to peace with myself and where I am, I have thought a lot about how my past is still influencing my present. I mean it is a given to a certain extent. We are who we are because the past has led us here. All the parts that make up who we are, it was made from all the places, the people, the memories from our past. The past brings us to where we are now. But it doesn’t have to dictate the direction we go. It doesn’t have to tell us that if we failed in the past, we will fail again. We get to direct our sails in any direction we can and really it is up to us to decide. Humans are capable of change, believe it or not. I have hope in my heart that I can make things different for myself. Not so long ago I found myself in a dead marriage that I didn’t even realize had died. I was so consumed in my own stuff that I didn’t see what was going on around me. Truth is I didn’t care. I had been hurt by him so much and so often and I just didn’t care anymore. Not like I should have. I didn’t look at him the way a wife should look at her husband, I know that now. I didn’t think he was the best thing ever, the person I was meant to be with forever, my best friend. I didn’t think I deserved that so it didn’t faze me that he was none of those things. It’s so sad to me that I put myself in that situation and that it ended so badly. I realize how much of the fault is mine and how badly I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. At the very core of who I am, I’m terrified that A. is going to leave me. Not because of what he is or how he treats me or a gut feeling because of him. It is based solely on my past and my self esteem issues. I know that, I’m conscious of it but that doesn’t make me self sabotage any less. I can see myself doing it, I can see myself shutting down, it’s ugly and I don’t want to watch but I do it. It’s like I can’t stop myself. Like this hurt inner child runs this show and she’s gonna do whatever it takes to protect us. To protect my heart and make sure it doesn’t get blown up again. She’s kind of a drama queen like that. I love that little girl in me, I do but she has got to stop this. I don’t want to lose him because I can’t get out of my own way. The truth is I am crazy madly in love with A. He is everything I never knew I wanted in someone else. Every time I look at him I think he is the best thing ever. He is my favorite person in the whole world and I cannot get enough of him. He treats me better than I have ever been treated before. He makes me so incredibly happy. I catch myself smiling for no reason at all besides the fact that he loves me too. I know this kind of love doesn’t happen all the time and to get that person to feel the same about you really doesn’t happen often. I know I’m lucky, I know what I have is special, I know that I want to be with him forever and I love him with my whole heart. But there is this fear that in spite of all that, in spite of my best efforts, that it won’t be enough. Because I’m not enough. As the title on my blog tells you, I have always struggled with not feeling like I’m enough. It is one of those core values, core beliefs that I have carried with me since the beginning of time. It’s something I have the hardest time shaking. Even when I love myself and want an awesome life for myself. There is this small, nagging voice reminding me of that fact. It’s not a fact, I know that, I know what I am capable of. I know that I can do great things with my life and I know A. is just as lucky to have me as I am to have him. Sure I mess up but I also am giving this all I have. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe I don’t have it all to give to him. Maybe my heart was more critically broken then I thought. Maybe I don’t have it in me to truly love him with my whole heart. Maybe I just love him with all that is left of it. Maybe with his help, his love, his tenderness we can find the other pieces or fix it or transfuse some other pieces to make it whole again. Maybe we can do something together to make me whole again. Because for the first time in my life I have someone who I know backs me up 100%, who will always be there (as long as I let him) and will help me pick up whatever pieces are left. Because he believes in me and loves me that much. Trust me, I know how lucky I am. So here I am. Putting that negative sentiment out of me in hopes that if I give it a voice and hear how crazy I sound that I will be able to overcome the nagging voice I can’t seem to shut up. I’m hoping by saying what I’m afraid of that I can get it out of me and move on. I read somewhere that if a relationship does fail it’s going to hurt either way. If you put 100% in, if you trust them completely, if you love them like crazy at least then it stands a chance. If you half ass it, if you don’t give your partner the best of you, if you cut them down, there is no way it could last. I mean seriously, how could it? Me pushing A. away, not giving him a fair chance, not being open and myself, me shutting down and not communicating with him is not going to help us. If he leaves me because something I did it’s not going to hurt any less than if he left even when I gave him everything I had, when I gave my best effort, my everything. One just leaves me with way more regrets. So why not have no regrets. The hurt is still going to hurt. I have no control over what he is going to do all I know is I will never give up on what we have. And that has to be enough. I have to be enough. As I let my worrying and anxiety go, I have to know I don’t have control over what is going to happen in the future. All I can do is try my best, learn from my mistakes and hope for the best. I have found the one that my soul loves and I can’t give that anything less than all I’ve got. I don’t want to live with that kind of regret. I owe it to that little girl inside me to prove that voice wrong. I need to show her that we are loved and enough for someone to stay for a very long time. I won’t give up on us