Second 5k

This past weekend, I learned that I am stronger then I realize. I ran my second 5k on Saturday and had two goals in mind, to run the entire thing and to beat my last time of 39:59. When I signed up for my first 5k I had no idea what to expect, but thought I would at the very least walk it. I was running more and more and longer and longer but had no illusions that I could run the whole thing or do it in record time. I figured I would run as long as I could and then walk, like I normally did on my ‘runs’. I was very happy to cross the finish line, in under 40 min and to not be the last one coming in. This year, especially with Bootcamp, I can run much longer and I figured this would have to help me in my 5k time. It sure did. I was able to run most of it (a few walk breaks were included but I ran probably 99% of it and up both of the big hills!) and finished with a time of 35 min and some change. Not sure of the official time but I was so proud to cut so much time off with still no real training. I ran most of it, more then I really thought I could. I had a bum knee the week going into it, so I really wasn’t sure how it would hold up. But it held up fabulously and only gave me issues toward the very end and not for long so I didn’t need to stop. I found myself pushing myself to go longer and harder then I thought I could. And while I know I wasn’t the fastest, (the first place 10k winner finished at the same time that I did), I improved and did the best I could. I have no regrets and not for a second thought I could have gone harder. When I crossed the finish line, with tears in my eyes, I was so proud to have done what I just did.

I have some things to work on for the next 5k, July 10th. So with my homework, I hope to improve even more. I have some friends running the next one so I am hoping they will be able to push me even harder then I can push myself.

My promise to myself...

I will never go back to how I was before I started on this journey.
There is so much about myself that I refuse to go back to…
The unhealthy eating.
The lack of movement.
The hating of myself.
The unhappiness, the never ending unhappiness.

I will never be that girl again. She was a good caring person, but so lost and angry. She had no idea where she was going, what she was doing and no direction. Once out of college she wandered around aimlessly, no purpose, no hopes, no plans. She had so many dreams but never thought they would ever come true. She didn’t believe in herself that much. And all that toxic negativity, never again. She hung on to old pain and let them define her. She was so angry and tired and sad.

Today I feel lighter then I ever have in my entire life. Not just in how much I weigh but emotionally. I have let go a lot of that negativity and pain and instead embraced the possibility of being happy. I have seen inside me and all the love I have to offer. I have seen a passion that was buried and suppressed. And I am finally able to let all of that out.

I had no idea that when I started out wanting to lose weight that I would come out the other end so much better. Emotionally healthier and physically healthier, I have seen a side of myself I never knew existed. I saw a strong and happy girl that could do anything she wanted. No one and nothing holding her back. A girl who finally got out of her own way and chose happiness. A girl who finally saw a beauty inside herself that she refused to deny it anymore. A girl who finally said enough to the abuse and allowed her true self to shine. A girl who finally saw she was enough, because she was finally enough for herself. I now know that my happiness is dependant on ME and me alone. I cannot and will not rely on others for that anymore. I know that my truth is mine and I will not let others tell me what I am or what I could be, anymore. I am who I say I am and that is no longer negative. I refuse to say anything bad about myself and refuse to let anyone else do that same.

By becoming a friend to myself I gained more insight and love for myself then I could ever have imagined. I refuse now to let any negative thoughts enter my mind and when they do (old habits die hard) I stop, take a deep breath, and think of something else. Soon enough that thought will float away and having given it no power, I can move on. I refuse to give power to those long held ‘truths’ anymore. I see now how wrong they have always been and I will not allow that in my life anymore.
I am enough. I am beautiful. And I found someone to love me. Just because someone spoke cruel words to you, doesn’t make them true. Only you can decide to make them true.

And now I can move on with my life in a way that is positive and hopeful. I know nothing can hold me back if I don’t let it and I am finally free. Free from the baggage and shame, free from the weight and self loathing, free from that sad little girl I used to be. Happiness is possible. You just have to find it in yourself.

Another push

Yesterday I wrote about pushing myself out of my comfort zone and the fear of failing. After some more reflection on the matter, I am starting to see how much the fear of failing is holding back my life. If you don’t try, you can’t fail. But if you never try, all you are left with is regrets.

I can think of a lot of excuses why I haven’t finished things that I have started, but that is only cheating myself. So I am adding to my goals some of the things I have been putting off for a while.

Some of you may know I have been making my own jewelry since I got married three and a half years ago. My husband even set me up a website but I have yet to learn how to do anything on there. I did set up an etsy.com account in hopes that I would find a quicker route to getting my jewels out into the public. A lot of people know that is where you go to find great hand made stuff and what would I have to lose. Well nothing but I have yet to put anything up on it. So this week with my husband being gone and having more time then I know what to do with myself I am going to get it fully set up and running. And I have high hopes that in the next few months, when things slow down for me and my husband that I can get him to teach me how to do stuff on my website and that way I can make a REAL go of it.

There is also a boutique that I want to contact to see if they would want to sell my stuff in their store. I need to decide what I would take in and find out who the manager is and how to get a hold of them. The worst they are going to say is no, but the best is they might just say yes. But again I won’t know if I never try. I just found their website online and submitted an email to see if someone will contact me about setting up a meeting. Step one, done :)

I am tired of watching my dreams dance around in the horizon somewhere. Sure ideas are great, but if you never follow through, what good are they? Being scared is not an excuse I am allowing into my vocabulary anymore. I know that I am stronger then I realize and the only way to prove that to myself is to just do it. I refuse to hold myself back any more.

Comfort Zones...

One of my big resolutions this year was to keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I think when you are constantly challenging yourself; you are going to become a better person. By pushing yourself to do things that aren’t comfortable you get to see what you are made of. You get to see how strong you are. You get to see what you can take and often times it’s a lot more then you would think. You get to see first hand what is possible for you.

That is why I started this blog. I have always loved to write but a fear of not being good enough, has always kept my writing mostly to myself. The idea of having my heart and words criticized…I never thought I could bear it. But I also know that if I ever want to be published or go anywhere other then the inside of a personal journal, I have to put myself out there. So I took a deep breath and I jumped in.

My first push out of my comfort zone for the year was signing up for a Zumba fitness class in January. Group fitness classes, were just something I thought I would never be comfortable enough to do. There were so many thoughts that raced through my head.
Would I be good at it? Would I look like a fool trying to do the moves? What would people think? What if I can’t keep up? I always worked out at home and if I tried a video that I didn’t like or didn’t feel like I was good at or whatever, I would let it just sit and collect dust. No harm done, no embarrassment. Just move on. I knew a class would be different and I would feel forced to follow through.

The fear of failing at anything, has always been a big obstacle for me and this was the year I challenged it. With Zumba, not only did I find a workout that I absolutely love and can’t imagine life without, I found that I really enjoyed the fitness class atmosphere. So in May I signed up for Extreme Outdoor Bootcamp class and even signed up for the second session as well. I know that these classes are pushing me further then I was pushing myself. I know that these classes are keeping me motivated to keep working hard and keep pushing myself. I know that they are enhancing my life and making me happier. And to have people in the class to share that accomplishment with…it’s just nice to not be alone in it.

I continue to push myself in smaller ways too. Trying new recipes is one that I do the most often. I never cooked before I started on this journey, unless making boxed Kraft Macaroni and Cheese counts. So cooking in general was a big leap in the first place. Now I try recipes with ingredients I have never cooked with before or combinations I wouldn’t normally try. I’ll even make up my own food combinations with what I have around and just wing it.
In the beginning of my venture into being a cook, that is something I wouldn’t have ever done. I used to have to follow a recipe step by step meticulously. Being that I was new to cooking and not entirely sure what went well together or even how to wing it, not following the recipe was just not a risk I was willing to take. I was always afraid I would make something that tasted bad or I would mess it up or the world would end if I ‘failed’. But you know what? I found that most of the time, I did just fine. I never screwed up anything so badly that I had to eat something else entirely and the world never ended.

It’s really all a process. Once you do something that is out of your normal limits and you see a success or you see that you didn’t die because it wasn’t, that gives you more encouragement to do other things on your list. You have the power to turn something on your list from an ‘I wish’ to an ‘I did’. All that stands in your way is you.

A new week...new plan of attack!

As I so often do on Sundays, I am plotting my plan of attack for the next week. I plan out what workouts I will do. I think about any recipes I am going to make. I set some goals for myself to keep myself on track or in today's case, how to get back on track. The thing about this whole journey is sometimes you fall and sometimes you cheat a little and sometimes you just need some time off of thinking about losing weight all the time. I don't beat myself up about it, I just pick myself back up and I keep going. I am in it for the long haul and I know that I can't always be perfect. But I do the best I can and when I do fall, I just keep going. I owe it to myself to keep going.

So this week I have set a few goals for myself.
-Track all my food (on www.sparkpeople.com)
-No extra sweets! No candy, no ice cream every night after supper, etc.
-Be positive. There will probably be some bad days but I want to start out each day positive and kind to myself. If the day isn't going well, I will take a few deep breaths and focus on the good, not the bad.
-Write in my journal each night.
-Try a new recipe. I am stuck in a bit of a rut when it comes to my meals. I need to branch out. When I find one and try it, I'll let you know how it is.

Well that is all I can think of for now...What are your goals this week?

Hulu Workout Review-Yoga Fusion

I tried out a new yoga workout yesterday. It was part of a series, that I found on Hulu.com, called Yoga Fusion. The one I tried was titled Power. I watched a little bit of Beginners Basics the night before, but the lady annoyed me so I didn’t want to do that one. A different girl did the one I tried and I liked her much better. If I have to spend 45 min of my life with you, I have to like you :) Besides that I liked the moves better in the Power one so I thought I would give it a go. Their caption for the episode was “Gain power in body and mind through focus on breath and the elements of stamina, strength and flexibility.” So I was intrigued.

Yoga Fusion, like the name would suggest, combines different types of workouts into the session. In this one they combine “many moves from dance, fitness, chi-gong, yoga and pilates” the teacher T (at least that is what I think she said her name was) states at the beginning. She also says the goal of the workout is to ‘energize and relax your body and spirit’.

Over all I really liked it. It moved along at a nice pace. It was not a big calorie burner by any means but when I am looking for a yoga workout I don’t expect it to. I don’t know that it met my expectations of the potential of building strength, but it seems to be a nice option to switch out with the Biggest Loser Yoga that I usually do on Yoga day. It was nice to at times to get away from the pure yoga parts and I really liked the pilates abs part towards the end of the video. I didn’t particularly care for their modifications because often times they weren’t really all that modified. And for someone who is not very flexible there were certain poses or moves that I had to make up a modification for. But if I think if I regularly incorporated this video into my workouts, I would definitely gain flexibility.
I do have to say my legs are sore today and I am not sure if that is from this or left over soreness from my Bootcamp class.

If you want to check it out, here is the link…
http://www.hulu.com/yoga-fusion?c=Health-and-Wellness
http://www.hulu.com/watch/152849/yoga-fusion-power?c=Health-and-Wellness#s-p1-so-i0

Life is too short...

I know I have heard it a million times before. When I was young I never really paid much attention to it. It was something adults annoyingly said. A phrase on t-shirts (remember those NO FEAR t-shirts?) but I never really took the time to realize what that meant. I guess though when you are young and the only person in your life that has ever died was your grandmother, you don’t think that your life could be short.

Now at 28 I have seen so much more and lived so much more life that I can now say that I understand the impact of that statement. You truly never know when your last breath could be and I for one don’t want to waste a lot of my time that I have left here.

When I was 21, almost 22, a very dear friend of mine died and the world collapsed around me. After a long time of mourning (which I am not entirely sure I am done) I decided that I was going to live the life she never got to. And now I can say that I am beginning to. I am finally at the point in my life that I can see things in me that I want to change and I am brave enough to make steps toward making myself a better person. But I can also see the good that is already in me too. I can look in the mirror and embrace the woman I have become. I know I am a much better person for having had my friend in my life and I hope that I can return the favor to someone else.

Ok so what is my point?
Life is way too short to do a lot of things.
To worry about things you have no control over. Deal with what you do have control over and let the rest go.
To stay in a place in your life that is destructive. Whether it is a frame of mind or bad relationship. You can’t get those moments of destruction back. Don’t waste your precious time on it.
To not say the words you have been dying to say. When you are gone, there are no re-dos. Say them now and say them often.
To not be the person you want to be. Be brave and look in the mirror and be honest with yourself. You can be whoever you chose to be, so do it!
To not do the things that inspire and excite you. Take a painting class or a dance class. Join a knitting group. Make things or read or whatever it is that you like to do.
To not make the changes in your life you know you need to make. Hate your job? Get a new one. Need to start working out? Start working out. You get the idea.
Life is way to short to live a life that in the end you wouldn’t be proud of. If you live your life like there is no tomorrow, you will have no regrets and that is what I want out of my time here.

If my life ends today, I hope that the people I love know how much they have meant to me. I may not have accomplished all the things I wanted to yet, but I know I am on my way. I have started to make the changes that I need to make to make my life and me, better. I strive for a better version of myself but I accept who I am today. I may not be perfect and I may mess up, but I am me and I will not apologize for that.

I just needed this reminder today and thought maybe you did too.