New Year, New Me

Total emotional upheaval is probably the phrase that best sums up the last three months. With the divorce, my dad’s accident, the holidays and school, I didn’t have much left in me. I was so emotionally exhausted and I guess that is to be expected with all that has gone on. So here I am a new year and trying to make my life what I want it to be. Happy and healthy and moving forward. At least now the chaos in my life is much more manageable and seems to be moving toward a good place. Slowly but surely…gotta take baby steps.

One of my big goals of the year is to make sure I process and deal with the emotional aftermath of the divorce. I don’t want to be a bitter betrayed girl the rest of my life. If I ever got into another relationship I don’t want to drag in a bunch of unresolved issues with me. I want to be able to go on with my life and have my past not define me. I will not let this be my undoing. I know now that my life will is better off now and I know that the path to being 100% ok will be a long one. But I know that I have the strength in me to make my life whatever I want it. I can keep myself in a miserable place or I can thrive in a beautiful environment that I create. I choose to be happy or sad. I chose to get stuck in this awful lonely place or I can reach out and be with people who love me. I may have lost some friends in this whole thing but the people who are still in my life are amazing and their support has meant so much to me.

I also want to take this opportunity to do the things I want to do. I have nothing holding me back so why not live the life I always dreamed of? I have spent enough time sulking and feeling sorry for myself and I am ready to make this amazing life that I will look back and be proud of all the things I’ve done. I want to live my life and be happy and do things. I don’t want to waste my life in front of the TV feeling sorry for myself. I think a lot of my life I have tried to live and waste but I have more freedom then ever before to do all the things I want and become the person I always dreamed of.

I think we all owe it to ourselves to not let our circumstances stand in our way. We can chose to let things destroy us or we can decide to come out on top. I don’t know about you but I know which option I’m taking.

Today I am grateful

I have been reminded multiple times in the last few days that things could always be worse. I mean I know no body is telling me to suck it up and get over it and it isn’t that bad. I’m telling myself that but everyone around me has been so supportive and great. And while I have felt at times it was far too much for one small girl to handle at one time somehow you make it through it. You keep putting on foot in front of the other and you keep on going. No matter if the world is telling you otherwise. There were times that I truly took it second by second and I made it through. Keep breathing and keep going.

It’s been brought to my attention people I know and don’t know, that are dealing with far more and worse then I am. It makes me feel sad for them because I get a portion of how they feel and what they are going through but theirs’ is multiplied so much. It makes me feel bad for how I complained because if the face of their personal tragedies mine seem so much smaller. Big to me, but in the grand scheme of things so small. And as emotionally devastating the divorce has been and as hard as it has been to see my dad struggle, I am still alive, my dad is still alive, I have a roof over my head, school to keep me busy, a job to pay my bills and people still around that love me. No matter how much I struggle inside those things are still true. It doesn’t matter the people who don’t love me or the friends I have lost because of it. It doesn’t matter that I am no longer in a marriage that was always one sided. That my life hasn’t turned out like I thought it would. None of that isn’t important and doesn’t matter.

It’s all about perspective. I could give up and I doubt anyone would blame me. I could become a shell of a person, certain no one will ever love me again. I could completely shut down and shut everyone out. I can play this pity party and woe is me forever if I want to but that isn’t me. I’ve had shit happen to me, but we all have. What matters is how you deal with it and how you move on with your life in the wake of those personal tragedies. I will not let what has happened around me determine my worth. I decide that, not anyone else.

I really have realized that I do not want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me and in spite of the heartache that I really am better off this way. I don’t want to make someone want to be with me, I don’t want to be the only one fighting for a life together. If he can’t see how great and special I am, that isn’t something I want to live with for the rest of my life. I have learned so much of what I don’t want and if there is someone in the future for me, what I do want. I have hope for the future but I would be lying if I weren’t a bit hesitant at the same time. I know there are good guys out there (by brother and brother-in-law prove that) but I don’t know that there is one out there for me. I am sure the longer away from this mess I get and the more people I meet, this will change but for now I am a bit skeptical on all that.

For the next year I am going to focus on me and making my life as full, happy and healthy as I can. I have so much to be thankful for and so many things I have done this past year, I can’t look back on it with all sadness. I ran a half marathon for heaven’s sake, it wasn’t all bad. My niece was born. I saw so many of my friends get married and start their (hopefully) happily ever after’s. I started back at school. The lows may have been really low, but the highs have been really great too.

I guess what I took from it all was how do you look at the situation you are in? Do you look and dwell on the negative? Do you try and find the positive, even when there isn’t much to be found? Do you see your future as bright and cheery or is it all doom and gloom? I know that the next year will be hard too. The divorce will be finalized and I will be able to move on with my life and put it all behind me. I know there will no doubt be other heartaches and pains as well. But the one thing I know for sure is I will be ok. I am far too strong to let things like that destroy me. Nope, not gonna happen.

Longest two months ever!

It’s been a while, I know.
I have had a terrible two months but I am still holding on.
On top of the divorce and the ugliness its become, my dad had a terrible accident and fell off some scaffolding Nov 7th. He broke all his ribs on the left side, his shoulder, collar bone, fractured his back and neck and punctured a lung. It’s been a long two and a half weeks so far and I know he has a long road to healing ahead of him but they expect him to make a full recovery.

So where does that leave me? I have been trying to get back into some routine. With moving and then my dad, that has not been easy. But the more he mends and the less time I feel like I *have* to be at the hospital, the more I can start focusing on my own healing and getting into a good HEALTHY routine in my life. Working out has become my stress reliever so I can’t wait to get back into that more consistently. I have kept up at least three times a week but for someone who had to force herself to take a rest day, that seems kinda puny. But this week I have started to track my food again, and have my workouts all planned out. It’s some small step in the right direction...

I am officially a half-marathoner! 2 hours, 34 minutes and all in one piece.
It took a lot to not cry during a lot of it. I just kept thinking about all that I’ve lost, for what I thought I had but never really did, for my broken heart and for all the love I have felt in the last two weeks. I kept thinking about all the people that love and support me. I kept thinking that I had to finish because I could not give up on myself.

I kept thinking about him. How if he were still around, he wouldn’t have been down there supporting me. That what I thought I had with him, was what I wanted to see, not what was really there. I had ignored the fact that he really didn’t support me and that he really cared less what I did. Not just with running or with being healthy but with most things in my life. I am starting to see how detached from my life he had gotten. I am starting to see all the things I chose to ignore.

So I ran. And each time my foot hit the pavement I ran further and further from the life I had made up in my mind. The life I thought I had, but really never did. Or hadn’t for a really long time. I ran further from him and what he did to me. I ran and in the process making me something different. I thought as I ran, about all the things I thought I felt for him and all the things I now feel. I was pretty quite for most of the run, just thinking. I thought about how proud I should be. To have picked myself up and that I am still going. I thought about how I could have let him destroy me but I chose to love myself more then he ever could. I chose that I would not let him define me anymore. He doesn’t get to decide, I do. He decided that I wasn’t enough for him and that is fine because I am enough for myself. And I was enough that day to keep running despite my broken heart. I ran for my broken heart and I wanted to know that I would not give up on myself and my goals. Just because he’s gone, doesn’t mean that my life should have less meaning in it. Just because I am not a wife anymore doesn’t mean that I have no purpose. Just because he couldn’t love me, doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to love myself. I get to decide now what meaning there is in my life. And I cannot let him decide that there isn’t any left.

I have to say I thought I would feel more when I finished. I about lost it when we were approaching the finish line and hearing all the people cheer so loudly and feeling the accomplishment of what I was about to do. I had officially ran more then I have ever run or ever thought I could. I was able to pick myself back up after something I didn’t think I could survive. I started to cry and then it was hard to breathe so I told myself to stop. I told myself just get to that finish line and then you can cry. As my running partner reached for my hand, I stopped crying and we ran, hand in hand across that finish line. We got our medals and we hugged. Proud of what we did and proud we did it together. I know I couldn’t have done it without her.

Afterward I thought I would feel more. I thought I’d bawl, overcome with all the emotion I have been feeling the entire run. I thought I would be more proud. I thought I would feel more heartache, more happiness, more of something. I remember after any of my 5ks the pride I always felt that I finished. I never trained for those but I thought just the distance of what I was about to do would blow those feelings of pride out of the water. Maybe it is because of the training that 13 miles isn’t much more then the 11 I had run before in one of my long runs. Maybe it was being worn out from running for two and a half hours. Maybe it is because of the emotional lows I have felt the last three weeks, that the high I felt from the accomplishment wasn’t equal in magnitude.

Don’t get me wrong I am proud of what I did, what we did together. Not just for finishing the half-marathon but for doing it under the circumstances I did. I just thought I would feel more. Maybe as time goes by and the heartache subsides and it sinks in, I will. Maybe when my mind can grasp everything and let go of what he did, I can. Maybe it is all just too much for my heart to take right now. Maybe there is far too much heartache that it doesn’t leave much room for anything else. Maybe I am still too tired.

But I tell you this, in my new apartment I will find a place for my medal. I will hang it and look at it and it will symbolize that I am stronger then I know. It will remind me everyday that I can and will survive whatever life throws at me and that I am the only one who decides if I will let something hold me back. It does make me look forward to tomorrow and dream of what else I can achieve. Next up is the Living History Farms Off Road Race (7 miles, crazy terrain, climbing, muddy, and apparently so much fun) November 20th. A friend of mine asked me if I wanted to do it with her. Well my running partner asked me a while ago and I originally said no because I was going to do this annual craft fair that weekend. Unfortunately I think it will be just too much while trying to pack, stay up on my school work, and moving to get anything really done for it. So I decided with a heavy heart not to do that, so I might as well do something challenging that weekend to keep my mind off it. So I decided to do it. Why not? Gotta make the most out of the life I have left.

Tough time...

I'm going through a really rough time right now and it has me thinking a lot about life and where I am going and how to handle what is being dealt to me. I keep thinking about strength and the power we somehow have within us to make it through the most difficult times in our lives. Even when your mind can't comprehend how you could ever survive living through something so awful and life changing, but somehow you do. You get up each day and you are still breathing. You are somehow still alive even though you feel dead inside. Even though you can't imagine going on for one more second. I have to take one day at a time and moment at a time and somehow I will come out the other end and be ok. I pray that I will be ok.

Whirlwind!

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I feel like my world is just spinning. Between work, school, homework for school and working out, I’m not sure I know which way is up anymore! It’s been a hard adjustment, a little harder then I realized but I am doing it. I have to say I am pretty proud of myself for all the things I have been able to accomplish and the changes I have made in my life.

The half marathon training has been going well. Some runs and some weeks, are better then others but the running partner and I are still trucking through. It’s less then a month a way and I’m getting pretty excited about it. Excited and nervous, to be honest. So far the farthest we’ve gone is 9 miles and each time we add another mile I am in disbelief. Of course each additional mile is harder then the last but it feels really great to accomplish that and to keep going. It definitely helps having the running partner at my side because it makes it easier to push through it and keeps it more interesting. It is going to be so great to cross that finish line!

I feel like I have grown a lot in the last few weeks. In terms of finding my voice, my place in the world and what I am capable of. I feel really happy with the path my life is taking and I haven’t felt that in a really long time, if ever. I love being in the learning environment and my classes are really interesting and I have been learning a lot. I feel like I am at home. I am so glad that I have been able to fit it all in and I know it will all be worth it.

As for life in general I am just trying to keep up. Seeing my friends when I can, trying to keep in touch with them and their lives, trying to remember to not ignore my husband (poor guy!). My sister is due with her first baby Sept. 25th so I am excitedly awaiting the baby’s arrival. I know that her and her husband are going to be GREAT parents and I am just so happy for them. It does seem like everyone is pregnant right now! It’s fun to see their new babies and see them as parents. In my developmental psych class we have been learning a lot about babies and how they develop in the womb and beyond. Since I never plan on going through it myself, it is nice to know what they are going through and being able to contribute to those conversations.

As for the rest of this week, I have more running, Zumba, bootcamp and lots of homework.

Some lessons I have learned...

Over the last few weeks I have learned some very valuable lessons…

Some people are just negative. I know I used to be one. I don’t know that it means you need to cut those negative people out of your lives but I do think it means you have to be careful about the amount of time you spend with them. Seek out the positive people and you will feel much better. And I think that we all sometimes need to vent and whine, but I am talking about those people who live in negativity.

Being around people who are negative makes me more negative. Even in unconscious ways. Sometimes I don’t even realize it until days later and find myself slipping and saying something nasty to myself. Then I think about it and see where it came from. That is why I think Spark is so important. I can immerse myself and maybe counter act all the other negative people in my life, with happy positive people who are working toward a similar goal as me.

Sometimes it takes a while of doing something to realize you can do it. You know, to shut up that inner voice telling you no you can’t. It takes sometimes just proving that voice wrong for it to go away and to get your inner cheerleader back. I tried to shut mine up in the weeks leading up to going back to school and the week it started. She would not shut up though no matter how many times I tried to redirect my thoughts to things that were positive. Finally though I am feeling better about it and figuring out a schedule and seeing that I can fit everything in. I can work full time, train for a half marathon, and go to school full time. And now I finally believe it.

Sometimes not solving issues causes you to act out. So deal with it. When I have stuff that is going on and making me feel sad, bad, angry, negative I tend to act out. I eat too much, drink too much, just shut down in general. If I talk it out and deal with the emotions I don’t do that. And on my quest to be healthy in all aspects in my life this is so important.

The busier we get, the more we get done. The last few weeks I have been so busy but the more I had to do the more I got done. And I got it all done. I felt a bit frazzled but I did it. And the longer I am this busy the easier it will be for me to do it.

Sometimes you have to just take a rest day. Sometimes it’s not a matter of being lazy, sometimes your body just tells you ‘Hey you have been training for a half marathon on top of you other workouts. You are working me hard and I need to rest’. I am listening.

Sometimes you just need to shut your mouth. I love being able to share things I have learned with people. About being healthy and exercise, and now with things I learn in school, whatever I think is going to help them have a better life. But sometimes I just need to shut up.
For one, if there isn’t enough time to explain all that you are talking about to make the person understand what you are talking about. You can do more damage if you tell someone part of something and aren’t able to fully explain so they truly understand. I had a girl in bootcamp asking how many calories she burned. I read the number off my heart rate monitor, almost under my breath, thinking she couldn’t hear. She did hear and a conversation ensued about it and with the help of the instructor and other students we began to explain how her number could be different and tried to help her understand how they come up with it. After getting home I realized what I had done and felt bad about it. I remember what it was like when I just started and didn’t fully understand everything. Not saying I do now, but I know a lot more and can look back and see they ways I had been lead a stray. In just taking a piece of information and not knowing fully what is behind it can really cause damage. And I don’t want to be a source of that.
And two if the listener doesn’t actually want to hear it. I was explaining this weekend what I had learned from my Developmental Psych class, with some of my friends that have just started having kids. Apparently there are studies that have shown that teaching a child sign language slows down their development of learning a spoken language. If the child it going to keep up with sign language (like has a family member who is deaf) then it is useful to teach them both. But if not, it is just delaying them learning a spoken language. I don’t know by how much but he was stating that it is not really benefiting the child like some people say it does.
Little do I know that one of my friend’s day care provider is teaching her son sign language and probably just offended her. Of course she would be defensive and potentially upset over it, I would be too. And who am I to tell them how to raise their kids? They actually didn’t realize that the day care provider was doing that until someone saw him do the sign for more and told him that is what he had said. The friends are encouraging him to use his words and aren’t the ones initiating the sign language but still I shouldn’t have said it.
In both instances I was trying to be helpful, not trying to show them how smart I was for knowing it or being a know it all. I thought I was sharing something that would be helpful and in the end I wasn’t much help at all. Sometimes I just need to learn to keep my mouth shut.

You can’t change the past. You can run from it for a long time but it will always catch back up to you. You can try and hide too but it will always find you. Why not embrace your past and make it a lesson learned and move forward and be happy and a productive part of society? Why not learn from your mistakes and make a better more improved version of yourself? You can’t do anything different if you keep living the same way