I just wrote on my other blog on Sparkpeople a blog with a title "Randomness, because I'm feeling random".
Which got me thinking about something entirely different.
I do feel random lately.
Like my mind is always going a million miles a minute, trying to make sure I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing and being all the places I need to be. I feel like I'm pulled into all kinds of directions and that sometimes I don't know which end it up. All my roles in life have me in so many different directions...but I love it. I may not be a wife or even a girlfriend but I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a Godmother, a student, and a friend (just to name a few). I'm doing the things I love, like spending time with my nieces and nephews, run, Zumba, or hang out with my friends. I do the things I'm supposed to do like homework and my service learning project. I don't have much free time to watch TV or relax much but I'm doing all the important things in life and enjoying it. Even when I'm stressed and wanna pull my hair out :)
I guess my point to all this is my life is full. I'm lucky to have the things I do and the people in my life I do. I have chosen to spend my precious time with people who are amazing and have my best interest at heart. I do the things I love and even the stuff I don't love (homework!) I get an enjoyment out of doing a good job and being the best person I can be. Just because I'm quickly approaching 30 and am divorced with no new boyfriend, that doesn't mean that my life is less than or not full or that my life is sad. I have moments and some emotions to deal with but over all my life is amazing. I focus on the good and positive and let the rest heal in the time it needs to heal in. One day I will be all healed up and maybe even in a relationship again but for now I'm completely content being me and all my other randomness.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Quiet Reflections
I’ve felt rather quite lately.
I have had so much homework and work and feeling like I’m constantly doings something I *have* to do and I feel like my mind is slightly lost in it all. It definitely can be a wonderful thing to not think about the current state of your life and just go with the extremely busy flow. But usually by Saturday night it catches up with me and I feel this uneasy sadness that I wish I could make go away. I have friends, probably a bit too many pulling me in all kinds of directions. I have a family that has been more involved in my life the last year then in my life ever. I have lots of new nieces and nephews to ooo and ahh over and I love them to pieces. But then I ride the bus home and walk the four blocks home, and I can’t help but feel alone. As I go into my apartment and crawl into bed with my cat, I can’t help but feel alone.
The truth is this loneliness used to consume me. I hate to admit it but it did. I was absolutely boy crazy and wanting to prove some point that I was desirable and worthy of someone else’s’ affection. I suppose that is something cheating will do to you. You feel like something that is easily thrown away. Something that even after 10 years could be discarded so easily. It messes with your self worth and everything you thought you were. Well it can if you let it and I did for a while. I let that fear of being someone who wasn’t special enough or beautiful enough or good enough to want to be with, I let that fear or thought consume me. I had to prove it wrong. I finally figured out that somehow I had to let my self know that I wasn’t the problem, that the problem was him. I mean it was my fault for choosing a selfish little boy who could never care about me enough to not treat me like shit. But he’s decision to cheat and lie to me, that was all on him. There was nothing about me and who I am that made him do that; that is just who he is. I’m just the fool that didn’t see what he was capable of. But that is a story for another day.
Slowly that urge started to fade as time went by. I learned that I was ok on my own, that I didn’t need a guy in my life to make my life fun and complete. I realized that was truly in my own hands and I can choose to focus on that one tiny fact of not having that special someone in my life (that society/biology/everyone else in my life tells me that I should have and should strive for). Or I can focus on who I am becoming, how I want to live my life and who I want to surround me. I can choose to focus on what the aspects that are going awesome and let the rest fall away. I can’t control someone else being interested in me and lord knows I will never be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be there. But I can control how I see my life and how I decide to live the life I have. It’s not easy sometimes and sometimes that loneliness tries to creep back in but I do my best to shut it down. I remind myself of how terrible my life was when I was married and how lonely I was when I was with someone. I remind myself of all the ways it can be horribly wrong and how awesome my current life is. Being with someone else doesn’t make it any less awesome.
So I have been quietly reassessing my life. Seeing where I want it to go, who I want to be beside me on my adventures and how I want to spend my free time. That is the nice thing about divorce, you get to make this new life anything you want it to be. This change is forced on you but you get to decide the end result. You can wallow in it and sulking in the shittyness that has happened or you can eventually pick up the pieces and piece together something great. It’s all a process and the great thing of being a year out is that I can clearly see some of those pieces and how I can fit them together.
I have had so much homework and work and feeling like I’m constantly doings something I *have* to do and I feel like my mind is slightly lost in it all. It definitely can be a wonderful thing to not think about the current state of your life and just go with the extremely busy flow. But usually by Saturday night it catches up with me and I feel this uneasy sadness that I wish I could make go away. I have friends, probably a bit too many pulling me in all kinds of directions. I have a family that has been more involved in my life the last year then in my life ever. I have lots of new nieces and nephews to ooo and ahh over and I love them to pieces. But then I ride the bus home and walk the four blocks home, and I can’t help but feel alone. As I go into my apartment and crawl into bed with my cat, I can’t help but feel alone.
The truth is this loneliness used to consume me. I hate to admit it but it did. I was absolutely boy crazy and wanting to prove some point that I was desirable and worthy of someone else’s’ affection. I suppose that is something cheating will do to you. You feel like something that is easily thrown away. Something that even after 10 years could be discarded so easily. It messes with your self worth and everything you thought you were. Well it can if you let it and I did for a while. I let that fear of being someone who wasn’t special enough or beautiful enough or good enough to want to be with, I let that fear or thought consume me. I had to prove it wrong. I finally figured out that somehow I had to let my self know that I wasn’t the problem, that the problem was him. I mean it was my fault for choosing a selfish little boy who could never care about me enough to not treat me like shit. But he’s decision to cheat and lie to me, that was all on him. There was nothing about me and who I am that made him do that; that is just who he is. I’m just the fool that didn’t see what he was capable of. But that is a story for another day.
Slowly that urge started to fade as time went by. I learned that I was ok on my own, that I didn’t need a guy in my life to make my life fun and complete. I realized that was truly in my own hands and I can choose to focus on that one tiny fact of not having that special someone in my life (that society/biology/everyone else in my life tells me that I should have and should strive for). Or I can focus on who I am becoming, how I want to live my life and who I want to surround me. I can choose to focus on what the aspects that are going awesome and let the rest fall away. I can’t control someone else being interested in me and lord knows I will never be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be there. But I can control how I see my life and how I decide to live the life I have. It’s not easy sometimes and sometimes that loneliness tries to creep back in but I do my best to shut it down. I remind myself of how terrible my life was when I was married and how lonely I was when I was with someone. I remind myself of all the ways it can be horribly wrong and how awesome my current life is. Being with someone else doesn’t make it any less awesome.
So I have been quietly reassessing my life. Seeing where I want it to go, who I want to be beside me on my adventures and how I want to spend my free time. That is the nice thing about divorce, you get to make this new life anything you want it to be. This change is forced on you but you get to decide the end result. You can wallow in it and sulking in the shittyness that has happened or you can eventually pick up the pieces and piece together something great. It’s all a process and the great thing of being a year out is that I can clearly see some of those pieces and how I can fit them together.
Monday, October 24, 2011
A new kind of blog...
This blog has taken a lot of different directions since I started it. But a year ago it became something to help me find my way out of a painful divorce I chose not to see coming. It became something to help me find out who Buffy was again and figure it all out. To rebuild me into something better then when I started. But I think I was too scared to put it all out there and it was a shallow at best. I suppose I was too afraid I would hurt or offend someone else. But this is my blog and this is my truth as I see it. I know there are always two sides to every story and this is my side. This is my processing and I will not make any apologizes about that.
Over the last year I have made a lot of head way through a lot of feelings and I know that a lot of that is because of some awesome friends that would listen to me and to my wonderful Sparkpeople family that have been the most loving and supportive people I know. But that platform is a smaller and more restrictive platform and I want to spread my wings. So I’m working on my bravery and posting them here instead.
Divorce is a hard and devastating process. It messes with the very core of who you are or maybe rather who you thought you were. You have to start all over again and it sucks. I can only imagine how much more it sucks with kids. I was lucky to be conscious of the fact that I never wanted to have kids with the ex. To be fair I don’t think I ever want to have kids still (I feel a lot different about it now that he isn’t a part of the equation) but I knew I was never going to have kids with him. I knew he could never be mature enough to be a dad that I would be in that situation all by myself, so how did I ever think he could be a husband? That is why I said I CHOSE not to see it coming. I made up a lot of excuses to make his behavior and actions toward me somehow acceptable. Now I can see how truly miserable I was then and how much his actions affected me, even when I tried so hard to not let them.
One thing I have always tried to do with my life is to take responsibility for my life. Shit happens, I know that. But at some point you have to take your life into your own hands. You life, your happiness, that is all on you. I can rehash why the ex was a shitty husband but I would rather focus on why I let myself stay in such a lonely, unfulfilling relationship for so long. Why did I have such little love and respect for myself to make that kind of relationship to stay in ok? I feel like I started that relationship so young, with such low self esteem, that I never thought I deserved better. The problems started to become much more obvious when I was trying to improve my life and learn to love myself. It was that love that ended up carrying me through the process of the last year and I’m not sure what I would have done without it.
I think it is so important after a break up to take a step back, heal and find the parts in the demise that are your fault. A lot people are quick to blame others for what they did wrong and it is hard to turn the finger around at yourself but I feel like to truly heal and truly grow and to not make the same mistakes over and over again, it is so necessary. I wasn’t perfect and I had my faults too. Lots of them, I know that. But because I choose to see my fault in the relationship I can only hope that if I ever find myself in another relationship again that I will be a better girlfriend because I learned my lessons. Those major, tragic mistakes are often times the best teachers. Those lessons will stay with you forever if you take the time to learn from them.
Over the last year I have made a lot of head way through a lot of feelings and I know that a lot of that is because of some awesome friends that would listen to me and to my wonderful Sparkpeople family that have been the most loving and supportive people I know. But that platform is a smaller and more restrictive platform and I want to spread my wings. So I’m working on my bravery and posting them here instead.
Divorce is a hard and devastating process. It messes with the very core of who you are or maybe rather who you thought you were. You have to start all over again and it sucks. I can only imagine how much more it sucks with kids. I was lucky to be conscious of the fact that I never wanted to have kids with the ex. To be fair I don’t think I ever want to have kids still (I feel a lot different about it now that he isn’t a part of the equation) but I knew I was never going to have kids with him. I knew he could never be mature enough to be a dad that I would be in that situation all by myself, so how did I ever think he could be a husband? That is why I said I CHOSE not to see it coming. I made up a lot of excuses to make his behavior and actions toward me somehow acceptable. Now I can see how truly miserable I was then and how much his actions affected me, even when I tried so hard to not let them.
One thing I have always tried to do with my life is to take responsibility for my life. Shit happens, I know that. But at some point you have to take your life into your own hands. You life, your happiness, that is all on you. I can rehash why the ex was a shitty husband but I would rather focus on why I let myself stay in such a lonely, unfulfilling relationship for so long. Why did I have such little love and respect for myself to make that kind of relationship to stay in ok? I feel like I started that relationship so young, with such low self esteem, that I never thought I deserved better. The problems started to become much more obvious when I was trying to improve my life and learn to love myself. It was that love that ended up carrying me through the process of the last year and I’m not sure what I would have done without it.
I think it is so important after a break up to take a step back, heal and find the parts in the demise that are your fault. A lot people are quick to blame others for what they did wrong and it is hard to turn the finger around at yourself but I feel like to truly heal and truly grow and to not make the same mistakes over and over again, it is so necessary. I wasn’t perfect and I had my faults too. Lots of them, I know that. But because I choose to see my fault in the relationship I can only hope that if I ever find myself in another relationship again that I will be a better girlfriend because I learned my lessons. Those major, tragic mistakes are often times the best teachers. Those lessons will stay with you forever if you take the time to learn from them.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Half-marathon!
I got a fancy new phone where I can actually blog from. Not sure how often I would but kinda cool to be able to :) So here I am quickly to update on my 2nd half-marathon on Sunday. I ran the entire 13:1 miles and came in at 2:22:29! I'm thrilled with how well I did.
My running partner asked if this was going to become an every year kind of thing....I think it just might be :)
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Week 9...3 more to go?!?
Hey! Happy Wednesday :)
So last week’s workouts were right on target. I ran the miles I needed to, I ran them in the time frames that were listed, I got in my strength training workout (Bob Harper’s DVD) and everything. Course for the last one I hurt for three days so I can tell I was rather rusty. Ok honest, I hadn’t done a real strength training workout since the end of April when my wrist started bothering me so I was REALLY rusty. So I’m hoping this week I can have my second week like that.
I had a shorter long run last Saturday (7 miles) but I have my longest one to date this Saturday. 11 miles. Yikes! It is the longest one before the half-marathon (which is October 16th). I’m nervous but I know I can do it. I refuse to doubt myself. What’s the point in that? It will be good to have all that time to think. I have a big anniversary next week and I have had a lot of painful emotions floating around that I need to sort out. What better time to do that then when you are running 11 miles? Seriously over the last year I don’t know what I would have done without running. It’s been my savior and therapy. Stay tuned for an emotional post next week. You have been warned…
So last week’s workouts were right on target. I ran the miles I needed to, I ran them in the time frames that were listed, I got in my strength training workout (Bob Harper’s DVD) and everything. Course for the last one I hurt for three days so I can tell I was rather rusty. Ok honest, I hadn’t done a real strength training workout since the end of April when my wrist started bothering me so I was REALLY rusty. So I’m hoping this week I can have my second week like that.
I had a shorter long run last Saturday (7 miles) but I have my longest one to date this Saturday. 11 miles. Yikes! It is the longest one before the half-marathon (which is October 16th). I’m nervous but I know I can do it. I refuse to doubt myself. What’s the point in that? It will be good to have all that time to think. I have a big anniversary next week and I have had a lot of painful emotions floating around that I need to sort out. What better time to do that then when you are running 11 miles? Seriously over the last year I don’t know what I would have done without running. It’s been my savior and therapy. Stay tuned for an emotional post next week. You have been warned…
Monday, September 12, 2011
Sorry it's been so long...
Ok I’m well aware I have been slacking off on this blog. The last month has been crazy busy and between a trip to Florida (which was amazing :)) and back to school full-time I have been a bit stretched thin. Oh and that whole training for the half-marathon hasn’t helped. But things are starting to get into a groove so I plan on updating here more.
So the half-marathon training is going a lot better lately. I have gotten most of my training runs in (maybe skipping one or two of the short runs during the week) and the last run (9 miles!) on Sunday went really well. I was so excited that I was able to run the entire 9 miles without stopping. It’s a sense of accomplishment that is hard to describe and I cannot wait to do it for the full 13.1 miles. It’s nice to know that I have the dedication even when my life is so crazy to stick with it and accomplish my goals. It shows myself that I matter and that I won’t give up on myself even when life gets hard. Course I proved myself that last year, didn’t I? I guess then it is nice to remind myself of my strength :)
On a side note I have to say a big old congrats to my school Iowa State University on their big win against the University of Iowa (big old rivalry here in Iowa). I was there in the stands and it was such an awesome day! The cheers and energy from that crowd was amazing!
So the half-marathon training is going a lot better lately. I have gotten most of my training runs in (maybe skipping one or two of the short runs during the week) and the last run (9 miles!) on Sunday went really well. I was so excited that I was able to run the entire 9 miles without stopping. It’s a sense of accomplishment that is hard to describe and I cannot wait to do it for the full 13.1 miles. It’s nice to know that I have the dedication even when my life is so crazy to stick with it and accomplish my goals. It shows myself that I matter and that I won’t give up on myself even when life gets hard. Course I proved myself that last year, didn’t I? I guess then it is nice to remind myself of my strength :)
On a side note I have to say a big old congrats to my school Iowa State University on their big win against the University of Iowa (big old rivalry here in Iowa). I was there in the stands and it was such an awesome day! The cheers and energy from that crowd was amazing!
Monday, August 8, 2011
HM Wk 1 and 2 Review
Ok so last week wasn’t great. Actually the last two weeks of training haven’t been great. I’m keeping up slightly but had some allergy/lung illness that caused the running to be hard. Coupled with the extreme heat and humidity it was just hard. I’m looking forward to this week not having so many interruptions, cooler weather and being able to get what stuff done.
One thing I’m going to work on this week is breaking in my new running shoes. I haven’t been wearing them and my knees can tell. I always have a hard time breaking in shoes but I need to. The ones I’m running in now are the ones I trained and ran the half in last year in and have worn ever since (regular runs, two 5k races and a 10k race). I get frustrated because I want to run the whole time but with these that I have to break in I can’t do that. My feet/body just aren’t used to them. But I need to break them in, get it over with early and get on with it.
Also I’m going to work on ST. My wrist finally feels better so I’ll be able to lift weights and be much more consistent with it. Also I’m going to work on my abs when I get back from my runs. I had started and kinda slacked off last week so I want to keep that up.
Hmmm I guess that is it for now. Hopefully for next week I will have better week to report.
One thing I’m going to work on this week is breaking in my new running shoes. I haven’t been wearing them and my knees can tell. I always have a hard time breaking in shoes but I need to. The ones I’m running in now are the ones I trained and ran the half in last year in and have worn ever since (regular runs, two 5k races and a 10k race). I get frustrated because I want to run the whole time but with these that I have to break in I can’t do that. My feet/body just aren’t used to them. But I need to break them in, get it over with early and get on with it.
Also I’m going to work on ST. My wrist finally feels better so I’ll be able to lift weights and be much more consistent with it. Also I’m going to work on my abs when I get back from my runs. I had started and kinda slacked off last week so I want to keep that up.
Hmmm I guess that is it for now. Hopefully for next week I will have better week to report.
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