Finding my place in the world

I’ve been so afraid of the changes that are coming up in my life that it has stopped me from doing anything. I was paralyzed in fear and the worst part is I didn’t even fully realize it. I was hiding behind the comfort of my life and I didn’t want to move forward. It will be good but scary at the same time. I mean I’m looking at changing so much of my life and that is scary. Especially for someone who feels she needs to be in control of every aspect of her life. The thing is I really like my life as it is now. I mean yes I will really enjoy not working and doing my internship and actually having free time. But I like things as they are now and I just wonder how all these changes will affect things. I really like living where I live (while it has very apparent draw backs…like running into people I really would rather never see again). I’m comfortable here, I know where things are, I know what I like to do, I like the routine of it all. I’m so scared what these changes mean for the BF and me. I love him to pieces and the way our relationship is now. What happens when we move? Will he really move where ever I go? What about his dog and my poor kitty? What is going to happen with them? Are they going to get along when we live together? What if he doesn’t like the town where I get a job? What if I don’t like the job I get? Or the place we live? What if it drives us apart? What if he can’t find a job he likes there? What if it is really far from my family and how will I juggle that? What if, what if, what if… Those are some of the thoughts roaming around in my head. They had me so scared to even start applying for jobs; I didn’t even know where to start. So in my attempts to stop the worrying and anxiety this week, I set a goal of applying for 5 jobs this week. I have done that so that has definitely helped relieve some of the pressure. I decided I was just going to have to start applying where there was a job that sounded interesting to me, that I seemed to meet the qualifications for and to widen what I was looking for. I’m hopeful today and that is good. It’s a nice feeling. I feel more motivated than I have in while and it feels so nice. I guess I decided to not let all that stuff hold me back anymore. Life is all about the unknown. You have to be able to move forward and not just be stuck in the place you are. Each day brings you closer to where you want to be and closer to death, so you can’t waste it. I don’t want to waste my time here. If the BF and I don’t work out, sure I’ll be crushed but I’ll survive. I have picked up my pieces before and I can do that again. Of course nothing about how he is or how we are makes me feel like that is a real option but there is that self doubt in me that says he is a boy and he will leave. Sigh. If I don’t like my job at least I’ll have the experience and I can keep looking for something I will like. I have to start somewhere and I made that tiny step in the right direction. The point is all those things that I worry about may or may not happen. I can’t let the ‘what ifs’ hold me in a place that keeps me from moving my life forward. I only got the one and damn it I’m not wasting it. So I’m trying the best I can for the type A, control wanting heart of mine to embrace the unknown. To calm down and let life happen. To guide it in a way I can be proud of but also in a way that I can watch it unfold. Just another part of my anxiety ridding puzzle.

New revelation

I have been researching how to get my worrying under control which led me to a word that kept coming up and I never thought as a description for me…Anxiety. I mean it makes sense but I never thought of it that way and now a lot of my feelings and how I deal with them makes so much more sense. I found an article that is supposed to help you deal with the anxiety and constant worry and I think it might help. One of the things I have been focusing on is writing down my worries that way they aren’t just floating around in my head and popping up over and over again. If I had a concrete list that would make it visible what I’m so worried about and help me to figure out where that worry is coming from. You know, the real root cause of it. Also this helps me to figure out how to deal with it. Is there an actual solution to stop the worry or am I just worrying about something that may or may not ever happen. Like worrying about finding a job…easy start applying for jobs Rather than worrying about the BF leaving me because I’m not good enough…that kind of crap just can’t fly. He’s given me no reason to think this and is actually rather amazing and really in love with me. Note to self – don’t mess that up! You see there is the worry that I can do something about and the worry that is just not constructive. The worry I can find solutions for and the worry I have to challenge myself on. It’s been good to start that list. It’s been cleansing and I feel a weight start to lift. Even if that is temporary, it feels good. The thing is I have been running from the things that make me feel better, the things that make everything clear. I hadn’t been working out because of an injury and that is when I sort so many things out. I hadn’t been writing because I was scared to unearth the whys of what I was going through. I’ve been scared of facing the music and I stayed hidden behind the excuses and the rationalizations. Maybe I needed that break from myself. I’m not going to beat myself up over it but I’m back now. I’m ready to deal. I’m ready to move on and be a happier person. I know that so much of me is a bundle of nervous energy. Worrying about others, worrying about how I impact the people around me, trying to be the best person I can be and not allowing for mistakes, being everything I think I should be and at the same time not really knowing who that is. I want to embrace my work in progress, I want to embrace the fact that not everything is in my control and in the end it will all be ok. I want to slow down, I want to enjoy this time in my life. I know I’m scared, that is a part of who I have been most of my life. But you can be scared and still make changes in your life. Change can be good, pushing out of your comfort zone is good. It can all be good. And sometimes it can be bad but you know what, I survived bad before and I’ll do it again. I have a survivor in me and if anything she has grown stronger. She will carry me through the rough times that will happen, that’s life and inevitable. But my worry will not keep it from coming. My worry will only make myself miserable and I’m tried of being my own worst enemy. So worry, know your days are limited. Your residency in my brain is going to be short lived. I will not worry my life away any more. I will get my shit together and focus my energy constructively. You only have this one life to live, why not live it the way you want. The way that makes you happy. The way that you will be proud of in the end. Part of that for me is stopping the anxiety and breathing deeply. It’s on my radar now, and when you get on my radar I go after you. Hard. Be prepared.

Worry, worry, worry

I’ve been thinking lately about how high strung I am. I worry about everything and while I know I could be worse, I could be a lot better about it. I’ve really tried to be more laid back but it’s hard to change the core of who you are. I mean I didn’t used to be so high strung but I’ve always been cautious and responsible and the voice of reason. I mean I’ve done things I shouldn’t in my life but I’m usually a responsible person. Not that that is all bad but worrying and over thinking for the sake of worrying and over thinking is craziness and I’m going to give myself an ulcer. It helps that the boyfriend is laid back and can remind me when I start on my tailspin. We were going to visit my brother this Saturday and he invited us to go out with him and his girlfriend which is great but I had made other plans. Trying to be everything to everyone (which is another of my flaws) I start trying to figure it all out, getting frustrated because I don’t have all the information (like where, when, what exactly he had in mind) and my mind starts to spin. I try and voice my tail spin but it only comes out in short, cut off sentences. “But what are we suppose…” I trail off “What am I supposed to tell…” “Why doesn’t he…” My mind is racing. The BF then says “I don’t see why you are getting all upset about this”. I’ve heard this before. From my best friend (who is by all accounts my therapist) and I stop what I’m saying. It’s still going on in my mind but obviously verbalizing it is only making him uncomfortable and why do that. I continue to drive, I hear the thoughts in my head, I try to breath and focus and I drive. After a while he notices my silence (probably because of my crazy non-sentences that had been rattled off before) and grabs my hand. “What’s wrong” he asks. “Nothing”. “What’s wrong, tell me” “Nothing, I love you” "I love you too, what is wrong?" He looks at me and I remember what is really important and that this unnecessary worry will sort itself out. I hear how silly I am being and how I don't even want to explain how the crazy train (my brain) is going. He has a way with me like that though. He calms me, centers me, makes me see what is important and what isn’t. He’s great like that. So I have been thinking a lot about that. How wound up I get, how silly it is to waste my energy that way, and how I can stop. I know it is going to be difficult but I know I can do whatever I put my mind to. Plus I have this wonderful reminder constantly telling me to calm down and breath. He is a beautiful reminder. So any suggestions on how to stop a tailspin? Go to my happy place and think of puppies and kittens? I need help because I’ve felt so crazy overwhelmed with all the things going on in my life and over thinking them to death. I’m finishing my internship in the next month and a half, I’m looking for jobs, I have a sick kitty, I’m trying to spread my time with people that matter most and I feel pulled in a million directions (welcome to the real world, right?). So any suggestions would be great. Maybe I should take up meditation or try to get back into yoga (as my wrist allows). Or maybe take up Tae Bo again and get some of that energy out that way. This is my life and I don’t want to worry it away...

Thoughts on remarriage

I try not to double blog but this one really applies for this blog but I also posted to my SP blog... I have to tell you when I see or hear about a fellow divorcee being happy, I’m extra thrilled for them. Especially when it comes to having a successful subsequent relationship after a divorce. I can only speak to my own experience but I have to think they have had to face similar obstacles which makes their happiness extra special to me. You’re made to feel like you are a failure, you messed up, you got your chance at happily ever after and you blew it. You obviously can’t be married otherwise you still would be. You’re made to feel like you are less than, flawed in some way because you were part of a marriage that failed. I guess it’s something about making that promise of forever, the signing of that legal contract and having it fail despite your best efforts, that makes it worse than if a long term relationship breaks up. Often times you feel like there isn’t life after divorce, divorce is rock bottom, you rarely think of the life you might have afterward. It’s certainly not something you look forward to. For me it was never something I wanted or ever thought I would go through. It was never an option I really ever considered and it was forced upon me regardless of how I felt on the matter. He cheated and he didn’t want me anymore. Decision made, apparently that easily. And regardless of the how’s or why’s, you are still judged for that one fact. People hear you’re divorced and all kinds of negative things swarm through their minds. It is negative and I’m not necessarily an advocate for it but sometimes it happens in spite of what you wanted or how hard you tried. But the aftermath does not have to devastate you forever. You can be happy after a divorce and thrive in spite of it. Divorce doesn’t have to be something that defines you or defines who you are in any relationship that happens in the future. You messed up but that isn’t the end of the story. Unless you make it so, it doesn’t rule out a happily ever after in your future. When I see the divorcee happy and living life and doing what they always wanted to do, it makes me proud of them for taking something that is such an isolating and lonely experience and learning from it, finding a beautiful life after all that. Instead of dwelling on the ugliness they come out the other side maybe a little scarred but better than before. I found out the other day that one of my friends (that was finalizing her divorce as I was starting mine) is engaged. I knew she had a serious boyfriend that she lived with and was really happy with him. We had conversations about it, how she wanted the same for me, that I too would find someone who would make my whole world change and I could be happy in a relationship too. Back then I was perfectly content being alone and happy but then I thought about it and what if there was someone out there that I could be happy in a relationship too. I wondered what that could be like for me. She gave me hope for something I never really could acknowledge that I wanted. And now that I find myself 8 months into a relationship with someone who seems so oddly perfect for me and makes me happier than I ever imagined someone else could make me, I realize that I was defining relationships on what I had before, not what I deserved or what was possible. I see now that not all guys are the same, that there are ones out there that will show you how much you mean to them, make your life better, make you happy and maybe, just maybe, won’t break your heart. I was just beyond excited for her that she found her happily ever after and I know part of that has to do with the fact that she’s been through hell too. I know the heartache divorce imparts on the individual. And how at the time that pain feels so permanent. You wonder how you can ever come back and feel normal again. And to be happy? It seems almost out of the question. No matter how amicable the divorce may be there still are scars and feelings of inadequacy left behind. And if the divorce isn’t amicable (like mine) the wounds can be so much deeper and so much more debilitating. So for me to have that person who endured so much, who came out the other side of something so life-changing, and is happy and smiling. It just makes me really happy for them finally getting what they deserve. They took their life in their hands and they found a path that led them to where they belong. I still don’t know where my life will take me and if I’ll end up marrying the boyfriend but I’m hopeful that I can have a successful relationship, that maybe I have found someone who thinks I’m worth fighting for and wants this as much as I do. Which is completely crazy to even think of. I know it’s fairly new, I know a lot could happen, but I’m so happy with him, where I’m at, and it’s become easy for me to think of forever with him. And I’ve come really far to be able to say that. My divorce was not a good experience. It’s not something you ever hope for as a married person and it’s not something you want for your marriage. But I know that the fact that I was divorced does not doom me forever. It doesn’t mean I can’t be happily married some day. It doesn’t make me less than and to have someone who sees me as something so wonderful and so beautiful is beyond words. It’s sad to me that I wasted so much of my life with someone who thought so little of me when someone this amazing was out there waiting for me. It almost makes the struggle worth it.

I'm just winging it

Has it really been since May that I have checked in here? I suppose it has been a busy summer between work, my internship and spending time with friends and family. So please forgive me. One of my goals was to blog more and that just has not happened. Obviously. I have spent the better part of the summer in a weird emotional funk and have slowly been coming out of it. I think a lot of my emotions have been involved in this new relationship and trying to figure out where my life is going and how the new BF will fit into that. It’s been a lot of figuring out who is really there for me and making places in my life for people who actually have my best interest at heart. At 30, I thought I’d have these lessons learned by now but I suppose learning is a life long endeavor. I’m crazy in love with the new BF and have never felt this way before about anyone in my life and that is wonderful. It’s so amazing to feel so head over heels with such an awesome person and to have those feelings reciprocated. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. But even though I was in a long term relationship and married, I struggle with the fact I have no idea what it means to be a partner in a good, healthy relationship. I find myself feeling so insecure in what I’m doing and falling back on old patterns that I know are nothing but destructive and hurtful. I’m conscious of it so that has got to help but it’s annoying. The new BF is amazingly patient and sweet with me so I know things will turn out well but it doesn’t help that I’m always second guessing myself. Always questioning myself and not trusting myself to make the right/healthy decision. I’ve started to focus more on the positives I bring into a relationship, focus on what is going on between us (not on how I read into things based on my past) and just hope for the best. I suppose there is a lot in life like that. Things you actually don’t have any idea of what you are doing but stumbling your way through. We are all doing that to one extent or the other in a lot of areas of our lives. Trying different things out and hoping for the best outcome. In December I’ll graduate from school and then who knows where my life will take me. I hope where ever it is, he will be along with the ride. But regardless of how any of this turns out I know that I’m strong, lovable, and will make it through what ever life has to throw at me. Hopefully with a cute boy at my side :)

Rebuilding and summer plans

Rebuilding your life is an interesting process. When it is in pieces around you, you have no idea how or what you can piece it back together to be. I think for me it was more about leaving those pieces alone and starting new. While for a while I wanted to pretend none of it even happened, I realize soon enough the need to deal with it and accept what happened but not let it define who I was or my future. I know there are times I still struggle, especially with the anger but I know I’m really far ahead of where I could be in the grand scheme of things. In one of my classes we learned about divorce and the impact on children, how it was best to handle it, that kind of thing and they said it takes two years to get used to all the changes divorce causes. My two years will be in September and I have to tell you every day, every month I love where my life is and where it is going. It’s really not that long ago but I feel like a totally different person. I have rebuilt myself and my life into something so different from who I was. It’s an amazing accomplishment if you think about it. From the rubble you come through and thrive. Not everyone can do that and get stuck in that really dark place. I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little nervous about this summer. Since the divorce started I’ve been in school. I did drop down to one class one semester but other then that I’ve been plugging away. It’s a little unnerving to think about all the time I’m going to have on my hands and all the things I can do. I’m hoping that I have dealt enough with all the stuff that I can just enjoy my summer with the new bf and everything will super great. I guess I shouldn’t really hope because I know I have done what I can and if anything comes up I will be able to deal with it. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t cross my mind though. One of the big things that has become glaringly clear to me is how much control I have in my life, even in uncontrollable situations. You have to be able to take what parts you can control and focus there. While I had no control over what was done to me, I had control over what part I played in it and what I did with the pieces after. I can be the victim or I can be my own hero. I prefer to be my own hero and make my story what I want it to be. I’m embarrassed that I spent so long in a place where I didn’t realize that, where I didn’t realize my own worth, where I stayed with someone like him and let him treat me the way he did. I’m embarrassed that he is my ex-husband as opposed to some dude I dated and when I figured out what a tool he was I let him go. But that is all in my past and I can’t change that. So you deal with the emotions as they arise and move on. The one emotion I have a hard time with is the anger. I’m so much happier without him and so much happier then I thought was possible with the new bf. But I’m angry about what he did to me. I’m angry at him for not seeing how amazing I was and all that I did do for him and not giving me enough respect to end things the way they deserved. I’m angry with myself for not seeing where this was going and ending it so much sooner. I’m angry that I made it ok for him to treat me the way he did and that I clung on to something that was so long gone or maybe that I never really had with him. I’m angry that he has done so many awful things to me and yet somehow karma has not kicked him in the nuts yet. I’m angry that I feel so angry toward him. I don’t want him to take up residence in my life or my mind at all. Having the anger seems like its keeping him in my life and I hate that. I wish awful things on him and the girl he cheated on me with and that really isn’t me. I’m a nice person, I try to be nice to everyone, I’m compassionate and kind. It’s not in my nature to hate or wish terrible things on someone. But I do on them. And I know how much of a waste of time it is. Can’t I just hope something terrible happens to them and I can never think of them again? How do I resolve the anger without forgiving or without saying it was ok? How do you get over the anger when they haven’t been punished for what they did? How do they get to destroy someone’s life and they get to be happy and ok? That just doesn’t seem fair. And maybe that is where it all lies. Life isn’t fair. I know that so well but yet we expect it to be. I guess we just have to do the best we can with what we have and hope that things turn out as we deserve. Sometimes it doesn’t but then sometimes it does. I think about the crazy amount of love I feel for the bf and I question why am I so lucky to have found that. But when I really think about the crap I’ve been through it seems almost more that maybe that is the universe throwing me a bone. Like “you have been so good for so long and got crapped on all along the way. We see how hard you are trying and here is something absolutely beautiful for your life”. Maybe it’s a reward for always trying to do the right thing, for always trying to be a good person. Finally things are going your way because you earned it, you deserve it. And maybe I need to stop questioning it. So this summer I have a lot of things I want to do and one of things I need to work through is my anger. I have to let it go and release all the ugliness that comes with it. I know that but when you have every right to feel that angry it’s hard to let it go. After all the suffering, it’s hard to just let it go. But I will. I’m determined and you see what happens when I set my mind to things. Beautiful things happen.

Thoughts about relationship demise

I’ve come across a few things in the last few weeks that I feel like I need to reflect on. So bare with me.

The first was from my friend while we went for a morning walk in Mexico. She prefaced it with, ‘I don’t want to offend you, or upset you or anything but my husband and I were talking and we were wondering why did he leave you for that? We just don’t understand the reasoning behind it’.
I struggled with that too, for a really long time and I don’t know if it became clear to me until the conversation that followed. The girl he cheated on me with is larger then I am. She is actually probably the size I was when we got married, my heaviest, my rock bottom as far as the weight thing goes. She was who I was before I decided I wanted more of my life, before I grew up. Of course he would find her appealing, he was looking for an immature idiot like himself and when I stopped being that I wasn’t appealing to him anymore. But we were married and we were stuck.
After we got married I realized I didn’t want to live my life standing still. I wanted more. I wanted to do all the things I dreamed of but was too afraid to act on. I changed and for him that wasn’t a good thing. I think the way I lived my life was hard for him. He liked being lazy, sitting around, doing nothing. One day I asked him what he wanted from his life to which he replied with, ‘I don’t know’. I asked do you just want to work, drink and brew beer and that’s it? He replied with yeah pretty much. I didn’t understand how he didn’t have dreams, how he didn’t want to make more of his life then just to merely exist. It was very apparent that we were two totally different people. He could not understand my yearning for more, my need to make my life something special, my want to help others. The empathetic, caring girl married a self-centered, heartless boy. How could that ever work?
The girl he cheated on me with was similar in aspects to the old me (minus the self respect, integrity and conscious not to sleep with a married person). She made it ok for him to be who he was. He could be lazy and fat and not want more of his life. That is what he wanted and I couldn’t be that girl. He didn’t want to feel bad about his life and how he lived it. I’m not saying excusing what he did in any way because I will never be ok with it. I know I deserved more then that and I deserved him being an adult and ending our marriage in a more deserving way. But I think that is asking too much for him. He is far too immature to have handled it in any way then how he did. None of this should have been a surprise but since I lied to myself for so long, it was. He was exactly who he showed me he was; it just took me forever to see it. And I think there is something to understanding the whys behind it for your own piece of mind and to put yourself as ease that maybe you won’t make the same mistake in the future.

Second…“People don’t cheat if they are happy”
My teacher said it in class about divorce and co-parenting.
At first the comment made me defensive. It reminded me about Dr. Laura and how she tries to blame the woman for men cheating on them. Again I will repeat I did not deserve to be cheated on. I did not deserve him throwing me away like he did. I deserved more then that.
But to understand what happened to me I have to admit to myself that he wasn’t happy with me. I can’t say that I’m totally responsible for his unhappiness because I did try to make him happy but as unhappy as I was I couldn’t really do that. In a relationship isn’t that the point, for both partners to be happy? I know I wasn’t perfect but no one could say I didn’t try. And he sure as hell wasn’t trying to make me happy anymore either but after a while I stopped trying with him too. The thing is I wasn’t the person for him just as much as he wasn’t the person for me. We were not going to be able to make each other happy because we both wanted two totally different things. You cannot make a square peg fit into a round hole no matter how hard you try. And you can’t make that square peg change no matter how well your intentions are, no matter how much better it would make that square peg’s life. You keep trying to jam that peg in and in time you will just be frustrated and eventually stop trying. You shut down, you give up but what if you are legally bound to the hole or the peg? It makes giving up hard and scary and makes you stay in a situation you would have walked away from a long time ago.

I’m mature enough to realize that we weren’t the right people for one another and that is how it should have ended. Not inflicting more pain on one another. Unfortunately he will probably never really understand that and not that that matters because the results of his actions are the same. He intentionally broke my heart because he could and the fall out was mine to deal with. It doesn’t matter to him (or to his girlfriend) that he destroyed another person because he is too heartless to think of someone else even if he promised me he would never hurt me like that. Promises to people like that are just another lie they spew to get what they want at the time. Genuine, honest people have a hard time understanding that mentality. Anyways the main thing I’m trying to say is that I knew I wasn’t happy and would be crazy to think he was. But I didn’t realize he was as unhappy as I was. I didn’t realize how unfixable we were. I was completely delusional thinking I could fix it, that somehow it wasn’t yet beyond repair. I didn’t want to give up on him and I thought I was the one that was most miserable. I was the only one voicing it anyways. Every opportunity he had to say something he never did. I was blindsided by the cheating because I was in denial about how unhappy WE were. I only saw how unhappy I was.

Multicausality
I learned about this in my attempts to catch up with my readings for another class before my test on Thursday. The basic concept is that there are multiple causes that get people to where they are, requiring the need to get help from others. People with the same issue don’t get there in the same way, for the same reasons; there are lots of causes ending in the same result, say divorce or alcoholism. It’s hard to pinpoint how or why people get to where they are because they vary and for one person there are multiple causes. I thought about that in the context of the divorce. The cheating was the last incident that completely broke us, but we were mostly shattered before that whether I wanted to admit it or not. And not admitting it didn’t make it any less real. I was trying to hold us together and not very well. There were probably a million reasons and all complicated. I think it is important to identify as many as you can so you can resolve them and move on. I think it’s important to take responsibility for your part in the damage so you can be better next time. I think that people often like to blame the other person for their part in the demise but both parties contribute. As my teacher said, maybe not 50/50, sometimes even 90/10, but both have a part in it. I know where my blame lies. I have reflected a lot about my role as wife and where I played into our faults. I see where my shutting down and side stepping problems caused larger unresolved cracks. I realize now how my poor self esteem held me back and kept me in the role he wanted, but one I despised. But that is who I was when we met so I can’t blame him for wanting what I once was. He liked that insecure little girl, he didn’t want a woman who was self confident and loved herself. I changed. For me it was for the better no doubt, but for our relationship it wasn’t. I wasn’t honest with myself about what I needed. When I figured it out and tried to talk to him about it, he tried to push me back into my old self. And I shut down. I didn’t want the conflict when I tried to ‘fix’ things and nothing got better. No matter how much I wanted things better between us it didn’t change the fact that we were on different paths that were not compatible. I was not his mother and it was not for me to decide what was best for his life. But I hard time seeing that. He’s an adult and was hell bent on dragging himself down and there was nothing I could do to stop that (no matter how well intended I was). He was going to drink himself into a stupor and made it very clear I had no control over him and what he did. I was a wife, not a mother. I was married to an immature idiot who liked to drink too much, but I chose to marry him. I did it to myself in a sense. The point is that we all make decisions in life and you have to take responsibility for your part in that decision. Not everything happens to us. We are active participants in our lives. Things to happen to us but we do have the control over how react to those things. There are a lot of reasons why we are who we are and just as many reasons as to why our relationships are the way they are. It’s the sum of what two people bring to the table and there are some reasons to why we act the way we do in those interactions. Good and bad.

Since I find myself in love with a new fella I can’t help but want to resolve as many of my issues from my past as I can. Because I want the best relationship I can muster, I don’t want to set us back before we have a chance to become something beautiful. We both deserve the best we can put into this. I guess I wanted to reflect on this stuff because it had been floating around in my head and I wanted to make sense of it all. I wanted to share in case someone else was wrestling around with the same issues. It took me a year and a half to come to some of these conclusions so maybe I can save someone some time. Thanks for sticking through to all this.