I am officially a half-marathoner! 2 hours, 34 minutes and all in one piece.
It took a lot to not cry during a lot of it. I just kept thinking about all that I’ve lost, for what I thought I had but never really did, for my broken heart and for all the love I have felt in the last two weeks. I kept thinking about all the people that love and support me. I kept thinking that I had to finish because I could not give up on myself.

I kept thinking about him. How if he were still around, he wouldn’t have been down there supporting me. That what I thought I had with him, was what I wanted to see, not what was really there. I had ignored the fact that he really didn’t support me and that he really cared less what I did. Not just with running or with being healthy but with most things in my life. I am starting to see how detached from my life he had gotten. I am starting to see all the things I chose to ignore.

So I ran. And each time my foot hit the pavement I ran further and further from the life I had made up in my mind. The life I thought I had, but really never did. Or hadn’t for a really long time. I ran further from him and what he did to me. I ran and in the process making me something different. I thought as I ran, about all the things I thought I felt for him and all the things I now feel. I was pretty quite for most of the run, just thinking. I thought about how proud I should be. To have picked myself up and that I am still going. I thought about how I could have let him destroy me but I chose to love myself more then he ever could. I chose that I would not let him define me anymore. He doesn’t get to decide, I do. He decided that I wasn’t enough for him and that is fine because I am enough for myself. And I was enough that day to keep running despite my broken heart. I ran for my broken heart and I wanted to know that I would not give up on myself and my goals. Just because he’s gone, doesn’t mean that my life should have less meaning in it. Just because I am not a wife anymore doesn’t mean that I have no purpose. Just because he couldn’t love me, doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to love myself. I get to decide now what meaning there is in my life. And I cannot let him decide that there isn’t any left.

I have to say I thought I would feel more when I finished. I about lost it when we were approaching the finish line and hearing all the people cheer so loudly and feeling the accomplishment of what I was about to do. I had officially ran more then I have ever run or ever thought I could. I was able to pick myself back up after something I didn’t think I could survive. I started to cry and then it was hard to breathe so I told myself to stop. I told myself just get to that finish line and then you can cry. As my running partner reached for my hand, I stopped crying and we ran, hand in hand across that finish line. We got our medals and we hugged. Proud of what we did and proud we did it together. I know I couldn’t have done it without her.

Afterward I thought I would feel more. I thought I’d bawl, overcome with all the emotion I have been feeling the entire run. I thought I would be more proud. I thought I would feel more heartache, more happiness, more of something. I remember after any of my 5ks the pride I always felt that I finished. I never trained for those but I thought just the distance of what I was about to do would blow those feelings of pride out of the water. Maybe it is because of the training that 13 miles isn’t much more then the 11 I had run before in one of my long runs. Maybe it was being worn out from running for two and a half hours. Maybe it is because of the emotional lows I have felt the last three weeks, that the high I felt from the accomplishment wasn’t equal in magnitude.

Don’t get me wrong I am proud of what I did, what we did together. Not just for finishing the half-marathon but for doing it under the circumstances I did. I just thought I would feel more. Maybe as time goes by and the heartache subsides and it sinks in, I will. Maybe when my mind can grasp everything and let go of what he did, I can. Maybe it is all just too much for my heart to take right now. Maybe there is far too much heartache that it doesn’t leave much room for anything else. Maybe I am still too tired.

But I tell you this, in my new apartment I will find a place for my medal. I will hang it and look at it and it will symbolize that I am stronger then I know. It will remind me everyday that I can and will survive whatever life throws at me and that I am the only one who decides if I will let something hold me back. It does make me look forward to tomorrow and dream of what else I can achieve. Next up is the Living History Farms Off Road Race (7 miles, crazy terrain, climbing, muddy, and apparently so much fun) November 20th. A friend of mine asked me if I wanted to do it with her. Well my running partner asked me a while ago and I originally said no because I was going to do this annual craft fair that weekend. Unfortunately I think it will be just too much while trying to pack, stay up on my school work, and moving to get anything really done for it. So I decided with a heavy heart not to do that, so I might as well do something challenging that weekend to keep my mind off it. So I decided to do it. Why not? Gotta make the most out of the life I have left.

Tough time...

I'm going through a really rough time right now and it has me thinking a lot about life and where I am going and how to handle what is being dealt to me. I keep thinking about strength and the power we somehow have within us to make it through the most difficult times in our lives. Even when your mind can't comprehend how you could ever survive living through something so awful and life changing, but somehow you do. You get up each day and you are still breathing. You are somehow still alive even though you feel dead inside. Even though you can't imagine going on for one more second. I have to take one day at a time and moment at a time and somehow I will come out the other end and be ok. I pray that I will be ok.

Whirlwind!

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I feel like my world is just spinning. Between work, school, homework for school and working out, I’m not sure I know which way is up anymore! It’s been a hard adjustment, a little harder then I realized but I am doing it. I have to say I am pretty proud of myself for all the things I have been able to accomplish and the changes I have made in my life.

The half marathon training has been going well. Some runs and some weeks, are better then others but the running partner and I are still trucking through. It’s less then a month a way and I’m getting pretty excited about it. Excited and nervous, to be honest. So far the farthest we’ve gone is 9 miles and each time we add another mile I am in disbelief. Of course each additional mile is harder then the last but it feels really great to accomplish that and to keep going. It definitely helps having the running partner at my side because it makes it easier to push through it and keeps it more interesting. It is going to be so great to cross that finish line!

I feel like I have grown a lot in the last few weeks. In terms of finding my voice, my place in the world and what I am capable of. I feel really happy with the path my life is taking and I haven’t felt that in a really long time, if ever. I love being in the learning environment and my classes are really interesting and I have been learning a lot. I feel like I am at home. I am so glad that I have been able to fit it all in and I know it will all be worth it.

As for life in general I am just trying to keep up. Seeing my friends when I can, trying to keep in touch with them and their lives, trying to remember to not ignore my husband (poor guy!). My sister is due with her first baby Sept. 25th so I am excitedly awaiting the baby’s arrival. I know that her and her husband are going to be GREAT parents and I am just so happy for them. It does seem like everyone is pregnant right now! It’s fun to see their new babies and see them as parents. In my developmental psych class we have been learning a lot about babies and how they develop in the womb and beyond. Since I never plan on going through it myself, it is nice to know what they are going through and being able to contribute to those conversations.

As for the rest of this week, I have more running, Zumba, bootcamp and lots of homework.

Some lessons I have learned...

Over the last few weeks I have learned some very valuable lessons…

Some people are just negative. I know I used to be one. I don’t know that it means you need to cut those negative people out of your lives but I do think it means you have to be careful about the amount of time you spend with them. Seek out the positive people and you will feel much better. And I think that we all sometimes need to vent and whine, but I am talking about those people who live in negativity.

Being around people who are negative makes me more negative. Even in unconscious ways. Sometimes I don’t even realize it until days later and find myself slipping and saying something nasty to myself. Then I think about it and see where it came from. That is why I think Spark is so important. I can immerse myself and maybe counter act all the other negative people in my life, with happy positive people who are working toward a similar goal as me.

Sometimes it takes a while of doing something to realize you can do it. You know, to shut up that inner voice telling you no you can’t. It takes sometimes just proving that voice wrong for it to go away and to get your inner cheerleader back. I tried to shut mine up in the weeks leading up to going back to school and the week it started. She would not shut up though no matter how many times I tried to redirect my thoughts to things that were positive. Finally though I am feeling better about it and figuring out a schedule and seeing that I can fit everything in. I can work full time, train for a half marathon, and go to school full time. And now I finally believe it.

Sometimes not solving issues causes you to act out. So deal with it. When I have stuff that is going on and making me feel sad, bad, angry, negative I tend to act out. I eat too much, drink too much, just shut down in general. If I talk it out and deal with the emotions I don’t do that. And on my quest to be healthy in all aspects in my life this is so important.

The busier we get, the more we get done. The last few weeks I have been so busy but the more I had to do the more I got done. And I got it all done. I felt a bit frazzled but I did it. And the longer I am this busy the easier it will be for me to do it.

Sometimes you have to just take a rest day. Sometimes it’s not a matter of being lazy, sometimes your body just tells you ‘Hey you have been training for a half marathon on top of you other workouts. You are working me hard and I need to rest’. I am listening.

Sometimes you just need to shut your mouth. I love being able to share things I have learned with people. About being healthy and exercise, and now with things I learn in school, whatever I think is going to help them have a better life. But sometimes I just need to shut up.
For one, if there isn’t enough time to explain all that you are talking about to make the person understand what you are talking about. You can do more damage if you tell someone part of something and aren’t able to fully explain so they truly understand. I had a girl in bootcamp asking how many calories she burned. I read the number off my heart rate monitor, almost under my breath, thinking she couldn’t hear. She did hear and a conversation ensued about it and with the help of the instructor and other students we began to explain how her number could be different and tried to help her understand how they come up with it. After getting home I realized what I had done and felt bad about it. I remember what it was like when I just started and didn’t fully understand everything. Not saying I do now, but I know a lot more and can look back and see they ways I had been lead a stray. In just taking a piece of information and not knowing fully what is behind it can really cause damage. And I don’t want to be a source of that.
And two if the listener doesn’t actually want to hear it. I was explaining this weekend what I had learned from my Developmental Psych class, with some of my friends that have just started having kids. Apparently there are studies that have shown that teaching a child sign language slows down their development of learning a spoken language. If the child it going to keep up with sign language (like has a family member who is deaf) then it is useful to teach them both. But if not, it is just delaying them learning a spoken language. I don’t know by how much but he was stating that it is not really benefiting the child like some people say it does.
Little do I know that one of my friend’s day care provider is teaching her son sign language and probably just offended her. Of course she would be defensive and potentially upset over it, I would be too. And who am I to tell them how to raise their kids? They actually didn’t realize that the day care provider was doing that until someone saw him do the sign for more and told him that is what he had said. The friends are encouraging him to use his words and aren’t the ones initiating the sign language but still I shouldn’t have said it.
In both instances I was trying to be helpful, not trying to show them how smart I was for knowing it or being a know it all. I thought I was sharing something that would be helpful and in the end I wasn’t much help at all. Sometimes I just need to learn to keep my mouth shut.

You can’t change the past. You can run from it for a long time but it will always catch back up to you. You can try and hide too but it will always find you. Why not embrace your past and make it a lesson learned and move forward and be happy and a productive part of society? Why not learn from your mistakes and make a better more improved version of yourself? You can’t do anything different if you keep living the same way

Turning whining into being thankful

After all my whining this past week, I have come to the conclusion that the person I want to be and who I am are still two different people. But at the same time I know I am human, I will mess up and I will slip. What matters is that I am trying to make me a better version of myself. I will keep picking myself back up and keep trying. I’m the only one who can stop me and I refuse to do that.

For quite a while one of the changes I wanted to make was focusing on the positive. I noticed that a lot of times I would find the bad in things so much quicker then I would ever find the good. So I am refocusing in on that. A natural way for me to do this is ask myself what I am thankful for today.

Today I am thankful for my strong legs.
While I thought they were much stronger, this week has shone me maybe not as much as I thought. But I know that with all this running and biking that they will keep getting stronger and I appreciate all that they do. After a hard bike up that dang hill I have to travel twice everyday for school, I appreciate all the hard work it took and that they don’t give up on me. When the burning and shaking starts, I just tell them ‘A little bit further. You are almost there’. On my long runs and they ache and hurt, I tell them just keep going and they never let me down. They don’t give up on me and I promise I won’t give up on them.

What are you thankful for today?

Back to school for this girl!

Well day two of school is done and I am pretty excited about the courses I am taking. I am definitely nervous and a bit worried about it all but I know I can do it. I’m still scared and seeing just a list of all the things I have to do for 4 classes is a bit much to take in but I know it will all be fine. But classes, work full time, training for the half marathon, my normal working out schedule, and still trying to have some what of a social life? Deep breaths!

So my classes are ‘Developmental Psych’, ‘Personal and Family Finance, ‘Housing & Services for Family & Children’ and ‘Children, Families & Public Policy’. I wasn’t so sure about all of these but I knew a few of them would be interesting, primarily the Psych and Finance class. But now hearing what the classes will entail and what we will learn I can really see all of them being really beneficial to me and am much more interested in them. Like I said earlier I am a bit worried about fitting every thing in but I think I will be just fine. I just keep telling myself that :)

The big thing I keep reminding myself is that things have to change and sometimes the changes will be hard. I may have to do things I don’t really want to do (like get up super early to get my workout in). Or not watch my favorite show and do school readings instead. But what is going to matter at the end of all this is I am going to come out a better person and be able to get a job in a field I think I will really love. I think I just have to get into the swing of things and I will feel a lot less apprehensive about it.

Had Zumba last night, which was great. I can’t say that I love the new songs but I think they will grow on me. There is a lot of butt shaking which I like so once I get used to the songs I will be all good :) Tonight I think will be a rest day for me because I am running with the running partner tomorrow night and need to make sure I have all my readings done for classes on Thursday (which means I would do them tonight instead). Saturday we have an 8 mile run which we are going to do early so that we get it done and out of the heat. Of course I have some Yoga planned and some ST.

I think over all so far the week is going well and my plans are getting worked out. I forgot my snacks on Monday to bring for today so I had to resort to my drawer (microwavable popcorn) so tomorrow I will make sure to bring my snacks for tomorrow and Thursday. I missed my fruit and cheese! I also need to get some sort of portable snack for Tues and Thurs because between my first and second class my tummy was grumbling. I hoped no one could hear it! If I thought ahead I could have at least brought a banana or apple. But now I know.

I hope everyone is having a great week so far! There is a cool down here in Iowa, which we are really excited about. Course it is coming back for this weekend but at least we get a few days of nice.

Running and Bats

My God what a night I had last night!

Went out to this nice park and ran 5 miles. Used my Garmin Forerunner for the first time and it was AWESOME. The park has these trails that go around the large pond (or not sure you would consider it a small lake either) Some of the trails were still closed due to the flooding last week so I went around this one twice (each time about 2.5-3 miles). It was a bit stinky and buggy because of the flooding and had rained most of the day, but over all it was a pretty good run. I was trying to work on my tempo and speeding it up a bit which I think I was doing alright with. Most of the time when I looked at the Forerunner it said my pace was around 10-11 min a mile and my fastest pace was 8:30 some. I’m sure I didn’t run that very long but I was going that fast at some point. One thing I still wonder about though is with the calorie burn. My polar F4 HRM (heart rate monitor) usually has me burning 800 plus (sometimes over 1000) during a 5 mile run. The forerunner had me at 500 calories. While the HRM goes off my heart rate to get the calorie burn, the forerunner goes off how far and fast you go. So I wonder which one is more accurate.

Then there was the bats. It was very nice last night, and we opened up some windows to let some fresh air in. All of a sudden the cat takes off towards the kitchen and I figure he heard a sound out the window. I go in to see what he is doing and I hear a rustling noise toward the window. I’m thinking someone is on the back porch (which is scary enough) but then I look down toward the bottom of the window and there is a bat sprawled out on the floor under the trash can (we have one of those contraptions that it is actually attached to the cabinet but you can pull it out. It was pulled out at the time). I run for my phone to call the hubby who was out with friends playing pool. Then I hear the thing start to squeal. I figure the cat got it and was nawing on it. I yell for him to keep in the kitchen. He likes to show you what he caught for you, and I do realize he can’t really understand me but I was slightly panicking. Then the thing flies into the living room where I was and I take off running up stairs. All the while calling the hubby to get his @ss home to save us. I was shaking and freaked out and sooooo scared. He came home, caught it and released it outside. Apparently after I had gone to bed another bat was flying around and he got that one too. Now the cat has to go to the vet and get a booster rabies shot, just in case. A super creepy end to the evening.

Thankfully I have Zumba tonight! I am convinced there are bats everywhere in my house and are going to attack me and give me rabies. I think it might be time to call professional bat people because I am not sure I can live at that house much longer. While I love animals and believe they have a right to live, not bats in my house. And I don't need to be taking my cat to the vet every time he catches one. He is a very good hunter and is very pleased with all the catches he has had lately. He likes to play with them or partially eat them and then bring them to you. No thanks boo boo. You can keep your kills to yourself!